no title for this one

Hi Friends,   Sorry to have disappeared on you recently.  Trying to write for the blog was becoming pointless at the time.  Sometimes I need to do things to protect myself from….well, myself.   I want to say that I’m great, but I’m not.  I’m doing ok.  A while ago I realized that being submissive to a certain degree was not going to help my marriage.  I let myself stuff many things deep down inside to avoid disagreements or confrontation.  I let myself be in a position where I wasn’t taking care of me, and neither was anybody else.  Marriage can be hard under the best of circumstances, I know that.    We’ve been dealing with the back pain/RLS stuff now since my son was a baby, so it’s been between 7 or 8 years.  I for a long long long times I was very supportive in all that was happening.  Early on before meds, I tried to help him sleep.  Massages, hot baths, vitamins, herbs.  He’d come home many nights and just go straight to bed.  And I was fine with that, I just took care of everything else, the house, the kids, whatever I needed to do.  And I was happy to, because I wanted to be supportive.  We threw thousands of dollars at this problem in medical bills, I was more than happy to do that too.  I loved him, I wanted him to get better as much as he did.  Fast forward through several years – there were surgeries, lots of living on pain meds, neglect to our marriage…. and I’m sorry to say that I’ve become a bit bitter about it.  I hate the thought of being a bitter person, so I am left with being sad.  The secrecy about pills, the waving me off when I’ve been broken, all the silence.  It’s gotten to me.  Just recently he’s gotten back on pain meds, and he wants me to be supportive but I’m terrified.  The RLS is here to stay, it’s a life long issue, I get that he needs some type of medication to get by, you just can’t survive never sleeping.  I just need someone to understand that it scares me.  When I’ve tried to tell him about it, he says I worry too much, I’m not being supportive.    I am so emotionally tired, I can’t even tell you… I feel unloved and incredibly vulnerable, not just because of this one issue, there are others.  And not vulnerable in a good way, I mean unprotected should something happen to him, or if something should happen to us.  I have all these feelings and fears trapped inside and it really seems like he just doesn’t want to hear it.  I tried writing an email and he says all I think about its myself, what about his pain?  what about what he’s going through?  It’s so discouraging when you feel like you can’t say what you want to without making that person mad.  When you feel like they don’t care about you at all.  I kind feel like he hates me right now.  I feel like I need to close ranks, protect myself from the person who should be protecting me.  It means I need to toughen up and need less.  It means I need my girlfriends more than ever. 

He’s mad that I can’t give him credit for the times that he’s tried.  I am guilty of that, so I will give him that credit.  There have been period where things were better and we were talking more and, it was getting better.  My problem is that our relationship needs more than just every once in a while.  Marriage is a living thing, and just like a baby, if you don’t continue to feed it, it is going to waste away and die.  You can’t feed it scraps, ignore its cries, it’s needs, and expect it to give you all smiles.

I am by no means perfect either.  I’ve lied about things, I’ve been angry about the pain meds and how they’ve changed him and taken him away, I’ve yelled, and argued, and given the cold shoulder.  There are things I could do better. 

I’m almost ready to give up.  I can’t make someone love me, I can’t make someone care enough to take better care of themselves. 

I want a better life though. 

Thanks for listening,

Ally