I don’t remember exactly what made me think of it yesterday but I remembered that we had two books that had barely been touched since I had ordered them a while back. I ordered them at a time when neither of us were really in a good place to explore them, but yesterday I was glad that I had them there right when I needed them. The books are The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book. Yesterday I just pulled out The Topping Book to browse through. Brad and I have slowly begun talking about, or trying to figure out exactly what is the direction we want to go. We are still of course working on general relationship issues but in the meantime we still want sex… and fun… and well, you know…. So we are trying to tell each other what it is we expect, want, want to give….etc.
Anyway, I started looking at this book and thought it would be a good idea to write notes, underline important stuff, mark things that I wanted to discuss. So last night, because of a suggestion in the book, we ended up each listing all the sexual and bdsm activities we could think of and then labeling them each as either “yes”, “no”, or “maybe if the circumstances were right/maybe someday”. This turned out to be an interesting exercise. What I learned most is that I have learned about a whole lot of things due to my voracious blog reading the past two and a half years and that there are a whole lot of things that Brad doesn’t know anything about. It’s not too big of a deal because most of the activities I listed that he didn’t know about were a big fat no. However, there were a couple that he’s asked me to send him info on so that he can learn about them. I’m happy to of course! We talked about some other things…. he was telling me stuff that he liked. But when it was my turn, I couldn’t seem to tell him one thing without going into all sorts of explanations about why or conditions. He thought that I was feeling self conscious, and I was a little, but I was also having a problem explaining (gg, this reminded me of your post), because so much of what turns me on is psychological. It’s not just about him doing something, but what he does, his mannerisms, his demeanor, what he says and how it’s said, his intent, the emotional temperature of both of us and responding in the right way. Not that it has to be absolutely perfect, but doing it in the right way is a moving target. You really have to be on your game and pay attention. I feel like Brad is really trying to be more proactive now. He said that before for him it was all about the end result, now he can see there are things that he was approaching the wrong way. I can see that he is so much more invested in the process and how it affects our relationship now than he has been in the past. That makes me cautiously happy. I’m still holding my breath a little, but things are going well.