Ummm… Weird title, I know, coming from me since I don’t normally share this kind of stuff.
I told Brad the other night how frequently I use the vibrator and he was pretty surprised. He thought that I was just happy to have the infrequent sex and wasn’t really interested. I do wish we had more sex, but there are multiple factors that make that difficult. He doesn’t love that I am flying solo so often without him, but it’s become something of a tension reliever for me and I kind of feel like I need it. I remember reading one time an expert said that a girl who would rather pick up a vibrator instead of having sex with a guy is super messed up. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with Brad, it’s just that either way I get the same amount of emotional fulfillment, so it’s just not worth the effort sometimes.
My therapist calls my effort to be happy and get on with things regardless of what’s going on with Brad healthy, but she also calls it pretending. Pretending that I’m getting what I need emotionally, socially, whatever else to feel satisfied in my marriage. And I do very well most of the time as long as I am heavily involved with my girlfriends. (my best friend is an excellent pretender as well.) When I’m not I get a little down and write posts like these at 2 in the morning to maybe post or maybe not. I am very tired and am coming apart a little, things will look better in the morning. Uhhhhh my point was going to be that sex, amongst pretending, can be painful since its hard to shove down emotions during. Sometimes, not always. Even with the vibrator…. For about 6 months I couldn’t have an orgasm without immediately sobbing afterward. That doesn’t happen so much anymore but sometimes will sneak up on me.
I should write more often, it does help sometimes. Sorry this is so choppy, and some parts don’t make sense..it’s late.