where do I begin….?

I feel like I’ve been out of touch for so long that I’m not sure where to begin.  I’ve had so many thoughts rolling around inside my brain lately that would be good for posts, but it might take a little while to coax them out.  So I guess I will start here –

My birthday is today, I’m 34.  Not sure how I feel about that yet, not that it matters, it’s happening anyway.  And now that we are coming up on the end of the year, I am thinking about what I started last December.  My journaling project was a sort of a self discovery,  and what came out of that was amazing.  Through that process I came up with my five personal mission statement points.  I really believe that God put this idea my mind because this project pushed, pulled, carried, and dragged me through some pretty deep mud.  Multiple times.  I also learned that there are times when my feelings control me, or it’s probably more accurate to say they immobilize me.  I’m not really sure what to say about that.  I don’t like it and it’s uncomfortable.  At this point though I’m going to try and be nice to myself and just accept that it happens to me.  When it happened recently I didn’t give up on myself, I just sort of waited for myself to be ready to handle what ever was going to come up inside of me.  That sounds weird, but hopefully you know what I mean.  I think to wrap up the end of the year I will frame my mission statement points so I can see them when I wake up and when I go to bed.  I’m going to get back to journaling more, and come up with some goals for the next year.   This past year was mainly about examining me from the inside.  This next year I am going to focus on myself in relation to others.  It will be interesting.

Recently I posted about Brad changing.  Wanting to be more involved, closer… and boy did that throw me.  It was an out of body experience to see myself suddenly faced with what I longed for… and then turn and run.  He was confused, I was confused.  I think we were both beginning to wonder just how messed up I really am.  I’m still wondering.  Brad’s done a pretty good job since then, he’s really done most of the work.  I couldn’t talk about stuff on my own, he had to pull it out of me.  We’re both doing the best we can and things are going well now. 

As far as ttwd goes… well, it’s nowhere right now.  We are focusing on getting back to being a happy, functioning couple again before we come back to that.  It’s funny because I know he wants to spank me (for fun), I can tell he is dying to do it.  But we have no agreements or understandings in this area right now other than what we decide for the moment.  I’ve just had such an aversion to it lately.  I think and I hope that at some point in the not too distant future we will work our way back to a more stable agreement.  It’s just going to take some more time.

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18 thoughts on “where do I begin….?

  1. elle says:

    Happy birthday Ally ….I hope its a really good day and the start of an even better year.

    much love and hugs xxx

  2. greengirl says:

    Happy Birthday. I know how incredibly difficult this past year has been for you. I so hope that the coming year you can reap some of the benefit of all the hard work.

  3. Happy Birthday Ally. I hope you had a wonderful day. I also hope the coming year is isn’t as difficult as this past one has been for you. Enjoy being with each other, TTWD will happen again when you’re ready.

  4. stumblingchi says:

    Happy Birthday, Ally 🙂

  5. Stormy says:

    Have a wonderful one!

    Stormy

  6. I hope it was a great day Ally! Personally, I’m trying to start a trend of a “birthday week. What do you think of that ?

  7. Katherine says:

    Happy Birthday, Ally! I understand where you’re coming from. I’m someone whose emotions ran the show more often than not, too. And while I don’t become immobilized to the point of not functioning, I have allowed my feelings of anxiety to cause me to procrastinate on some very important things, which only serves to cause me more anxiety, but I do it anyway. I’m thinking it’s because it’s what is familiar to me, even though I know I need to make changes.

    Alex has helped me to slow down, and has taken on full financial responsibility (I hated having to do that) for our household. He is excellent in this area, so when we married last year, we agreed it was best. He’s also helped me to slow down my often frenetic pace. While this is, indeed, a good thing, I’ve noticed that now some other emotions have time and room to surface. Ick. But I know they’re there so I can deal with them.

    Your post encouraged me. It’s always nice to know we’re not alone. Sounds like you and Brad are on the right track. Take your time and don’t forget to enjoy one another!

    Katherine

    • Ally says:

      Katherine, I know what you mean about letting your feelings about things cause you to procrastinate. That happens to me too. It’s great that Alex has helped you in so many different areas. I’m glad you liked my post and thanks for the comment 🙂

  8. sarah thorne says:

    First off, I hope you had a happy birthday.

    I can relate to the dormancy of some things in life and in relationships. Kinda going through it right now myself. In fact, for some of the things on my own blog, I am pulling up some older posts from a few years back that some have seen, and many haven’t, to keep the ‘spanking’ part there for the moment for viewers. Hubby and I are not in agreement with some of those things either, and it makes even the ‘just because’ fun things less appealing in light of that.

    What I have found is that reading back through some of these older posts, and the fun we had, has helped me a bit. Do you have that? Memories written down?

    Journaling is such a good idea to track your thoughts and progression through difficult times. I wish you peace in your choices. 🙂

    sarah

    • Ally says:

      Sarah, Thank you so much for sharing that with me. In this group sometimes I feel like the only one in this position right now and I’m not really sure where we are going either. I do have lots of “fun” older posts. I like your idea of reposting, I will have to look back at some of those. Thanks so much!

      • sarah thorne says:

        Even in not re-posting, re-reading back through old writings while *searching* for an appropriate post has helped some in my feeling.

        I am like you, too, in that it can be easy to feel like the ‘only one’. Lemme tell you, we’re not. I know this, because I have friends in the scene whose lives I DO know outside of the blogging. That doesn’t change the feeling, tho. I also hesitate sharing too much for that very reason on my blog, but am considering a post anyway. 😉

        sarah

      • sarah thorne says:

        ps, I did write about it in my Rambling Thoughts blog a couple posts back. One of the reasons that blog is not being updated as much is because it was our DD blog, and well……

        http://ramblingthoughtss.blogspot.com/2011/07/blind-leads-blind.html

        To be honest, I will probably be shutting it down and just writing on my “Come Play with Me” blog. All in one, like with our Zed and ginger blog. Kink, DD and vanilla rolled into one! 😉

        sarag

  9. Ally says:

    Thanks Sarah, I do remember reading that post, I’ll have to go look at it again. I didn’t realize that “Come play with me”, which i hadn’t seen until the other day was you. I’ll put that on my links list. I can see why you’d want to narrow it down to one blog… I know I have a hard enough time keeping up with just one. 🙂

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