I feel like I’ve been out of touch for so long that I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve had so many thoughts rolling around inside my brain lately that would be good for posts, but it might take a little while to coax them out. So I guess I will start here –
My birthday is today, I’m 34. Not sure how I feel about that yet, not that it matters, it’s happening anyway. And now that we are coming up on the end of the year, I am thinking about what I started last December. My journaling project was a sort of a self discovery, and what came out of that was amazing. Through that process I came up with my five personal mission statement points. I really believe that God put this idea my mind because this project pushed, pulled, carried, and dragged me through some pretty deep mud. Multiple times. I also learned that there are times when my feelings control me, or it’s probably more accurate to say they immobilize me. I’m not really sure what to say about that. I don’t like it and it’s uncomfortable. At this point though I’m going to try and be nice to myself and just accept that it happens to me. When it happened recently I didn’t give up on myself, I just sort of waited for myself to be ready to handle what ever was going to come up inside of me. That sounds weird, but hopefully you know what I mean. I think to wrap up the end of the year I will frame my mission statement points so I can see them when I wake up and when I go to bed. I’m going to get back to journaling more, and come up with some goals for the next year. This past year was mainly about examining me from the inside. This next year I am going to focus on myself in relation to others. It will be interesting.
Recently I posted about Brad changing. Wanting to be more involved, closer… and boy did that throw me. It was an out of body experience to see myself suddenly faced with what I longed for… and then turn and run. He was confused, I was confused. I think we were both beginning to wonder just how messed up I really am. I’m still wondering. Brad’s done a pretty good job since then, he’s really done most of the work. I couldn’t talk about stuff on my own, he had to pull it out of me. We’re both doing the best we can and things are going well now.
As far as ttwd goes… well, it’s nowhere right now. We are focusing on getting back to being a happy, functioning couple again before we come back to that. It’s funny because I know he wants to spank me (for fun), I can tell he is dying to do it. But we have no agreements or understandings in this area right now other than what we decide for the moment. I’ve just had such an aversion to it lately. I think and I hope that at some point in the not too distant future we will work our way back to a more stable agreement. It’s just going to take some more time.