crossroads

It seems as though I am at some sort of crossroad, or a fork in the road. Things are happening, but I do not know yet how they will go, I don’t know yet if the results will be positive or a huge disappointment.  If it turns out well, my marriage may very well be on its way to recovery.  

Living with someone, an addict ( he would disagree with this label, but I am using it) is stressful. For a long tIme I was kept in the dark, mostly bc asking about the state of things meant a painful fight, rejection, sadness and anger.  My body/health has paid the price for holding a lot in.  Things came to a head a month or so ago, it was totally out of control and there was no hiding any longer.  I can’t say I rest any easier yet but I do see him trying to get better. This is not the end but it’s an ok beginning.  
 
I asked my therapist last week, in reference to the emotional toll this takes, how can find some emotional stability regardless of what is going on with him/us.  Her answer was to be drugged up to the point of being numb, which of course she added, is not an answer… nor would I want that…  It’s interesting that I come from, on both sides of my family, people with addiction, and because of this, I’m terrified of it for myself.  Maybe not terrified, but I have a very strong sense of “I’m not going there, ever”.  It’s not something I decided really, but it is deep within me.  A hard limit, if you will…
Anyway, I’m coming out of survival mode, one baby step at a time… Maybe this means I will write more. We’ll see…
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