This seems rather backwards to me but the biggest reason I’ve been not posting/holding back is because I am afraid Brad will read it. I don’t think he even thinks about my blog anymore, I really don’t know for sure. Why in the world would I feel this way….
A few reasons
Firstly, this is petty, but it’s unfair. He doesn’t talk to me.. I’ve tried… he’s said he knows there is a chasm between us but doesn’t want to do anything about it at this point. He was tired at the time, I’ll give him that, but he’s made no move to have another conversation. I get tired of being the sole driver, coordinator, supplier, and peacekeeper of this relationship. There are other things he does do right… he’s a good dad. He keeps up with our house and cars and other home projects. He does very well at work and so on…
Secondly, I guess this goes back to childhood. I always felt that any info I gave my parents was ammunition they could use against me later. I kind of have that feeling now… shit.
I know this can’t go on forever, but I just dread dealing with it. If I can’t just wait a little longer. My therapist (somehow she comes up in every post, sorry) says that until the addiction is dealt with the marriage will not improve, the pills will always come first. I’ve accepted that… I have also through some bad fights, had to accept that I cannot influence him nor convince him there is a problem. He doesn’t believe that he’s addicted. If he is, he is a very highly functioning one. It’s not ruining his life. I’ve not let it ruin our marriage. And really at this point, the pills are bad news but the bigger issue is that we cannot seem to connect. Or what it seems to me is that he just doesn’t want to try. And you just don’t put yourself aside and submit to someone acting like that. It makes me sad that it is that way.
As for blogging, I am going to do my best to write more, share more, be more open. It may have to be late at night after a drink or two, but I will try.