working on it

One problem is enough in a relationship….  Just one problem, if it’s big enough can create a lot of havoc.  One problem, on top of another and another and another, on top of each person’s personal baggage that hangs around their neck like an anchor, is trouble.  Good grief, just when I think we are starting some smooth(er) sailing (and I’m eating that snack called denial), trouble pops up.  I’m not sure if there is anything more difficult when one issue between Brad and I encompasses all those piles of problems AND all our own hot button issues.  But that is what we have been facing.  And it’s been very very emotionally taxing on both of us.

So anyway, I have to say that Brad has been really great.  Patient, loving, persevering, open…. these are not qualities that I associate with him in times of turmoil.  Especially when I shut down.  Sometimes I feel like I have to, because it’s just so hard to tolerate all that is coming up inside.  I’m not sure that I could make it in domestic discipline.  Most of the time it was fine, there were things that I didn’t want to do.  Minor things, like get off the computer early or make sure this or that was done.  But then there were things I didn’t want to do, that involved my body, or interfered with my sense of being a whole person.  Sometimes there are things that happen that feel so wrong you can’t ignore them or explain them away.  I don’t think that is how it’s meant to be.  It’s been a process of learning to trust my own sense of what is going on with me, and to also trust myself to hear what other’s have to say and trust my judgement there too.  I can’t live in the land of self doubt as much as I have in the past.  There were things that we fumbled with over and over.  I think we were both trying, trying to just get by any way we could and stay intact.  It’s hard to know sometimes what is the best when one person’s gut is telling them one thing and the other is the opposite.  All that said, I am really proud of Brad, he is truly looking for a win/win for us and I am totally on board with that.  He asked me the other day to write down for him what it was about our conversation that made for such a positive outcome.  Here it is….*  First, the fact that you are willing to work with me to find a win/win solution instead of settling for a win/lose, or worse, a lose/lose.  And since you are willing to be more open it helps me to be more open.  Getting things out in the open was nice.  You being calm helped a lot.  You being nice, helped a lot.  Not feeling trapped and helpless, well, that’s the clincher, I felt like I could breathe again.  I literally felt the weight come off my chest and it opened up my heart to feel love for you again.*

It’s a tricky line to walk.  This person’s feelings, that person’s feelings, should you give begrudgingly if you can’t willingly?  Should you risk waiting until you feel like you know the answer?  What happens in the meantime?  What do you do when you just don’t know what to do?  Thankfully, I think we will be able to work around these.   I know I am being vague, I want to let you know what’s going on, without sharing too much, but I think we will be ok.  If we make it through this I think we will have more true intimacy than we’ve ever had before, I can already feel it.

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11 thoughts on “working on it

  1. Sara says:

    Wow Ally…I am thinking of you and sending all the positve energy I can muster your way! I hope you feel some good vibes comming at ya! 🙂 Sara

  2. Ally says:

    Sara, I do, I really do – thank you so much! 🙂

  3. “Getting things out in the open” and “win/win” -same here, more and more. It’s great and I’m so happy for you both!
    For me, this was not vague at all. Quite clear. Feels good, doesn’t it? -E

  4. Serenity says:

    It sounds like what ever you guys are going through, you are getting through it together. Your communicating and not giving up. I think that is just wonderful! *hugs*

    • Ally says:

      Serenity, The credit really goes to Brad this time. I was giving up, he didn’t. Sometimes communicating with me is like pulling teeth. Thanks for the hugs 🙂
      Ally

  5. I hope you two are able to work through this difficult time in your lives. Being open and honest about what you want and need from each other is so important. I’ve been there myself. My experiences have taught me that if you’re both not on the same page, working toward the same goal(s), someone is in for heartache. Wishing you the very best.

    • Ally says:

      Dark Knight, I thnk you are correct about being on the same page, it’s very hard to work together when your not “together”. I know that we are at least on the right track now. Thanks,
      Ally

  6. Katherine says:

    First, the fact that you are willing to work with me to find a win/win solution instead of settling for a win/lose, or worse, a lose/lose. And since you are willing to be more open it helps me to be more open. Getting things out in the open was nice. You being calm helped a lot. You being nice, helped a lot. Not feeling trapped and helpless, well, that’s the clincher, I felt like I could breathe again. I literally felt the weight come off my chest and it opened up my heart to feel love for you again.*

    Ally, you couldn’t have said it better. When our husbands are calm and open to hearing what we have to say and willing to work with us to make things right for each other, it makes all the difference in the world. Your last sentence is an eye-opening one — an “aha” moment, if you will — I think there are times we may not even realize that our hearts have closed down. Other times we know they have but we don’t know what to do about it. And while we know we still love our husbands during times of difficulty, it is sometimes so hard to feel it. Getting that weight off our chests does, indeed, open our hearts up to feeling it again.

    Thank you for sharing, and good luck to you and Brad. It takes a lot of work to get on the same page, but so worth it!

  7. Ally I’m so happy for you, Brad, you’re marriage! You asked some great questions. I always play it safe – I say what I feel (assuming I know – and if I don’t, I say that).

    Keep it simple by being genuine.If you answer what you think you should, then a precarious cornerstone is layed and Brad won’t know the real you.

    Now that you have a chance to breathe, you will see your confidence and wisdom blosson. My best to you! KayLynn

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