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crossroads

It seems as though I am at some sort of crossroad, or a fork in the road. Things are happening, but I do not know yet how they will go, I don’t know yet if the results will be positive or a huge disappointment.  If it turns out well, my marriage may very well be on its way to recovery.  

Living with someone, an addict ( he would disagree with this label, but I am using it) is stressful. For a long tIme I was kept in the dark, mostly bc asking about the state of things meant a painful fight, rejection, sadness and anger.  My body/health has paid the price for holding a lot in.  Things came to a head a month or so ago, it was totally out of control and there was no hiding any longer.  I can’t say I rest any easier yet but I do see him trying to get better. This is not the end but it’s an ok beginning.  
 
I asked my therapist last week, in reference to the emotional toll this takes, how can find some emotional stability regardless of what is going on with him/us.  Her answer was to be drugged up to the point of being numb, which of course she added, is not an answer… nor would I want that…  It’s interesting that I come from, on both sides of my family, people with addiction, and because of this, I’m terrified of it for myself.  Maybe not terrified, but I have a very strong sense of “I’m not going there, ever”.  It’s not something I decided really, but it is deep within me.  A hard limit, if you will…
Anyway, I’m coming out of survival mode, one baby step at a time… Maybe this means I will write more. We’ll see…

acceptance and gratitude

“So breathe.  Relax.  Take it in.  Be patient.  Learn to accept the uncertain and buddy up to the unpredictable.  Let life happen, at least a little.  You’ll find it that much more beautiful and happy when you do.”   – From the blog Marc and Angel Hack Life

When I read this from one of my favorite blogs it struck me…. “learn to accept the uncertain and buddy up to the unpredictable”… I’m a person who likes to know what to expect and struggles to deal with change…. It’s been a process, and I may always be going through it, to change my attitude about patience with life.  I think I am finally learning to deal with the cards that have been dealt, instead of being angry and wide eyed wondering “how did my life become this?”.  Maybe for me, acceptance is the key.  And I am there, I’ve accepted.  I’m not fighting it anymore.

“When we’re grateful, our problems don’t disappear, they simply occupy less space in our hearts, minds and lives.  The reason is that grateful people are focused on that for which they are grateful.  By definition, that means the difficult, disappointing and painful commands less of our attention.” (Same blog)

Practicing gratitude… that’s the next goal.

the distance between us

This seems rather backwards to me but the biggest reason I’ve been not posting/holding back is because I am afraid Brad will read it.  I don’t think he even thinks about my blog anymore, I really don’t know for sure.  Why in the world would I feel this way….

A few reasons

Firstly, this is petty, but it’s unfair.  He doesn’t talk to me.. I’ve tried…  he’s said he knows there is a chasm between us but doesn’t want to do anything about it at this point.  He was tired at the time, I’ll give him that, but he’s made no move to have another conversation.  I get tired of being the sole driver, coordinator, supplier, and peacekeeper of this relationship.  There are other things he does do right… he’s a good dad.  He keeps up with our house and cars and other home projects.  He does very well at work and so on…

Secondly,  I guess this goes back to childhood.  I always felt that any info I gave my parents was ammunition they could use against me later.  I kind of have that feeling now… shit.

I know this can’t go on forever, but I just dread dealing with it.  If I can’t just wait a little longer.  My therapist (somehow she comes up in every post, sorry) says that until the addiction is dealt with the marriage will not improve, the pills will always come first.  I’ve accepted that… I have also through some bad fights, had to accept that I cannot influence him nor convince him there is a problem.  He doesn’t believe that he’s addicted.  If he is, he is a very highly functioning one.  It’s not ruining his life.  I’ve not let it ruin our marriage.  And really at this point, the pills are bad news but the bigger issue is that we cannot seem to connect. Or what it seems to me is that he just doesn’t want to try.  And you just don’t put yourself aside and submit to someone acting like that.  It makes me sad that it is that way.

As for blogging, I am going to do my best to write more, share more, be more open.  It may have to be late at night after a drink or two, but I will try.

