music and books

My new favorite song..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptepeQ_8y-A

It’s from The Hunger Games soundtrack.  Loved the book, but I was not to much in love with the movie.  Anyway, you can listen if you want.  I actually really enjoy almost all of the soundtrack.

So I keep hearing about this book, or a series called 50 Shades of Grey.  I had heard that it was about BDSM and a bit hit among the mainstream.  I saw this woman on tv who said “it’s about all those things that you wish you could do, but can’t”.  I thought that was kind of funny.

Have any of you read it?  Is it worth reading?

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what’s love?

I went walking with a friend the other day and we were talking about her ex boyfriend and his wife.  The ex had told her they were having marriage problems and his wife had told him that she had fallen out of love with him and needed to fall back in love.  My friend asks me if I think this can happen… do I think that people can fall out of love and back again?

Without thinking about it too hard I said yes, I do think that can happen.  She seemed surprised that I would say this and said “Really?  I guess maybe it’s just the different personalities of women”.  It was weird to me that she would say this since she readily admits that she has been disconnected from her husband since he cheated on her three years ago, but also says she will always love him.  I’m not sure where she was coming from….

I felt compelled to explain my view further.  I said, for example that I may lack feelings of affection for my husband, my feelings may even be negative at times.  But I am still married, I still cook, clean, and do laundry for him.  There is a level of physical committment.  Are committment and love always the same?  No, but in a marriage they are intertwined I think.  There is that idea out there, that love is a choice.  That takes committment.  And I know you can get into all the different types of love.  If I try to bring that in this post may never get finished.  I also think that you can decide not to be with someone anymore, but always care about them, maybe even love them.

If love is a choice, that is something you can control.  You can control if you stay in a marriage, you can make choices to do nice and caring things for that person.  On and on…… But you can’t force feelings.  Facilitate them?  I think so… Though I believe that requires cooperation on the part of the other person for the best outcome.  I can maybe talk myself into believing that I’m feeling affection, but it would not be true or organic.

It seems to me that anyone who’s been married or in a relationship for any amount of time has to have experienced a cooling off of their feelings.  I can’t see how anyone can feel the same day in and day out….. but I could be wrong.

What do you think?

sorting it out

I’ve just caught up on a few blogs.  I apologize that I haven’t commented anywhere, I am literally trying to catch up on hundreds of posts.  Commenting at all seems daunting.  We are wrapping up a big remodeling project, that is what has taken up so much of my time mind and my time the past few months.  I won’t say much about it except that it turned out beautifully and I couldn’t be happier with the results.  Also, so thankful to have a husband who enjoys tackling these projects and has the skills to do it right.  The kids are only for another month and a half, trying to get up for the summer and figure out what we are going to do with our time.

As for me,  I know that somewhere down inside I am really frustrated, angry, sad and feeling powerless over some things that really bother me.  Just above there is a layer of cushioning that somehow keeps me from being upset, but also keeps me from dealing with the issues.  On the surface it probably appears like I do not care one way or the other anymore… in a way I don’t.  Or  I don’t want to care anyway. 

I suppose the truth is that I am terrified to care about my relationship with my spouse anymore.  For more than one reason.  For one, it has been a constant source of disappointment.  Never feeling understood, connected on a deeper lever, never feeling like I was enough to deserve to be loved the way I needed.  Two, he has some very bad habits that I know affect his health in a way that push every fear of abandonment and death of mine until I feel like I would just prefer to not be around to watch it all go south.  Three, I am angry that he doesn’t see how his carelessness with his body is going to affect mine and my kids lives in the future, like he doesn’t get that he is going to drag us all through hell.  Four,  to re engage means (in my experience) a lot of hurt and very little reward.

It’s upsetting me right now to type it, but tomorrow I will wake up and be numb again.  I used to think that was no way to live.  I used to think that those strong emotions that used to have were better than nothing, and now I would disagree.  I am happier this way.  And if I am deluding myself…. well, I will find out eventually.

It’s funny that even now I am worried what people are thinking…. that I am whiney, weak, whatever.  I just need to write… to help organize my thoughts, to get it out of my system, to feel like someone might listen or care.  And it’s a little cathartic, witch I really need where ever I can get it.  I don’t talk about this stuff with my RL friends.