top and bottom talking

I don’t remember exactly what made me think of it yesterday but I remembered that we had two books that had barely been touched since I had ordered them a while back.  I ordered them at a time when neither of us were really in a good place to explore them, but yesterday I was glad that I had them there right when I needed them.  The books are The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book.  Yesterday I just pulled out The Topping Book to browse through.  Brad and I have slowly begun talking about, or trying to figure out exactly what is the direction we want to go.  We are still of course working on general relationship issues but in the meantime we still want sex… and fun… and well, you know….  So we are trying to tell each other what it is we expect, want, want to give….etc.

Anyway, I started looking at this book and thought it would be a good idea to write notes, underline important stuff, mark things that I wanted to discuss.  So last night, because of a suggestion in the book, we ended up each listing all the sexual and bdsm activities we could think of and then labeling them each as either “yes”, “no”, or “maybe if the circumstances were right/maybe someday”.  This turned out to be an interesting exercise.  What I learned most is that I have learned about a whole lot of things due to my voracious blog reading the past two and a half years and that there are a whole lot of things that Brad doesn’t know anything about.  It’s not too big of a deal because most of the activities I listed that he didn’t know about were a big fat no.  However, there were a couple that he’s asked me to send him info on so that he can learn about them.  I’m happy to of course!   We talked about some other things….  he was telling me stuff that he liked.  But when it was my turn, I couldn’t seem to tell him one thing without going into all sorts of explanations about why or conditions.  He thought that I was feeling self conscious, and I was a little, but I was also having a problem explaining (gg, this reminded me of your post),  because so much of what turns me on is psychological.  It’s not just about him doing something, but what he does, his mannerisms, his demeanor, what he says and how it’s said, his intent, the emotional temperature of both of us and responding in the right way.  Not that it has to be absolutely perfect, but doing it in the right way is a moving target.   You really have to be on your game and pay attention.  I feel like Brad is really trying to be more proactive now.  He said that before for him it was all about the end result,  now he can see there are things that he was approaching the wrong way.  I can see that he is so much more invested in the process and how it affects our relationship now than he has been in the past.  That makes me cautiously happy.  I’m still holding my breath a little, but things are going well.

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12 thoughts on “top and bottom talking

  1. Wow Ally, great idea regarding the listing. And yes, the quality of the process becomes the end result. He will enjoy slowing things down, watching how you take in his actions (I remember you once shared his spanking style). I’m so glad for each of you – able to take such important risks. Smiles, KayLynn

    • Ally says:

      Kaylynn, Maybe I should’ve mentioned that by “end result” I meant he was mostly interested in his “happy ending” 🙂 So yes, this is quite different. Not saying that in the past he was indifferent to me, only that he seems more personally interested in the rest of what is going on. We’ve been mixing things up a little bit, it’s been nice.

  2. elle says:

    HWMBA had me read these books and go through the ‘yes/no/maybe’ exercise when we first got together. Its a fascinating insight into not only what we do and don’t like but also why isn’t it? Its also amazing how those things change over time. I couldn’t agree more that the process is every bit, if not more, important than the end result. That’s not always easy for our men, who tend to be mostly goal orientated, so its to their huge credit when we have men prepared to listen and take account of that to make things even better.

    love and hugs xxx

    • Ally says:

      elle, I agree, so many items on my list have changed status, even just over the past 2 1/2 years I’ve been blogging. A LOT has changed. I think that is a good thing. 🙂

  3. Serenity says:

    I over explain my needs as well. It is so hard to give simply a word for what you are needing rather than more of a complex scenerio. Some acts take a lot of tweaking to work out the intensity, mood, attitude, etc that feels the best.

    • Ally says:

      Serenity, I find this the most difficult, explaining all the details. It’s really hard for me to talk about, but it’s getting better.

  4. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    I do know what you mean in fact 🙂 This sounds like a great place to start, to go along with other efforts, and to add some lightness and fun maybe too.

  5. abby says:

    Great idea to amk a list. Also good to revisit those lists. In my case, many of my no ways, became maybes or yesses! abby

    • Ally says:

      abby, I have been the same way, so many items on my list have changed as well. It’s fun to look back and see how much we’ve changed over the past couple years.

  6. Jake says:

    I really like the list idea–it’s something that hadn’t occurred to me. I may give that a try with my wife and see how we compare. As far as the two books go, do you recommend them?

  7. Ally says:

    hi jake, I do recommend the books. The topping book has turned out to be very helpful, very practical for my husband, especially since he doesn’t read much online.

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