My orgasms are lonely

Ummm… Weird title, I know, coming from me since I don’t normally share this kind of stuff.
I told Brad the other night how frequently I use the vibrator and he was pretty surprised. He thought that I was just happy to have the infrequent sex and wasn’t really interested. I do wish we had more sex, but there are multiple factors that make that difficult. He doesn’t love that I am flying solo so often without him, but it’s become something of a tension reliever for me and I kind of feel like I need it. I remember reading one time an expert said that a girl who would rather pick up a vibrator instead of having sex with a guy is super messed up. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with Brad, it’s just that either way I get the same amount of emotional fulfillment, so it’s just not worth the effort sometimes.
My therapist calls my effort to be happy and get on with things regardless of what’s going on with Brad healthy, but she also calls it pretending. Pretending that I’m getting what I need emotionally, socially, whatever else to feel satisfied in my marriage. And I do very well most of the time as long as I am heavily involved with my girlfriends. (my best friend is an excellent pretender as well.) When I’m not I get a little down and write posts like these at 2 in the morning to maybe post or maybe not. I am very tired and am coming apart a little, things will look better in the morning. Uhhhhh my point was going to be that sex, amongst pretending, can be painful since its hard to shove down emotions during. Sometimes, not always. Even with the vibrator…. For about 6 months I couldn’t have an orgasm without immediately sobbing afterward. That doesn’t happen so much anymore but sometimes will sneak up on me.

I should write more often, it does help sometimes. Sorry this is so choppy, and some parts don’t make sense..it’s late.

missing the D/s

I feel bad that I haven’t posted much in so long.  I am sure that I am losing all my readers.  I’ve been so busy with my kids and other obligations.  Trying to keep up with my house is becoming a full time job with plenty of overtime.  We’ve added several pets to our household as well and they require attention as well.  All in all though, the pets are a joy, they make me happy and I am getting along just fine despite the over abundance of things to do.  The summer seems to be flying by, as it has the past few years.  The two small trips I was taking this summer are already over so mostly I just get to hang out at home.

Brad and I are still doing fine.  Getting along and all that.  I am still seeing my therapist, but only about once a month, it seems to be all I need at the moment.  Not sure what else to say, there is not much hot going on here.  D/s, though on my brain often, is no where to be found at this point.  That’s just the way it goes right now.  Do I miss it?  Ummm, yes.  Very much.

I feel compelled….

I feel compelled to write today….

I wasn’t going to read 50 Shades….. but all my vanilla friends are…. so I felt the need.  I wanted to be able to talk about it and hear what they have to say.  So far my best friend in just annoyed with all the blushing and the formal name usage…. LOLOL

And oh boy… That Grey guy certainly has some issues.  Like you all, I hate that the author made his dominant/sadistic side all about the terrible abuse that he suffered as a child, she practically demonizes his desires.  But then again…. this is a story.  I get that.  Unfortunately, it puts all that in people’s minds… that BDSM is sick, like a mental problem.  I don’t believe that.  Anyway, the sex in these book is great.  It is also getting to be a bit much.  It seems like they are doing it about 50 times a day.  It’s getting a little old.  Overall, enjoying it though.  I just filter out what I don’t like.

Speaking of filtering….

Brad and I are doing pretty well right now.  I no longer feel the need to shelter myself under the “tune it out” blanket.  We are co existing more happily these days and finally having sex again.  No D/s for us now though, and it will probably be that way for a while.  I think there will be some fun spanking here and there though, yay!  It’s been quite some time, I can’t even say how long it’s been.   Long enough.   I finally feel strong enough to come out of my shell and enjoy myself without piling on the expectations, and it’s actually liberating.  We still aren’t talking much about anything feelings related, at least between us, but I think that is something that I need to hold off on for a while.  I’m pretty sure that I could slip back into old habits if I don’t give it more time.  It seems to me that my feelings are something that I need to deal with on my own, or with my girlfriends, or with my therapist.  And even though it seems like it shouldn’t be that way, (it shouldn’t) this is what is best for our marriage right now, and in turn each of us.

So, just letting you know, I am happy, healthy, and moving along.