the distance between us

This seems rather backwards to me but the biggest reason I’ve been not posting/holding back is because I am afraid Brad will read it.  I don’t think he even thinks about my blog anymore, I really don’t know for sure.  Why in the world would I feel this way….

A few reasons

Firstly, this is petty, but it’s unfair.  He doesn’t talk to me.. I’ve tried…  he’s said he knows there is a chasm between us but doesn’t want to do anything about it at this point.  He was tired at the time, I’ll give him that, but he’s made no move to have another conversation.  I get tired of being the sole driver, coordinator, supplier, and peacekeeper of this relationship.  There are other things he does do right… he’s a good dad.  He keeps up with our house and cars and other home projects.  He does very well at work and so on…

Secondly,  I guess this goes back to childhood.  I always felt that any info I gave my parents was ammunition they could use against me later.  I kind of have that feeling now… shit.

I know this can’t go on forever, but I just dread dealing with it.  If I can’t just wait a little longer.  My therapist (somehow she comes up in every post, sorry) says that until the addiction is dealt with the marriage will not improve, the pills will always come first.  I’ve accepted that… I have also through some bad fights, had to accept that I cannot influence him nor convince him there is a problem.  He doesn’t believe that he’s addicted.  If he is, he is a very highly functioning one.  It’s not ruining his life.  I’ve not let it ruin our marriage.  And really at this point, the pills are bad news but the bigger issue is that we cannot seem to connect. Or what it seems to me is that he just doesn’t want to try.  And you just don’t put yourself aside and submit to someone acting like that.  It makes me sad that it is that way.

As for blogging, I am going to do my best to write more, share more, be more open.  It may have to be late at night after a drink or two, but I will try.

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8 thoughts on “the distance between us

  1. Good for you for coming here an venting to us. I don’t have a lot of expertise here, but something similar effected my family. Likely your therapist already suggested Alanon.
    I can see where he really needs to take the responsibility himself, and it’s got to be so frustrating that nothing you say or do is helping him to see that. But please take care of you, and maybe just that you would be going to Alanon – might make him realize how this is effecting you, even he is functioning at basic capacity.
    I don’t know about “the ammunition” feeling you have when opening up, but if Brad is using what you say against you- can you address that with him or the therapist? Or maybe it’s just your in your thoughts. Hugs, E

  2. Sara says:

    Ally, I was afraid my husband would read my blog as well..and be hurt. BUT…in the end, I need to do what I need to for ME. I would never say anything disrespectful or with disregard, and neither will you,

    I am SO glad you;re seeing a therapist. Me too. 🙂 Have you tried going to Naranon? Alanon helped me a great deal when I needed to understand my son’s alcoholism and how to best handle myself through that. And…there were other people there just like me, fighting the same battles. It helped a lot.

    I’m rooting for you! Sara

  3. Sara says:

    Ooops..had not read Elysia’s comment. Alanon focuses on alcoholism and Naranon on drug addiction. Really, they are the same program, for people who love an addict.

  4. Ally writing is the best therapy and it touches many others who will feel less alone and strengthened by the fact that you are stepping forward, stepping out and saying “It is not me!”. There are awful things we have no interest in being a poster child for-but somehow “Here we are”. I admire you for doing the very best – where you stand, today. If ever you need it,Nar-anon meetings are good for peer support. I’ll continue to think of all of you. KayLynn.

  5. Ally says:

    Elysia, Sara, and Kaylynn – I have been to a Nar-anon meeting, I think I went sometime last summer. It was ok, a pretty large group, who seemed to be dealing with way more crazy than I do… I know that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t go… Brad also got really mad. And that shouldn’t stop me either. So I don’t know… we’ll see, maybe I’ll go again some day. At this point I am just going to try and write more. Thanks girls 🙂

  6. I vote you go again Ally. I think that it might take a few meetings before you find a smaller group of people who are in a similar situation as you are. It’s actually a good thing that the group is so large. That means that there is more of a chance that there are others who may be dealing with a similar situation as you are.
    I know you’ve read Sara’s blog post, and she makes a really good point about not submitting to a man who is not able to lead.
    You will also be sending the message that this is a really important thing that needs to be addressed, and that *you* need support. And remember, you need to put on your own life jacket before you can help someone else.
    Do keep writing, but also think about going back for another meeting Ally. Please?

  7. sarah thorne says:

    Addiction in a loved one is such a hard thing to deal with. It has created much heartbreak in my own family as well. It’s hard when one feels there is a problem and the other does not.

    Top that off with a husband who says he has no desire to find out what can be done to help close the gap between you. Been there, and it hurts.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. 😦

    sarah

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