I know it’s been a long time, I’ve partly been busy, part of it is avoidance.  Writing for the blog, or writing at all, or reading blogs, it all really stirs up my mind, and more importantly my heart.  The truth is my heart really needed a break from all the turmoil.  I needed to step back and stop putting myself through all the feelings that I was allowing to take over me.  So that is what I’ve been able to do.  At first it just happened naturally, like a switch was turned off, and now I can maintain this as long as I need.  And don’t worry, my therapist and I are handling it.  She seems to think I needed a little peace too.  It’s a very safe place for me to be emotionally and I’ll deal with the rest when I’m able.

So I am safe, but pretty lonely at times.  Brad continues on with life as usually I guess.  He doesn’t seem to notice that anything is wrong, of course I wouldn’t really know what he thinks because we haven’t talked about anything important in quite a while.  We are chummy roommates I guess, but not a lot of intimacy.  I don’t get a say in how he deals with his meds and sleep issue and I don’t really get to voice my opinion without him getting defensive, so I’m doing my best not to care.  It’s hard to do that AND and be connected, so that is why I’ve pulled back so much.  But like I said, it doesn’t seem like he’s noticed.  Things don’t look good for us from the inside, but I have no plans to leave or anything.  I just accepted this new arrangement for the time being.

I am sure that many of you feel like I should try something, anything.  I am kind of judging myself that way too, but I am so tired.  I really need the break.  I will when I am ready.


4 thoughts on “update

  1. abby says:

    Glad to hear from you. Only you will know when you are ready….I wish you peace. abby

  2. sarah thorne says:

    Thank you for checking i with us.

    While not at the place you are, I do struggle with my own hubby and his health issues. I have had to decide not to care, as you put it, because when I care and think about it and get upset and then nag him to do better, I get frustrated and resentful and angry. Don’t get me wrong, I do still care. But I have to consciously make myself turn my head or walk out of the room, or not ask about his management routine.

    I hope things get better for you soon.


  3. mouse says:

    Been thinking about you. You do whatever you need to do. Who is mouse or anyone else to judge what you do? You do whatever is right and good for you that helps you stay in that emotionally safe place.

    Until then mouse will just keep you in kind thoughts and warm hugs.


  4. Ally says:

    Abby, Sarah, and mouse – Thank you to each of you for your kind comments. They really do mean a lot to me, even though I am not very good at demonstrating it. When I write it feels stilted and comes off mechanical (to me anyway) but I don’t mean for it to sound that way.

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