Lighter today

It only took three weeks but I finally let it out… Let my anger spill. And I think I did it in a pretty calm manner. And boy do I feel so much better.  It’s amazing how heavy all that was…  nothing is fixed, but still… Forward momentum and all ….

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The thing about it…

The thing about a high functioning addict is that it’s hard tat talk to them about it and say “hey, look at all the crap your screwing up, you know, besides your marriage”. rarely it’s not too often that there is a huge problem with work or whatever.  He hides it well and in fact,  Tramadol makes him a highly energetic and efficient person.  If he takes a bunch he can get a whole lot done.  I’m sure it’s great for his job.  Sooooo, what’s the downside?  It’s never enough, like any narcotic, you need more and more to keep you going.  The doctor will only give so many, and tvan you have to order them from India or some other country.  Sounds safe right…. Nor only that, there is a ton of acetemenaphin in these pills.  I spend a lot of time wondering just how long he’s going to be able to do this without totally wrecking his body.. Is he going to see his kids get married?  Will he get to see his grandchildren ?  At what point will I be all alone?  And it makes me so f-ing angry bc it’s like he just doesn’t care about any of that… He only cares about feeling good right now.  he doesn’t ever want to hear anything I have to say about it bc he doesn’t want to any of the bad stuff, like if he doesn’t acknowledge it then it might just go away.  It’s really frustrating for me.  And I get to be the holder of these awesome little pills.  I get to do.e them out.. Which would make sense if he was really trying to quit, but he just tells how many he wants and I’m expected to give them to him without saying anything.  If I do, he just brushes it off. i really don’t get it. I hate doing it, makes me feel like an accomplice.  He says it helps though.  I guess it’s the difference between 10-18 and 30+ a day.  Who knows how he would go…  Sometimes when he’s really motivated he’ll get down to five, only to go back up again.  I’m just sick of this garbage and even though it makes him more energetic for a while he misses things that seem obvious to me, sometimes it make me nervous.  And every time he goes back down I have to deal with him exhausted all week and laying on the couch all night all week.  Then I feel guilty  complaining about all that bc most of the time he does the majority of the laundry and for some reason it really fucks with my head.  Like that should make up for it all or something.

I’m aware this is all really negative and down, but your going to see “really messed up Ally” for a while…

Damn it

It feels good to laugh so hard at something really funny…. But then it sucks bc all of a sudden the terrbile shitty emotions you’ve been choking down bubble up and then I’m crying so hard instead. I hate my life sometimes.

thinking of renaming this blog “life with a high functioning addict”   It’s not as fun as you might think.