I have this weird feeling of all these emotions bubbling up today… There is no one feeling, but a bunch at the same time for different reasons… and it feels like I might overflow or something. I know that sounds weird, I just feel like I need to do something with all this emotional energy that is sort of trapped inside. Go for a run, scream into a pillow… anything to keep it from coming out ummmm…. inappropriately.
I went to a different church this morning and it was so good for me. The message was exactly what I needed, the music was exactly what I needed, the friendly people were exactly what I needed. It was a struggle to keep the tears in…. because it made me feel good, made me feel hopeful, made me feel sad and excited and nervous and more… All these things at once. I still have all this going on inside, but I am home now.
The past couple days have been interesting. And I mean on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s gone from a 5 to 2 to 8 to 6 to 1 to 6. This is my normal, but a couple nights ago we had really great sex. We hardly have sex anymore at all, so this was significant. Only it left me wanting more… but here’s the thing. Pain pills are numbing… mentally, emotionally, and physically. So it can be really disappointing for me to feel so close for a couple hours and then the next morning it’s back to business as usual, which means that I get very little attention or affection. This is something that I have become hardened to so as to protect my heart, but when I get a taste, then it hurts when it’s gone again. Today has been difficult because this morning a lot of emotions were pulled to the surface, and I want Brad’s attention so badly that I imagine what I am feeling is much like a little kid who will do anything for attention. Anything from being extra nice to throwing a plate across the room. Except that I’m an adult, with impulse control, but unsure how to express all this want and frustration and anger and hurt and disappointment and fear….
I guess that’s why I came here.