We are going out tonight….. first time in a long time, as long as I can remember, with just the two of us. It was his idea and has said recently – “we should spend more time together”. We should probably, but it’s kind of funny (not in a ha ha kind of way) that he said that – like it’s a simple as that and then everything can be ok. It’s something I guess, which is more than I’ve attempted lately. I really hope he doesn’t want to talk a lot.
I am not brave or strong or unwavering…. I don’t want to deal with the aftermath should I let my guard down. The dam will burst, my head will explode…. oh, it will be messy. And then I will have to clean it up on my own, that’s how it is. I am starting to accept that we are not compatible in the way that I wish we were. We operate on two totally different levels. Not better or worse, just very very very different.
I know it’s been a long time, I’ve partly been busy, part of it is avoidance. Writing for the blog, or writing at all, or reading blogs, it all really stirs up my mind, and more importantly my heart. The truth is my heart really needed a break from all the turmoil. I needed to step back and stop putting myself through all the feelings that I was allowing to take over me. So that is what I’ve been able to do. At first it just happened naturally, like a switch was turned off, and now I can maintain this as long as I need. And don’t worry, my therapist and I are handling it. She seems to think I needed a little peace too. It’s a very safe place for me to be emotionally and I’ll deal with the rest when I’m able.
So I am safe, but pretty lonely at times. Brad continues on with life as usually I guess. He doesn’t seem to notice that anything is wrong, of course I wouldn’t really know what he thinks because we haven’t talked about anything important in quite a while. We are chummy roommates I guess, but not a lot of intimacy. I don’t get a say in how he deals with his meds and sleep issue and I don’t really get to voice my opinion without him getting defensive, so I’m doing my best not to care. It’s hard to do that AND and be connected, so that is why I’ve pulled back so much. But like I said, it doesn’t seem like he’s noticed. Things don’t look good for us from the inside, but I have no plans to leave or anything. I just accepted this new arrangement for the time being.
I am sure that many of you feel like I should try something, anything. I am kind of judging myself that way too, but I am so tired. I really need the break. I will when I am ready.