what’s love?

I went walking with a friend the other day and we were talking about her ex boyfriend and his wife.  The ex had told her they were having marriage problems and his wife had told him that she had fallen out of love with him and needed to fall back in love.  My friend asks me if I think this can happen… do I think that people can fall out of love and back again?

Without thinking about it too hard I said yes, I do think that can happen.  She seemed surprised that I would say this and said “Really?  I guess maybe it’s just the different personalities of women”.  It was weird to me that she would say this since she readily admits that she has been disconnected from her husband since he cheated on her three years ago, but also says she will always love him.  I’m not sure where she was coming from….

I felt compelled to explain my view further.  I said, for example that I may lack feelings of affection for my husband, my feelings may even be negative at times.  But I am still married, I still cook, clean, and do laundry for him.  There is a level of physical committment.  Are committment and love always the same?  No, but in a marriage they are intertwined I think.  There is that idea out there, that love is a choice.  That takes committment.  And I know you can get into all the different types of love.  If I try to bring that in this post may never get finished.  I also think that you can decide not to be with someone anymore, but always care about them, maybe even love them.

If love is a choice, that is something you can control.  You can control if you stay in a marriage, you can make choices to do nice and caring things for that person.  On and on…… But you can’t force feelings.  Facilitate them?  I think so… Though I believe that requires cooperation on the part of the other person for the best outcome.  I can maybe talk myself into believing that I’m feeling affection, but it would not be true or organic.

It seems to me that anyone who’s been married or in a relationship for any amount of time has to have experienced a cooling off of their feelings.  I can’t see how anyone can feel the same day in and day out….. but I could be wrong.

What do you think?


3 thoughts on “what’s love?

  1. mouse says:

    There is a tendency in long term relationships for “love” to ebb and flow…Sometimes we just think the grass is greener some where else….

    The problem is that grass only appears to be greener from a distance. Once you’re actually standing there you notice the brown spots….the crab grass or moss…

    It’s about perspective.


  2. greengirl says:

    I think love is unbelievably complex. One thing i do believe though is that we have to be good to ourselves – Love becomes also something else when it also causes hurt or is damaging.

  3. Ally says:

    mouse & greengirl – I couldn’t agree with you more

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