and now a little safeword humor

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don’t make me say it!

There are times when I can be too persevering for my own good.  The other night Brad and I had a little misunderstanding, a painful one for me.  I had sexted with him all day long… stirring the pot for both of us.  We were ready to go by the time the kids fell asleep.  We have two kids whose bedrooms are really close to ours.  I am getting increasingly paranoid about implements that make a lot of noise, and unfortunately it’s quiet ones that hurt the most.  I’d also like to say that like childbirth, after a while you forget how badly some things hurt.  I’d given a thumbs up on the 69¢ yardstick and the wood spoon.

I saw him bring the spoon in, I knew he’s use it at some point.  Still, that first whack is startling.  I almost jumped out of my skin.  I went into panic mode “wait wait wait… let me compose myself, I can’t, it hurts too bad!”   He let me breathe for like 10 seconds and I said “please please please, let me lay on your lap…”  He said ok and it kind of sounded like he felt sorry for me.  I should have worked with that….  I didn’t last too long before I was in freak out mode again.  As a general rule, I don’t cuss, but that thing makes me cuss.  Finally he switched to the yardstick and I was grateful.  It felt great after what I’d just been through, but it didn’t last for very long, I was still pretty squirmy.  He stood up and I asked him if he was done.  He said “yeah, did you still want more?” 

And then I made a very big mistake.  

“Are you giving up on me?” I asked.  I said it kind of teasingly… I didn’t want him to stop altogether just yet, but I certainly didn’t expect him to pick up the spoon again after all the hell I’d raised 5 minutes go.  He grabbed me around the waist and ignored my pleas to use something else.  Oh my, I thought I was going to lose my vision it hurt so much.  In my struggle I blurted this out “I’m going to have to use my safeword!”  But I didn’t use my safeword.  Actually, my safeword is safeword, I figured it would be easy to remember, stop laughing at me.  So technically I did say it, but I don’t think it counts here.  Regardless, two whacks later he let me go.  That is the closest I have ever come to using a safeword.  For some reason I have this stubborn attitude about it.  I really don’t know why, but that will have to change.  This is the third time I can think of that I really should have, for both of us.  It’s not fair to Brad to not let him know when I really need him to stop. 

When we talked about it afterward he told me that he thought I meant that I wanted to him spank me past that panicky feeling.  It was a misunderstanding.  There have been time when I have meant that, times that he’s delivered exactly what I needed.  This time was a learning experience.  I understand why he would think that was what I meant, and I was less than clear.  I’m grateful that he his intentions were good towards me, and I am especially thankful that we were able to talk about it afterward and there was no emotional fallout.

And now for some comic relief –  click on the picture if it’s too small to read

wanting and liking

I am reading a book called “The Geography of Bliss”.  It’s been really interesting to learn about different cultures and their attitudes toward happiness, what they consider happiness, and how it affects their lives.  Something interesting popped up and I thought “wow, this is perfect for all of us out there who wonder why do I want spanking when it hurts so much?”  You probably already have some understanding of why, but here is some science behind it. 

“Neuroscientists have discovered that the parts of the brain that control wanting and the parts that control liking are separate; they operate independently of one another and involve different chemicals.  Neuroscientists know this the way they know everything else about how our brains work: by doing strange and often sadistic things to rats.

In the 1950’s, Canadian researchers planted tiny electrodes inside rat’s brains and electronically stimulated a part of the brain known as the lateral hypothalamus.  The rats loved it.  The scientists then gave the rats tiny rat-sized levers to push that would allow them to stimulate their lateral hypothalamus all by themselves.  The rats loved it even more.  ‘Working for this reward, they [the rats, not the scientists] will ignore sexually receptive members of the opposite sex, food, or even water, in their single-minded quest for the hit, writes Daniel Nettle in his book Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile.

A bit strange, you might thing, but still within the realm of the explainable.  Whatever those electrical currents are doing to the rat’s lateral hypothalamus, it must be something awfully good, something the rats like a lot and therefore will do anything to repeat.

That’s probably what the scientists thought, too, when they devised another experiment.  The stimulated the rats’ hypothalamus while they were eating.  The results were surprising.  The rats ate more food but, judging by their body language, weren’t enjoying it-clear evidence, says Nettle, that ‘you can crave for something very much but take little pleasure in it once you had it.’  Anyone who has ever been hooked on cigarettes or watched Nancy Grace knows this intuitively.

Wanting things we don’t like.     So much of human misery can be explained by this crazy way we’re wired.  We assume that our intense feelings of wanting something- a new car, winning the lottery- means that, once obtained, these things will make us happy.  But that is a connection  that, neurologically speaking, does not exist.” 

