holy crap it’s been too long

Seriously, it’s been too long.  And I don’t care if I have any readers , really.  I just miss writing.  And I’m not sure I’ll be able to write about my original topic, but I might.  So much has changed in the past several years.  Brad’s been off the pain pills for about a year, maybe more… and it’s definitely been better, though he still struggles with some health issues, and we all still live with the after effects of what addiction can do to the dynamics of a family, of a marriage.  I’ve been off Wellbutrin for what will be a year in January, and it’s fine, but I do have to fight sometimes to stay above depression.  I must say, I am doing a good job at managing it.  I started a job last spring and quit it this past fall.  It was a very stressful job that required tons of overtime every week and was going to make me physically ill.  I’m doing something temporary now that is much more aligned with what makes me happy I can still have a life.  It’s perfect for right now.  So it’s good.  Kids are good.  Everybody is just fine.

So now that we’re caught up on regular life….  who wants to talk about D/s?  🙂

I miss that dynamic so much… but I will say it’s not possible to have a husband, who you want to be dominant, who has a substance abuse problem.  Nope… doesn’t work.  Leads to lots of heart ache, disappointment, pain, and regret.  As I said,  Brad has gotten through the worst part.  He’s now trying to get off of something that he has taken for a while that helped him get off of more serious drugs.  Now we’re going through that, and it’s not too bad, but it’s still all a roller coaster.  I still experience negative feelings.  He might have a bad night, and it sends me back to a bad place. I have to deal with his stuff, on top of what’s going on with me.  I try to be as supportive as I can, but I still have anger resurface too.  And mostly it makes me afraid.  I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t like before.  Sometimes it’s hard to just stay mindful of what I’m feeling and not shove feelings down like I am so prone to do. Hmm… I was going to talk about D/s wasn’t I?  I guess I will just say that dynamic has not shown it’s face around here much for quite some time.  I spent a lot time trying to figure out my feelings with in my marriage in the wake of the past few years, figuring out what I wanted or didn’t want, and could I have those things with Brad.  I still don’t know… I still ask for spanking though, bc I love it and I need it, and that will never change.  It doesn’t happen enough, and that is bc we have children who are older now, and I’d rather die than have them hear what’s going on in the bedroom.  But I could definitely be happier with more spanking for sure!

Hopefully you’ll hear more from me soon, let me know if you are still around.

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