The thing about it…

The thing about a high functioning addict is that it’s hard tat talk to them about it and say “hey, look at all the crap your screwing up, you know, besides your marriage”. rarely it’s not too often that there is a huge problem with work or whatever.  He hides it well and in fact,  Tramadol makes him a highly energetic and efficient person.  If he takes a bunch he can get a whole lot done.  I’m sure it’s great for his job.  Sooooo, what’s the downside?  It’s never enough, like any narcotic, you need more and more to keep you going.  The doctor will only give so many, and tvan you have to order them from India or some other country.  Sounds safe right…. Nor only that, there is a ton of acetemenaphin in these pills.  I spend a lot of time wondering just how long he’s going to be able to do this without totally wrecking his body.. Is he going to see his kids get married?  Will he get to see his grandchildren ?  At what point will I be all alone?  And it makes me so f-ing angry bc it’s like he just doesn’t care about any of that… He only cares about feeling good right now.  he doesn’t ever want to hear anything I have to say about it bc he doesn’t want to any of the bad stuff, like if he doesn’t acknowledge it then it might just go away.  It’s really frustrating for me.  And I get to be the holder of these awesome little pills.  I get to do.e them out.. Which would make sense if he was really trying to quit, but he just tells how many he wants and I’m expected to give them to him without saying anything.  If I do, he just brushes it off. i really don’t get it. I hate doing it, makes me feel like an accomplice.  He says it helps though.  I guess it’s the difference between 10-18 and 30+ a day.  Who knows how he would go…  Sometimes when he’s really motivated he’ll get down to five, only to go back up again.  I’m just sick of this garbage and even though it makes him more energetic for a while he misses things that seem obvious to me, sometimes it make me nervous.  And every time he goes back down I have to deal with him exhausted all week and laying on the couch all night all week.  Then I feel guilty  complaining about all that bc most of the time he does the majority of the laundry and for some reason it really fucks with my head.  Like that should make up for it all or something.

I’m aware this is all really negative and down, but your going to see “really messed up Ally” for a while…


6 thoughts on “The thing about it…

  1. Sara says:

    Ally, Honey, I’m left with needing to ask why you would agree to dole them out? Why are you willing to partner with him in his delusional game it’s ok? An addict is an addict. That he functions partially means just that. There is a partial marriage, a partial father, a partial family. Is it YOU that’s “really messed up”?

    I feel for you. Maybe an addictions counselor (or facility) would be worth visiting to get the real scoop, to look at the options.


  2. Ally says:

    Sara, I totally get what you mean, and I’ve always had a weird feeling about it. Back when all this started (me holding the pills) my therapist never said anything to the effect that I shouldn’t be doing that… I think we had a conversation about it, I don’t remember what was said but I do know that I wouldn’t have continued if she had said I shouldn’t. Also at the time he was seeing a substance abuse counselor in that office, so I don’t know if that was a factor. I haven’t seen my therapist all summer, but I just made an appt for next week.
    As for why I agreed in the first place, he says he needs the help…
    He knows he’s addicted, he just doesn’t want to face it, not all the way anyway.
    Interesting idea about visiting an addiction counselor myself, will ask my therapist about that.

  3. Sara says:

    I just reread my comment and wanted to be sure I make it clear…the “is it YOU who’s really messed up?” was meant to be rhetorical…you are not messed up he is. Let him own it…insist on it!

    Coming off of your post after this…have you considered telling him either he moves out or you will, until he goes into rehab and gets sober? There are laws (check on this 1st) that he can’t lose his job due to going into a rehab. It falls under the federal disability act I think?

    You’re one strong woman!

    Hugs, Sara

  4. Ally says:

    Hey Sara, I knew what you meant by that :). On the other hand, his problems very much effect my mental health. I’ve tried to safe guard myself as much possible, but it sneaks up on me. I’m starting to read codependant no more for the third time in three years…it’s the only thing that helps me cope.
    I think I am in a precarious situation. I don’t have a job to support myself and my kids right now. I will be working on that soon regardless of what he does. I’m pretty sure there is no way he would go to rehab, he barely admits to being an addict. Also, with my parents now going through this crap, I don’t know if I can handle more turbulence. His addiction is on the back burner of my mind right now.

  5. River says:

    Hi Ally, when I read this I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach……I have been where you are. My husband was also addicted to tramadol after having shoulder surgery a few years ago. It is an extremely addictive drug (as you already know) and the withdrawal symptoms are similar to methadone withdrawal. The only answer is the hard one. He has to face his addiction, go through withdrawal, and never touch it again. The hard part is, someone in the throes of their addiction won’t likely come to that conclusion on their own. This is really hard. We got professional help, went through major depression after he quit, and it took him about a year to really recover, with the help of antidepressants. Tramadol changes brain chemistry, it really is a terrible drug. My heart goes out to you, and I truly hope you have some type of support….someone you can talk to. Feel free to email me if you like.

  6. Ally says:

    I’m so sorry, I’m just now seeing this. I’m going to email you.

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