*wrote this a few days ago
Have you ever watched one of those shows where for whatever reason some people are loading a large cat, like a tiger, into a cage for transport. They can’t knock them out for long because they can’t pant to regulate their body temperature. They are frequently coaxed to go in and then the door slams behind them. They pace, round and round, back and forth. They are agitated and nervous. They growl and show their teeth in an attempt to keep people away.
I’ll come back to that later.
A month ago or so I told Brad that I wanted more from him. Not more spanking, not more control, not more rules. I wanted more intimacy. You know, let’s get back to basics. Now, even I have a hard time defining intimacy, or what it is exactly in words that I want. Nor do I know just how to get there. I know that there have been times when we’ve been closer, and times we have not. But I can’t put together a formula or a couple of exercises to make that happen in a way that is lasting. I have some idea, but at the time we talked I couldn’t say “here’s what you can do”. Anyway, he got mad, he felt attacked, and I was confused as to why someone saying they wanted to feel closer would cause another to be angry. So that made me angry, and this is a little dance we know very well, it was comfortable and familiar.
Then I went on vacation with some friends so we were apart for a week. It gave him time to think, and me time to calm down and forget about home life for a while. While I was gone he read a relationship book, that I gave him, that seems to have inspired him. Since I have been home he’s been very nice, affectionate, supportive, helpful… He’s told me a few things that he wants us to do together and they sound great. He commented on my last post for the first time in …. I don’t know…ever. He set up an email acct and subscribed to my blog. I knew he read occasionally before, but now I don’t feel like this place is mine. I mean, it’s fine, (I know your reading this Brad) but I feel like I’m under a microscope, which is polar opposite from a week ago. He acting totally different. I feel like he is closing in on me. I’m just not used to it. I’ve only been home a day and a half and I am feeling like a tiger in a cage. It’s not that I’m not thankful for this change, I just feel very uncomfortable. Very anxious and a little snarly. I’ve been thinking over and over about why do I this. Why do I hope and wish and ask for certain behaviors and then when they show up I start getting uncomfortable. I hate that about myself. What is wrong with me?
In the case of the tiger being rescued, he is being helped in some way. However, he doesn’t know that. He has no prior history to know that where he is going won’t harm him. I’m not a tiger, or an animal, but I am feeling a little frantic. Last January I put up some walls to keep some people out. Those circumstances that caused that are mostly gone now but I still now have to deal with the aftermath. I’ve been trying. When I was a kid, my dad would appeal to me to take care of my mom emotionally. Back then I thought about how unfair it was that I was being asked to be the adult in the situation when I shouldn’t of had to be. I have that same sort of feeling that I can’t seem to shake free of. I didn’t cause this situation, why do I now how have to clean up the mess it made inside of me. But I guess that is life and we should expect that life is messy. It doesn’t matter what happened, I’m responsible for what happens inside me. Brad is responsible for what happens inside of him. I do know that I am not ready to jump in head first and hand over my trust like it’s not worth anything. It’s been such a rough couple of years. I’m cautious, cautiously optimistic. He’s talking about a relationship overhaul, and that won’t come easy.