I’ve just caught up on a few blogs. I apologize that I haven’t commented anywhere, I am literally trying to catch up on hundreds of posts. Commenting at all seems daunting. We are wrapping up a big remodeling project, that is what has taken up so much of my time mind and my time the past few months. I won’t say much about it except that it turned out beautifully and I couldn’t be happier with the results. Also, so thankful to have a husband who enjoys tackling these projects and has the skills to do it right. The kids are only for another month and a half, trying to get up for the summer and figure out what we are going to do with our time.
As for me, I know that somewhere down inside I am really frustrated, angry, sad and feeling powerless over some things that really bother me. Just above there is a layer of cushioning that somehow keeps me from being upset, but also keeps me from dealing with the issues. On the surface it probably appears like I do not care one way or the other anymore… in a way I don’t. Or I don’t want to care anyway.
I suppose the truth is that I am terrified to care about my relationship with my spouse anymore. For more than one reason. For one, it has been a constant source of disappointment. Never feeling understood, connected on a deeper lever, never feeling like I was enough to deserve to be loved the way I needed. Two, he has some very bad habits that I know affect his health in a way that push every fear of abandonment and death of mine until I feel like I would just prefer to not be around to watch it all go south. Three, I am angry that he doesn’t see how his carelessness with his body is going to affect mine and my kids lives in the future, like he doesn’t get that he is going to drag us all through hell. Four, to re engage means (in my experience) a lot of hurt and very little reward.
It’s upsetting me right now to type it, but tomorrow I will wake up and be numb again. I used to think that was no way to live. I used to think that those strong emotions that used to have were better than nothing, and now I would disagree. I am happier this way. And if I am deluding myself…. well, I will find out eventually.
It’s funny that even now I am worried what people are thinking…. that I am whiney, weak, whatever. I just need to write… to help organize my thoughts, to get it out of my system, to feel like someone might listen or care. And it’s a little cathartic, witch I really need where ever I can get it. I don’t talk about this stuff with my RL friends.