My orgasms are lonely

Ummm… Weird title, I know, coming from me since I don’t normally share this kind of stuff.
I told Brad the other night how frequently I use the vibrator and he was pretty surprised. He thought that I was just happy to have the infrequent sex and wasn’t really interested. I do wish we had more sex, but there are multiple factors that make that difficult. He doesn’t love that I am flying solo so often without him, but it’s become something of a tension reliever for me and I kind of feel like I need it. I remember reading one time an expert said that a girl who would rather pick up a vibrator instead of having sex with a guy is super messed up. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with Brad, it’s just that either way I get the same amount of emotional fulfillment, so it’s just not worth the effort sometimes.
My therapist calls my effort to be happy and get on with things regardless of what’s going on with Brad healthy, but she also calls it pretending. Pretending that I’m getting what I need emotionally, socially, whatever else to feel satisfied in my marriage. And I do very well most of the time as long as I am heavily involved with my girlfriends. (my best friend is an excellent pretender as well.) When I’m not I get a little down and write posts like these at 2 in the morning to maybe post or maybe not. I am very tired and am coming apart a little, things will look better in the morning. Uhhhhh my point was going to be that sex, amongst pretending, can be painful since its hard to shove down emotions during. Sometimes, not always. Even with the vibrator…. For about 6 months I couldn’t have an orgasm without immediately sobbing afterward. That doesn’t happen so much anymore but sometimes will sneak up on me.

I should write more often, it does help sometimes. Sorry this is so choppy, and some parts don’t make’s late.


6 thoughts on “My orgasms are lonely

  1. Sara says:

    Ally, there is nothing wrong with a girl taking care of herself (imo), but “either way I get the same amount of emotional fulfillment” speaks volumes about how lonely and disconnected you feel. I’m glad you wrote about it, if just for yourself. Hugs, Sara

  2. Um…. I like it both ways? I used to do much the same thing, b/c I wasn’t able to articulate to H how I needed things different. (that’s me, not saying this is you) But I recall how I felt. I wanted more of a connection.
    IMHO, “whatever gets you through the night”, and I think that’s just where you’re at right now.
    It’s good to work out the feelings and why you maybe doing it,but I hope there’s no guilt there, or thinking you should stop. (you didn’t say)- You go girl! 😉
    H doesn’t believe in orgasm control, or saving myself for him alone. He thinks practice is a good thing. 🙂
    Give yourself what you need, and I hope you can work through the other stuff with Brad. Hugs!

  3. Ally says:

    Sara, Disconnected is the key word here. Lonely… that goes in and out, kind of like I mentioned, it depends how much fun I’m having with my girls. I guess it’s not fair to say Brad and I are totally disconnected, he shares other things with me, stuff about work, and I’ll talk about my day or we talk about upcoming events, or the pets, but the real stuff, the emotional connection – not there at all. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking care of myself either 🙂

  4. Ally says:

    Elysia, I like it both ways too 🙂 Brad’s said in the past that he doesn’t really like it when I do stuff without him, but never told me I couldn’t. He can’t really make demands, we don’t have that kind of relationship right now. And at this point it would be incredibly unfair for him to ask that of me. Especially since it doesn’t go both ways. And thankfully, no, I don’t feel bad about it at all. I think you are right about where I am at… whatever it takes remain sane at this point. It’ll all work out in the end…

  5. advizor54 says:

    If you use the solo-play as a stress reliever and pleasure point, and don’t expect anything more, it can be very therapeutic. A friend of mine stopped masturbating because it reminded her of what she wasn’t getting, while another friend increased her frequency by double in almost the same situation. It’s not a cure-all, isn’t supposed to be, but don’t stop just because it isn’t.

  6. sarah thorne says:

    Whatever ‘expert’ made that statement is dead wrong and totally doesn’t get it.

    Disconnected sex is empty. As a matter of fact, I would say a vibrator is better than having disconnected sex with a person who you expect to give something more than just the physical aspect of intercourse. With your husband, you expect a closeness that comes with making love. Sex is supposed to be a connection in that instance, and when it’s not there, it is an incredibly painful reminder that the emotional connection is gone. I think that’s worse that using an inanimate object during this time, which you expect NOTHING but the physical release.


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