date night

We are going out tonight….. first time in a long time, as long as I can remember, with just the two of us.  It was his idea and has said recently – “we should spend more time together”.  We should probably, but it’s kind of funny (not in a ha ha kind of way) that he said that – like it’s a simple as that and then everything can be ok.  It’s something I guess, which is more than I’ve attempted lately.  I really hope he doesn’t want to talk a lot.

I am not brave or strong or unwavering…. I don’t want to deal with the aftermath should I let my guard down.  The dam will burst, my head will explode…. oh, it will be messy.  And then I will have to clean it up on my own, that’s how it is.  I am starting to accept that we are not compatible in the way that I wish we were.  We operate on two totally different levels.  Not better or worse, just very very very different.

 

 

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12 thoughts on “date night

  1. mouse says:

    Ally,

    Really hope it goes better than you fear.

    Hugs,
    mouse

  2. greengirl says:

    it’s a step Ally – i think you have to take steps – even if they are baby steps and you don’t know where they lead. I also hope it goes better than you fear.

    • Ally says:

      greengirl – that’s true, little steps here or there have to go somewhere. I think in my mind the gap is so vast that it will take something huge to close it. Or like, I am so far gone that I can’t imagine anything less than something huge to bring me back. I’ll have to think about that…

  3. Sir J says:

    I hope is was out right fun.

  4. It great to hear from you Ally. And I want to shout “protect yourself Ally!!” but you understand that perfectly. The hollowness in your words is telling. I hope very much you continue to bolster support for yourself. And I hope he removes his self-imposed fog to find you. YOU are worth finding. Hugs KayLynn

  5. Ally says:

    KayLynn, I love that you always seem to get me. Thanks for being my cheerleader 🙂

  6. I’ve been there Ally. I didn’t always write such things on my blog. It seemed that I was “waiting” forever at times. You’ve had so many difficulties and set backs, it’s easy to get back to this place you describe in your post. It’s all too familiar.
    But I can’t tell you how glad I was to read the comments and find that it was a really good date. Do update us as soon as you have a chance. I’d love to hear more. 🙂

    • Ally says:

      Elysia, This place that I am in, that I described, I’m not sure that I have ever been here before. We did have a good time, mainly I was relieved that nothing heavy came up, it was light and I didn’t have to talk about anything like I feared might happen. Not sure that I’ve ever been so detached and it was hard to get to this place. I don’t know if that makes sense. In a way, for me it feels like moving forward rather than moving backward, bc I was always feeling so desperate before.

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