And finally the spanking resumes, sort of

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve been through some sort of spanko identity crisis.  Now that Brad is off of the pain meds and back to as much normal as we are going to see for a while,  he and I could go back to domestic discipline if we decide to.  I asked him to think about what it is he wants to see in our relationship a while ago.  I haven’t heard much back yet, and maybe that’s an answer.  Not an “I’m not interested” answer, but an “I don’t know” answer.   

So anyway, even if he did want to go back to dd, I don’t know if I can, or want to.  I’m not sure if I’m really ready for that.  So what about spanking, for fun, for play, and all the other fun stuff there is to do?  For a long time I had to go without, for one circumstance or another he couldn’t give me that kind of attention for quite a while.  Somewhere along the way I lost my taste for it.  My desire fell flat and it’s not made much of a recovery yet.  And believe me, I miss it and want it back.  Brad’s been more interested in sex then I have and the dominant part of him is showing up here and there.  I call on every cell in my body to try and respond but I think I need a little help.

I’ve been spanked twice in the past few months.  No, three times.  The first time fell flat, but was kind of good for us in a way.  He sat in the middle of the bed, I layed over his lap.  This is the position we’ve used, overused, for so long.  But in the past it’s worked so well for us.  He uses a couple paddles, and it’s been so long that I can barely be still.  He either gets frustrated or is just eager to pull out our newer toys.  He puts restraints on my wrists and they are now snugly tucked into the middle of my back.  I tell him I really don’t want them on in a flat voice.  I know it won’t matter, what self respecting top says “oh ok, let me get those off right away then”.  So I am stuck.  He pulls out the crop that he’s been thirsting for since my very first spanking, he finally has in his hands.  He does something else to me that I won’t describe but it never fails to make me immediately feel submissive.  I would’ve loved all this not so long ago but on that night I was feeling fragile and resistant.  I can’t even remember why.  While he is busy with the lower half of my body I start to cry, very quietly.  I think that he thought it was because of the pain.  That may have been part of it but I was so overwhelmed by emotions at the time.  The restraints, the submission, the pain, all of it was pulling my insides out and I actually needed that.  When he saw that I was getting more upset he slowed and stopped.   These are critical times for us… these moments where we connect or we don’t. Our relationship has been strained by so many things the past few years and it’s in no small way been affected by our pasts.  It was a good moment for us because we were able to talk. 

The second spanking was unmemorable and uneventful.  Not very intense, not difficult to get through, but all around ok.  It was fine and probably as much as I wanted at the time.

The third spanking was better.  I was really trying to rally for him.  This time I asked if he would sit on the edge of the bed and let me be over his lap.  There’s just something about that position….  I don’t know how to put it into words.  You get the point.  I’m still trying to get back the excitement I had before.  Writing this post might’ve actually helped  a little.  I’m hoping for some more good spankings in the future…. like tonight.

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5 thoughts on “And finally the spanking resumes, sort of

  1. Serenity says:

    Ally,

    It sounds like you guys really have been through so much lately I imagine it will take a while before you could fully embrace TTWD in your life again. It leaves you so vulnerable and I’m sure your just not ready to feel that right now. But I do hope you can begin to take the steps toward where you want to be with all of this.

    *hugs*
    Serenity

  2. Sara says:

    I think sometimes it really just takes time to get back in the groove, and to lower defenses if walls had been Put up. I hope you keep trying and that it gets better!

  3. Kelly says:

    Im very glad to hear that you are finally on a place where you feel maybe you both can get back to it. Its hard when someone is in a state like he was. It drains everything out of you. You are just starting back up again. Take it slow, take it naturally. What you truly want will reveal itself in time.

    Kelly

  4. Ally, I can completely relate to this. We have had much shorter periods of time where we put things on hold and I have to just contain my desires and hold myself together. The more I understand this, the more I recognize it, but it cannot really be controlled.

    For me, the way you describe the first time back spanking, I felt as though I wanted to let go and wrap myself around the moment but feelings that I crave would give more credence to the fact that I really needed it. I didn’t want to let myself b/c it made the yearning stronger as well and the past lack of felt so sad. It’s as though I suddenly realized how difficult the time period before that was.

    The second time feeling I’ve also had. I didn’t want to give in to the whole experience. It was kind of like defying my desire rather than trying to communicate anything to Henry. I’m glad that you wrote this out so I can see what happened to me. I certainly hope that neither of us has to experience anything remotely like this again though.

    I know from your most recent post that things have gotten so much better for you and Brad. THAT is great news! 🙂

  5. Ally says:

    Serentiy, Sara, Kelly, and Elysia, You are all right, and maybe I haven’t taken into account enough the toll of what we’ve been through. We’ve got to start somewhere, and where we are now is frustrating at times. Thanks for your comments 🙂
    Ally

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