where do I begin….?

I feel like I’ve been out of touch for so long that I’m not sure where to begin.  I’ve had so many thoughts rolling around inside my brain lately that would be good for posts, but it might take a little while to coax them out.  So I guess I will start here –

My birthday is today, I’m 34.  Not sure how I feel about that yet, not that it matters, it’s happening anyway.  And now that we are coming up on the end of the year, I am thinking about what I started last December.  My journaling project was a sort of a self discovery,  and what came out of that was amazing.  Through that process I came up with my five personal mission statement points.  I really believe that God put this idea my mind because this project pushed, pulled, carried, and dragged me through some pretty deep mud.  Multiple times.  I also learned that there are times when my feelings control me, or it’s probably more accurate to say they immobilize me.  I’m not really sure what to say about that.  I don’t like it and it’s uncomfortable.  At this point though I’m going to try and be nice to myself and just accept that it happens to me.  When it happened recently I didn’t give up on myself, I just sort of waited for myself to be ready to handle what ever was going to come up inside of me.  That sounds weird, but hopefully you know what I mean.  I think to wrap up the end of the year I will frame my mission statement points so I can see them when I wake up and when I go to bed.  I’m going to get back to journaling more, and come up with some goals for the next year.   This past year was mainly about examining me from the inside.  This next year I am going to focus on myself in relation to others.  It will be interesting.

Recently I posted about Brad changing.  Wanting to be more involved, closer… and boy did that throw me.  It was an out of body experience to see myself suddenly faced with what I longed for… and then turn and run.  He was confused, I was confused.  I think we were both beginning to wonder just how messed up I really am.  I’m still wondering.  Brad’s done a pretty good job since then, he’s really done most of the work.  I couldn’t talk about stuff on my own, he had to pull it out of me.  We’re both doing the best we can and things are going well now. 

As far as ttwd goes… well, it’s nowhere right now.  We are focusing on getting back to being a happy, functioning couple again before we come back to that.  It’s funny because I know he wants to spank me (for fun), I can tell he is dying to do it.  But we have no agreements or understandings in this area right now other than what we decide for the moment.  I’ve just had such an aversion to it lately.  I think and I hope that at some point in the not too distant future we will work our way back to a more stable agreement.  It’s just going to take some more time.


working on it

One problem is enough in a relationship….  Just one problem, if it’s big enough can create a lot of havoc.  One problem, on top of another and another and another, on top of each person’s personal baggage that hangs around their neck like an anchor, is trouble.  Good grief, just when I think we are starting some smooth(er) sailing (and I’m eating that snack called denial), trouble pops up.  I’m not sure if there is anything more difficult when one issue between Brad and I encompasses all those piles of problems AND all our own hot button issues.  But that is what we have been facing.  And it’s been very very emotionally taxing on both of us.

So anyway, I have to say that Brad has been really great.  Patient, loving, persevering, open…. these are not qualities that I associate with him in times of turmoil.  Especially when I shut down.  Sometimes I feel like I have to, because it’s just so hard to tolerate all that is coming up inside.  I’m not sure that I could make it in domestic discipline.  Most of the time it was fine, there were things that I didn’t want to do.  Minor things, like get off the computer early or make sure this or that was done.  But then there were things I didn’t want to do, that involved my body, or interfered with my sense of being a whole person.  Sometimes there are things that happen that feel so wrong you can’t ignore them or explain them away.  I don’t think that is how it’s meant to be.  It’s been a process of learning to trust my own sense of what is going on with me, and to also trust myself to hear what other’s have to say and trust my judgement there too.  I can’t live in the land of self doubt as much as I have in the past.  There were things that we fumbled with over and over.  I think we were both trying, trying to just get by any way we could and stay intact.  It’s hard to know sometimes what is the best when one person’s gut is telling them one thing and the other is the opposite.  All that said, I am really proud of Brad, he is truly looking for a win/win for us and I am totally on board with that.  He asked me the other day to write down for him what it was about our conversation that made for such a positive outcome.  Here it is….*  First, the fact that you are willing to work with me to find a win/win solution instead of settling for a win/lose, or worse, a lose/lose.  And since you are willing to be more open it helps me to be more open.  Getting things out in the open was nice.  You being calm helped a lot.  You being nice, helped a lot.  Not feeling trapped and helpless, well, that’s the clincher, I felt like I could breathe again.  I literally felt the weight come off my chest and it opened up my heart to feel love for you again.*

It’s a tricky line to walk.  This person’s feelings, that person’s feelings, should you give begrudgingly if you can’t willingly?  Should you risk waiting until you feel like you know the answer?  What happens in the meantime?  What do you do when you just don’t know what to do?  Thankfully, I think we will be able to work around these.   I know I am being vague, I want to let you know what’s going on, without sharing too much, but I think we will be ok.  If we make it through this I think we will have more true intimacy than we’ve ever had before, I can already feel it.