crossroads

It seems as though I am at some sort of crossroad, or a fork in the road. Things are happening, but I do not know yet how they will go, I don’t know yet if the results will be positive or a huge disappointment.  If it turns out well, my marriage may very well be on its way to recovery.  

Living with someone, an addict ( he would disagree with this label, but I am using it) is stressful. For a long tIme I was kept in the dark, mostly bc asking about the state of things meant a painful fight, rejection, sadness and anger.  My body/health has paid the price for holding a lot in.  Things came to a head a month or so ago, it was totally out of control and there was no hiding any longer.  I can’t say I rest any easier yet but I do see him trying to get better. This is not the end but it’s an ok beginning.  
 
I asked my therapist last week, in reference to the emotional toll this takes, how can find some emotional stability regardless of what is going on with him/us.  Her answer was to be drugged up to the point of being numb, which of course she added, is not an answer… nor would I want that…  It’s interesting that I come from, on both sides of my family, people with addiction, and because of this, I’m terrified of it for myself.  Maybe not terrified, but I have a very strong sense of “I’m not going there, ever”.  It’s not something I decided really, but it is deep within me.  A hard limit, if you will…
Anyway, I’m coming out of survival mode, one baby step at a time… Maybe this means I will write more. We’ll see…
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7 thoughts on “crossroads

  1. aisha says:

    Hi, Ally,

    It’s funny, the question you asked your therapist is one that i often ask my clients – at least i think it’s the same question. “Given that the other people in your life probably aren’t going to change, what do you need to do to be ok?’ Although it sounds like your husband may be changing, still i think the question is the same, and you hold the answer to it.

    Reading this, i thought of this Pema Chodron quote:

    “Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”
    ― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

    I have no idea if that applies in any shape or form to your situation, Ally, but felt an urge to share it with you. Take it with a grain of salt – or leave it altogether. 🙂

    hugs,

    aisha

    • Ally says:

      aisha, That quote makes tons of sense to me… And I am no different in the way that I am looking for a way to feel better. I’ve been talking with my therapist a lot about learning how to live with addictive behaviors, what traps to not fall into… it is hard and hurts like crazy.
      I also like the quote you posted the other day about sorrow creating space for joy. The first time you posted it I wrote it down and have thought about it many times.
      Thanks,
      Ally

  2. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    Please take care of yourself. I know you know this – but. I watched my mom sacrifice herself – over and over and over again – because she felt a duty, because she was afraid no one would support her, because she felt she would be shunned and blamed if she protected and took care of herself, and because she thought that was what would be best for us. Please take care of yourself, protect yourself. The rest will or won’t happen just the same, and you will be better able to face whatever does happen.

  3. Ally says:

    gg, There are a lot of times when I have done things, or not done things, for the some of the reasons you listed. Being in a situation like this is very scary, but I think that I am getting stronger as time goes on.

  4. You do sound much stronger than you have on some previous posts Ally, and I’m so glad for the optimistic place that things seem to be heading for you. I’m so glad of that you have therapy to help you through what is definitely a tremendous challenge that life has given you both.
    Addiction has touched our lives as well, but I don’t know that I have any words of wisdom to share.
    I think Aisha shared a really interesting quote. It’s got to be hard to put yourself in Brad’s shoes, given how you feel about ever being there yourself. But that quote gives me a glimpse of what it must be like on his side. I hope that he can eventually see how things are going on your side. Hugs!

  5. Living with addiction is like being spun in their maze. I’m very glad you’ve got your compass in hand. Take great care of yourself Ally, KayLynn

  6. Sara says:

    Ally, finding a good Alanon (or Naranon) group helped me a lot. Good for you for realizing and saying it. That’s a huge step! Sara

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