a letter

This post was inspired by some texts between Brad and I today… it seemed to just write itself.

To Brad –

I didn’t know how to say this before, in such a clear way.  I think I’ve tried to show you, to get you to see, or hoping that you would just know intuitively.  But none of those have worked, and now I know just what to say.

I am a broken girl.  Wall have things that go on in our childhood that cause us problems in our adult relationships, this is mine.  I was rarely talked to.  My parents didn’t care to discuss things with me.  Nothing difficult, or what I perceived as difficult.  Nobody talked to me.  I didn’t learn to say what I wanted, what I needed, or much of how I felt. Much less learn to say those things constructively.  I’m an adult now, and I ‘ve learned a little along the way, too slowly for my liking, but still.  So I need you to talk to me, all the time.  I need you to draw me out, or at least try.  When we are talking about ttwd, and where we might be headed, I need you to talk in excess, so that I can feel comfortable talking about it.  When we are practicing ttwd, I need you to talk to me so I know you still care.  So I know that you are not off in your world when we are together.  So I know that you are there for me.  Even during the rough stuff, especially then, I need you to talk to me gently, because without that I am still alone.  When you don’t talk to me, it feels uncaring.  There is something about the whole dynamic, there is something there that I am using to help put the pieces of me together, to heal.  This is an important part.

I know that it’s not natural for you… you are not a talker.  That wasn’t modeled for you as a child either.  Funny how it works out that way, or rather frustrating, isn’t it?  I just need you to try.  I really really need you to try.  I will help in any way I can.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is probably my favorite holiday.  It’s relatively low stress and I love getting together with all of our family at once.  One of the best things about each of our sides of the family is that we are really enjoy each other and we get together all in one place for every holiday, birthday, and sometimes just for kicks.  I feel very lucky that we don’t have to divide our time between houses. 

There are many things I am thankful for but I’ll keep it short and sweet.  Most of my family is in very good health, with the exception of my grandpa who is almost 90 with cancer.  I am just thankful that he is still alive right now.  I am thankful that we have all that we need to live comfortably.  I am so thankful for the friends that I have, they add so much to my life.  That includes blogging friends.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who will be celebrating tomorrow.

You can click on the picture if it’s too hard to read.

join us…

Last year Jz started a Cookie Exchange and it was great to get so many new recipies for the holidays.  She’s organizing it again for this year and hoping for even more participants.   Anyone is welcome to join.  It involves posting a recipe on December 7th.  You need to email her with your info before then so check out all the details. 

 See all the information on her blog here 

  http://areluctantbitch.blogspot.com/2011/11/calling-all-bakers.html

 

 

you’re welcome

A few weeks ago Brad told me that he just couldn’t do the dom thing anymore.  He couldn’t keep trying, no more spanking, no more anything D/s.  Not because he didn’t want to, but because he wanted to too much.  His complaint was that I wasn’t where he was, we weren’t on the same page, and it was just to hard to keep wanting it.  He was right, we’ve been totally off lately, worlds apart.  I’ve been trying to keep from crossing over the line into depression, I’m busy and overwhelmed trying to keep up with the house and the kid’s school stuff and all their extra activities, not to mention all the holiday stuff. Also between August and October there are nine birthdays in the family.  Sooooo much going on.  It’s really hard to find the emotional and physical energy to work on your relationship, let alone turn into a sex kitten at the drop of a hat. 

So anyway, when he told me that he wanted to get away from all that I kind of freaked out at first.  Kind of.  After we talked I decided to not worry about it at this time and just give him the space he needed to do what he needed to do.  And it’s funny because since he said all that we’ve had more than enough sex and I’ve been spanked at least three times since then. 

Ok, well the first time I asked him to do it, and only if he did not mind.  We were both trying, but having so much trouble connecting in any significant way.  I wasn’t even connecting with myself, let alone him.  I would try to talk about how I was feeling, and I don’t know… the words just hung in the air and didn’t seems to reach him.  So we talked about how we weren’t connecting and I just didn’t know why I felt so off.  Having warm memories of so many nights we spent spanking (and then other things), I said maybe that was something we could try.  I didn’t mention the memories, just that maybe that would help.  Maybe I should have said “hey, remember all those times when….” or “this might help with the intimacy issue”.  Maybe that would have given him a clearer idea of what I was looking for or where my expectations were, but it didn’t even cross my mind that I needed to explain further at the time.  What I needed something that felt loving and caring and I needed to be handled gently.  What he gave me was silence that felt cold and a heavy handed spanking that left my expectations unfulfilled.  We talked about it right away, obviously we were on different pages.  It was unsettling to be so disappointed, not in him, but that our efforts seemed to make things worse, especially in this area.

I’m happy to report that we’ve improved since then.    I think that I have turned him into a true spanko, the guy can’t have sex with out smacking my behind at the very least once or twice.  He also seems to enjoy smacking me in the kitchen, the family room, and where ever else I happen to be.  I was on the receiving end of some pretty nice spanking this afternoon (that I did not ask for) and in the middle of…eh hem… the next activity, he says “I love pinning you down like this”.    “Hmmm… I’ve noticed……  Did you ever think about pinning me down before I got us to all this kinky stuff?”   He laughed “No”.  “You’re welcome”. 

He’s thankful.  So, yeah…I’m not worried.

Also, did anyone see this SNL skit last night? 

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/secret-word/1368180/

Watch the whole thing if you feel like it but I just want you to catch the first 30 seconds.

It’s Love Our Lurkers Day

I think most bloggers would agree that it’s nice to know that we are not sending our writings off into a great void, but that they are read and appreciated in some way by someone else.  Every comment, for me, is an encouragement, and I appreciate them all.  I also appreciate those of you read but may not want to comment or don’t have anything to add, that’s fine too.  Today is a great day to let me know you are there,  if you want to.  I would love to hear from you! 

*Thanks to Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts for organizing LOL Day every year.  If you go over there you will find a list of all the participating blogs.  Have a good day 🙂

avoiding

I’m avoiding posting anything…. because I don’t want to say anything mean, or nasty…. or depressing or boring or sad.  I don’t want to say anything that I can’t take back.   I don’t want to withdrawl either, which is my tendancy, and I’m fighting with myself over that, we’ll see who wins.  I’ll be here with a happy face for tomorrow though, for Love Our Lurker’s Day.  That is always a good time and it warms my heart to see all the people who read here.  See you tomorrow.