where I’ve been

So I kind of felt guilty after reading one of Bonnie’s brunches…. the one about bloggers disappearing without explanation.  I haven’t disappeared quite yet, but faded away -yeah.  I know I’ve been mostly vague as to what is going on with Brad and I, and that is mostly because it’s been not only very stressful and painful, but very personal.   It’s because things seem to be on mend that I feel I can be a little more open.

A couple years ago we dissolved dd from our relationship… there were multiple reasons, but it just wasn’t healthy for either of at that point.  I am not sure that we will ever have dd in our marriage again.  Fine with me, if it happens it will be a long road to hoe…. and I’m not interested in going back there now anyway.  If it happens in the future, it will be because I naturally become attracted to it again and know that we are in a good and healthy place to start again.  If it never happens, then it will be because it is not good for us.  This does not in any way, shape, or form mean that I am not interested in spanking or D/s…. that is still very much a huge part of me that I cannot imagine ever going away.  That is the only reason I still feel like I can continue with this blog.

As you probably know, Brad’s been dealing with back problems and restless leg syndrome for quite some time… back issues solved now, RLS we don’t really know…. What this means is that he’s been or some pain pill on and off, but mostly on, for about the past 7-8 years.  Several times it’s been out of control.  Most recently, very out of control… but we are on the right path, at least it seems so, right now, for recovery.  I never in a million years thought I would see this come to a full blown addiction, but that is what it came to, and let me tell you, it’s very scary.  I cannot speak for his side of it, I am not him… I know what he’s told me but this isn’t his blog so I am not going to go there… but I will speak for myself.  It is the most lonely, terrifying, painful, gut wrenching, craziest things to go through… not knowing if your marriage is going to last, not knowing what they are doing to their body, not knowing what you will do or how your kids will survive it if you marriage ends.  It feels like every option is a bad one.  You don’t know if they are telling you the true, when the next blindside is… are they even interested in you anymore.  I’ve learned that an addict can’t be interested in anyone or anything but themselves and their pills.  There’s mind games and manipulation and selfishness.  And it hurts a lot.

Well, I said things seem to be getting better… I’ve thought that before but I am crossing my fingers this time.  He’s seeing a substance abuse counselor, for the time being anyway.  That is major and I am really happy that he’s made that step.  He’s dramatically decreased the amount of pills he’s taking and the goal is get off completely.  At the end of the day, he still has an RLS problem, and we don’t know how that is going to be treated (most of the options have been explored already).  It’s not over until there is a good solution for that… he has to be able to sleep.  This is what the pain pill have been doing for him.  So we’ll see…..  But in the meantime, I am so relieved that he’s doing what he needs to do and proud of him for acknowledging the problem and doing something about it.

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5 thoughts on “where I’ve been

  1. I’m so glad that Brad is getting professional help. I wonder if they could recommend a support group for you and your kids?
    H and I have been touched by something similar- by relatives and friends having same issue. I can’t imagine how hard it would be on our marriage if it were H with the addiction -my heart goes out to you Ally.
    H and I were D/s before Dd and that was just natural. Then Dd helped us through so many areas that we needed to fix, but many times it is just not “in action”, so to speak. Well, it is underlying- but that’s really the D/s part-isn’t it? I think that Dd needs to be done with both partners in a really good mental state. And I don’t think Dd can be done without the D/s, honestly. So your base is there if it is ever on the table again.
    Take care of yourself and support Brad in his recovery. That’s the most important thing! Encouragement and support are the most important things to recovery, and that goes for you too! Sending loads of both to you and a heaping helping of hope and prayers as well! 🙂 E

  2. Ally says:

    Thanks Elysia, you’ve always been such a great support for me 🙂 I’m trying to take care of myself…it seems so difficult sometimes, but I’m ok.

  3. Serenity says:

    That is huge that he is getting help. I’m sure this is a moment by moment thing, which is so hard to deal with. I wish you and Brad all the best. I have two people in my family going through addiction recovery now. Its a time of hope, yet we are kind of afraid to hope because it is just so hard to kick.

  4. Ally says:

    Serenity…. that is what can be so hard. Thinking “things will be ok”…”wait, this is really bad”… “ok, now it’s getting better”…” no, wait…” you get the idea
    That said… he’s still doing really well, thankfully.
    Thanks for your comment 🙂

  5. I’m so glad you post, that you’ve not given up. I hope that B is ready to change so that your life can feel more in control. I hate being on the fence – period – about anything. Your life has you teetering. Despite all that you always sound so grounded to me. A lot of wisdom is reflected more than a few times throughout your posts. Take great care of yourself Ally! I wish you and your whole family healing of epic proportions! Hugs KayLynn

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