a letter

This post was inspired by some texts between Brad and I today… it seemed to just write itself.

To Brad –

I didn’t know how to say this before, in such a clear way.  I think I’ve tried to show you, to get you to see, or hoping that you would just know intuitively.  But none of those have worked, and now I know just what to say.

I am a broken girl.  Wall have things that go on in our childhood that cause us problems in our adult relationships, this is mine.  I was rarely talked to.  My parents didn’t care to discuss things with me.  Nothing difficult, or what I perceived as difficult.  Nobody talked to me.  I didn’t learn to say what I wanted, what I needed, or much of how I felt. Much less learn to say those things constructively.  I’m an adult now, and I ‘ve learned a little along the way, too slowly for my liking, but still.  So I need you to talk to me, all the time.  I need you to draw me out, or at least try.  When we are talking about ttwd, and where we might be headed, I need you to talk in excess, so that I can feel comfortable talking about it.  When we are practicing ttwd, I need you to talk to me so I know you still care.  So I know that you are not off in your world when we are together.  So I know that you are there for me.  Even during the rough stuff, especially then, I need you to talk to me gently, because without that I am still alone.  When you don’t talk to me, it feels uncaring.  There is something about the whole dynamic, there is something there that I am using to help put the pieces of me together, to heal.  This is an important part.

I know that it’s not natural for you… you are not a talker.  That wasn’t modeled for you as a child either.  Funny how it works out that way, or rather frustrating, isn’t it?  I just need you to try.  I really really need you to try.  I will help in any way I can.

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5 thoughts on “a letter

  1. sarah thorne says:

    HUGS. I feel for you. My guy is not a talker either, and if he even sense in ANY way that there will be even the slightest of conflict, he says and does nothing. 😦

    And yes, it can feel uncaring.

    sarah

  2. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    Good for you for being able to see this and communicate it to him.

  3. Sara says:

    Ally, being able to figure out what you feel and what you need is a big step. Telling Brad, asking for it, is huge! I hope you feel really good and even proud about being able to find and voice your feelings! What did Brad say?

    Sara

  4. mouse says:

    Oh Ally,

    Dunno what to say…it sounded so sad, so heartfelt. Just hope he listens.

    Hugs,
    mouse

  5. cedeno says:

    Awww. That’s a big step. Good for you. It is hard when you aren’t a natual comunicator but you know you want the closeness that comes with being a communicator. Good luck. Keep asking for what you need!!!

    Hugs, Kelly

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