not feeling so positive today… more like unfixable

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But time makes you bolder…..

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm, mmm, mmm

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I’m getting older too

-Landslide  (part of it anyway)

I LOVE this song and it has been close to my heart lately.  I am not in a bad place though.  Quite the opposite.  Not everything is perfect, or the way I would like it to be, but really… when does that ever happen?  Brad and I are doing awesome.  Last night he told me that he feels closer to me now than he ever has.  It was also interesting to hear him say that he felt it had more to do with him changing his perspective about me than anything.  I feel close to him too.  Mostly because I have been more open about my feelings, more open in general, than I ever have before with him.  Partly out of necessity, partly because the changes in him made it safe for me to do so. 

So why the song?  There are three lines that reach out and grab me.  “Can the child within my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?  Can I handle the seasons of my life?”   Change is something that most people struggle with.  When I think about change it makes me want to throw a tantrum like a child.  (Inside my head of course.)  Sometimes there are changes that I balk at so strongly that I wonder if I will ever accept them and go on and be happy.  I can become obsessive about these things too.  Like I have to keep pushing until it’s not a problem anymore.  This isn’t always the best way.  Sometimes it’s better to stay calm and wait and see what happens.  A friend of mine once told me “Change is life…can’t avoid it…” and some other stuff I can’t remember word for word.  But it left the  impression that I’d better get over being mad/sad/resistant to change because it’s always going to be there whether I want it or not and I’d better learn how to deal with it, hopefully in a more positive way, with a more positive perspective.

Can I handle whatever comes my way?  I know I can live through it, of course.  Can I get through it and still be happy?  Happier?  Happiness isn’t everything…. I don’t know.  One thing I do know for sure from the past few months is that this is true  – Just when you think there is no hope… there it is. 

 

top and bottom talking

I don’t remember exactly what made me think of it yesterday but I remembered that we had two books that had barely been touched since I had ordered them a while back.  I ordered them at a time when neither of us were really in a good place to explore them, but yesterday I was glad that I had them there right when I needed them.  The books are The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book.  Yesterday I just pulled out The Topping Book to browse through.  Brad and I have slowly begun talking about, or trying to figure out exactly what is the direction we want to go.  We are still of course working on general relationship issues but in the meantime we still want sex… and fun… and well, you know….  So we are trying to tell each other what it is we expect, want, want to give….etc.

Anyway, I started looking at this book and thought it would be a good idea to write notes, underline important stuff, mark things that I wanted to discuss.  So last night, because of a suggestion in the book, we ended up each listing all the sexual and bdsm activities we could think of and then labeling them each as either “yes”, “no”, or “maybe if the circumstances were right/maybe someday”.  This turned out to be an interesting exercise.  What I learned most is that I have learned about a whole lot of things due to my voracious blog reading the past two and a half years and that there are a whole lot of things that Brad doesn’t know anything about.  It’s not too big of a deal because most of the activities I listed that he didn’t know about were a big fat no.  However, there were a couple that he’s asked me to send him info on so that he can learn about them.  I’m happy to of course!   We talked about some other things….  he was telling me stuff that he liked.  But when it was my turn, I couldn’t seem to tell him one thing without going into all sorts of explanations about why or conditions.  He thought that I was feeling self conscious, and I was a little, but I was also having a problem explaining (gg, this reminded me of your post),  because so much of what turns me on is psychological.  It’s not just about him doing something, but what he does, his mannerisms, his demeanor, what he says and how it’s said, his intent, the emotional temperature of both of us and responding in the right way.  Not that it has to be absolutely perfect, but doing it in the right way is a moving target.   You really have to be on your game and pay attention.  I feel like Brad is really trying to be more proactive now.  He said that before for him it was all about the end result,  now he can see there are things that he was approaching the wrong way.  I can see that he is so much more invested in the process and how it affects our relationship now than he has been in the past.  That makes me cautiously happy.  I’m still holding my breath a little, but things are going well.