I need it so bad….

I’ve been there.  I know how amazing it can feel after a good playtime session, a spanking, plus whatever else….  I know how stress relieving it can be, how relaxing it can feel, how it can make you feel like you’re glowing.  Omg, I need it so bad right now.  I really really want it…

Now, how to communicate it to Brad, in a way the works?  I’m so hot for it I could explode.

I’ve tried to umm… handle it myself.  But relieving the pressure only bring back more.

I need some dominance in my life with a capital D


where I’ve been

So I kind of felt guilty after reading one of Bonnie’s brunches…. the one about bloggers disappearing without explanation.  I haven’t disappeared quite yet, but faded away -yeah.  I know I’ve been mostly vague as to what is going on with Brad and I, and that is mostly because it’s been not only very stressful and painful, but very personal.   It’s because things seem to be on mend that I feel I can be a little more open.

A couple years ago we dissolved dd from our relationship… there were multiple reasons, but it just wasn’t healthy for either of at that point.  I am not sure that we will ever have dd in our marriage again.  Fine with me, if it happens it will be a long road to hoe…. and I’m not interested in going back there now anyway.  If it happens in the future, it will be because I naturally become attracted to it again and know that we are in a good and healthy place to start again.  If it never happens, then it will be because it is not good for us.  This does not in any way, shape, or form mean that I am not interested in spanking or D/s…. that is still very much a huge part of me that I cannot imagine ever going away.  That is the only reason I still feel like I can continue with this blog.

As you probably know, Brad’s been dealing with back problems and restless leg syndrome for quite some time… back issues solved now, RLS we don’t really know…. What this means is that he’s been or some pain pill on and off, but mostly on, for about the past 7-8 years.  Several times it’s been out of control.  Most recently, very out of control… but we are on the right path, at least it seems so, right now, for recovery.  I never in a million years thought I would see this come to a full blown addiction, but that is what it came to, and let me tell you, it’s very scary.  I cannot speak for his side of it, I am not him… I know what he’s told me but this isn’t his blog so I am not going to go there… but I will speak for myself.  It is the most lonely, terrifying, painful, gut wrenching, craziest things to go through… not knowing if your marriage is going to last, not knowing what they are doing to their body, not knowing what you will do or how your kids will survive it if you marriage ends.  It feels like every option is a bad one.  You don’t know if they are telling you the true, when the next blindside is… are they even interested in you anymore.  I’ve learned that an addict can’t be interested in anyone or anything but themselves and their pills.  There’s mind games and manipulation and selfishness.  And it hurts a lot.

Well, I said things seem to be getting better… I’ve thought that before but I am crossing my fingers this time.  He’s seeing a substance abuse counselor, for the time being anyway.  That is major and I am really happy that he’s made that step.  He’s dramatically decreased the amount of pills he’s taking and the goal is get off completely.  At the end of the day, he still has an RLS problem, and we don’t know how that is going to be treated (most of the options have been explored already).  It’s not over until there is a good solution for that… he has to be able to sleep.  This is what the pain pill have been doing for him.  So we’ll see…..  But in the meantime, I am so relieved that he’s doing what he needs to do and proud of him for acknowledging the problem and doing something about it.

Cookie Exchange

For a full list of all the participating blogs head on over to Jz’s blog


And now here is the recipe for one of my most favorite desserts….552038

Chocolate Lava Cake


6 oz semi sweet baking chocolate

6 oz butter (diced and room temp)

3 eggs

1/2 cup sugar

1/3 cup flour

butter for ramekins

(I think the ramekins I use are 4 inch)

1. Preheat oven to 350 F

2. Melt chocolate on low flame in a double boiler.  Once melted take off heat.

3. Stir in diced butter until melted

4. In seperate bowl beat eggs and sugar until it starts to whiten

5. Stir in melted chocolate and then the flour

6. Butter 4 ramekins and pour in batter

7. Bake about 10 minutes

8. Tip over onto plate and serve (with vanilla ice cream)

This recipe is really easy but I only make it for special occasions.  It’s amazing!



I have this weird feeling of all these emotions bubbling up today… There is no one feeling, but a bunch at the same time for different reasons… and it feels like I might overflow or something.  I know that sounds weird, I just feel like I need to do something with all this emotional energy that is sort of trapped inside.  Go for a run, scream into a pillow… anything to keep it from coming out ummmm…. inappropriately.

I went to a different church this morning and it was so good for me.  The message was exactly what I needed, the music was exactly what I needed, the friendly people were exactly what I needed.  It was a struggle to keep the tears in…. because it made me feel good, made me feel hopeful, made me feel sad and excited and nervous and more… All these things at once.  I still have all this going on inside, but I am home now.

The past couple days have been interesting.  And I mean on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s gone from a 5 to 2 to 8 to 6 to 1 to 6.  This is my normal, but a couple nights ago we had really great sex.  We hardly have sex anymore at all, so this was significant.  Only it left me wanting more… but here’s the thing.  Pain pills are numbing… mentally, emotionally, and physically.  So it can be really disappointing for me to feel so close for a couple hours and then the next morning it’s back to business as usual, which means that I get very little attention or affection.  This is something that I have become hardened to so as to protect my heart, but when I get a taste, then it hurts when it’s gone again.  Today has been difficult because this morning a lot of emotions were pulled to the surface, and I want Brad’s attention so badly that I imagine what I am feeling is much like a little kid who will do anything for attention.  Anything from being extra nice to throwing a plate across the room.  Except that I’m an adult, with impulse control, but unsure how to express all this want and frustration and anger and hurt and disappointment and fear….

I guess that’s why I came here.


Cookies! Cookies! and other desserts!

Hey all 3 or 4 people who still read here…. if you are interested participating in the cookie (dessert) exchange you need to contact Jz by December 4th…. she will include your blog in a list so everybody will find you.

If you haven’t done it before, you should, because it’s nice to share your very best super yummy recipies with the world, and it’s selfish to keep them to yourself….

Jz’s email is  1reluctant0ne@gmail.com

Pretty sure that the 3 or 4 of you have all participated in the past so this post may be pointless.  If not and your a lurker or just a loyal blog checker still (thank you) – Well, I missed Love our Lurkers Day so let me know your around and say “hi”   🙂



It seems as though I am at some sort of crossroad, or a fork in the road. Things are happening, but I do not know yet how they will go, I don’t know yet if the results will be positive or a huge disappointment.  If it turns out well, my marriage may very well be on its way to recovery.  

Living with someone, an addict ( he would disagree with this label, but I am using it) is stressful. For a long tIme I was kept in the dark, mostly bc asking about the state of things meant a painful fight, rejection, sadness and anger.  My body/health has paid the price for holding a lot in.  Things came to a head a month or so ago, it was totally out of control and there was no hiding any longer.  I can’t say I rest any easier yet but I do see him trying to get better. This is not the end but it’s an ok beginning.  
I asked my therapist last week, in reference to the emotional toll this takes, how can find some emotional stability regardless of what is going on with him/us.  Her answer was to be drugged up to the point of being numb, which of course she added, is not an answer… nor would I want that…  It’s interesting that I come from, on both sides of my family, people with addiction, and because of this, I’m terrified of it for myself.  Maybe not terrified, but I have a very strong sense of “I’m not going there, ever”.  It’s not something I decided really, but it is deep within me.  A hard limit, if you will…
Anyway, I’m coming out of survival mode, one baby step at a time… Maybe this means I will write more. We’ll see…