I don’t think that spanking is like wanting a car, or winning the lottery, it’s not the same as being materialistic.  I really just wanted to include that paragraph bc it makes the point that wanting doesn’t equal liking.  Kind of the way that pleasure doesn’t always equal satisfaction.  I might tell Brad that I want to be spanked, but in the middle of it, it probably doesn’t appear that way.  I’m becoming an expert at slipping out of his grip when things get heated.  Speaking of that, does anyone else’s husband say “If you don’t get back there right now it’s going to be twice as bad” ?  Ugh…That’s the worst, at that moment it’s the last thing I want.  I’ve never tested to see if he actually means it….

Ok, back to the subject… One point the author makes throughout the book, or at least what I have read so far, is that no matter where you live, relationships are crucial to happiness.  Spanking involves two people (usually) and facilitates connection.  It’s an interactive activity.  It’s not a surprise to me that people will gladly deal with the pain, even crave it (I totally feel like an addict sometimes), just for the resulting benefit. 

So it’s not a perfect comparison, but I thought it was worth repeating.  I hope you found it interesting too.

INTENSITY

I’m an intensity junkie.  There, I said it.  I don’t mean that I want to go cliff diving, jump out of a plane, or jeopardize my life in any way.  I’m an emotional intensity junkie.  It affects the way I watch tv, listen to music, read books, and even the way I want my spankings.  I am strongly drawn to one hour dramas involving love and pain.  I want my music to pull out my feelings, whether it makes me feel really good or really sad, and I like it loud no matter what.  I can’t tolerate boring novels or boring subjects, I want to be in love with the characters or invested in the subject.  Even since I was young I’ve always picked a few friends that I had a strong connection with and built on that.  I did not bother with the girls who didn’t think about anything deeper than what they were wearing.  The paradox is that I’m attracted to those things that pull out the emotions that I’ve buried so deeply. 

I think this is partly why I am drawn to spanking.  Anticipating a spanking, that is for the most part a turn on, very sexual.  Being in the middle of a spanking, well, it becomes something else entirely.  I feel like I go round and round trying to figure out exactly what that is, and it is multiple things, not necessarily the same all at once.   For sure it is something the has the ability to pull forward strong emotions.  I value that because sometimes I don’t even know they are there.   They get stuck inside and my subconscious tries to ignore them.  For instance, we’ve had a couple intense issues with our kids lately.  They’ve been dealt with now and I’m not noticing that I feel stressed about it like I was, but I am grinding my teeth at night, my jaw is tight all day and I have lots of headaches.  So spanking, like exercise, relieves tension, physical and mental stress.  For it to work for me though it requires a certain level of intensity.  I’d rather not be spanked at all than for it not to hit the mark.  If it’s weak, it just leaves me feeling frustrated.  It’s like wrestling with problems and leaving them unresolved.  This is stuff Brad needs to know…

only 69 cents

“Come back to the bedroom, I want to show you something”  my husband says.   I’m in the middle of cleaning the kitchen.  I’m annoyed to be interrupted but he insists.  I follow him to the bedroom, I’m thinking he’s going to ask how to treat a stain on his shirt or something.  I was wrong. 

He starts to close the door and close the curtains, a dead giveaway.  I remind him that I’d previously said I didn’t feel like messing around, not that it would change his mind or anything.

“No, no, it’s not that,” he assures me.  “I just want to show you something………… just go bend over the bed or a second”.  Right….To me this does not sound like showing me something, more like feeling me something.  I protest again and he assures me it’s just for a second.

I did what he asked, my body wasn’t sure if it should relax or brace for something.  Five seconds later I hear a loud smacking sound followed by a definite stinging on my behind.  It made me jump because I wasn’t quite expecting such a sting.  I turn around and see Brad holding a thick and sturdy yardstick and looking very proud of himself. 

“I bought this today, only 69¢!”

 I probably should have congratulated him.

And finally the spanking resumes, sort of

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve been through some sort of spanko identity crisis.  Now that Brad is off of the pain meds and back to as much normal as we are going to see for a while,  he and I could go back to domestic discipline if we decide to.  I asked him to think about what it is he wants to see in our relationship a while ago.  I haven’t heard much back yet, and maybe that’s an answer.  Not an “I’m not interested” answer, but an “I don’t know” answer.   

So anyway, even if he did want to go back to dd, I don’t know if I can, or want to.  I’m not sure if I’m really ready for that.  So what about spanking, for fun, for play, and all the other fun stuff there is to do?  For a long time I had to go without, for one circumstance or another he couldn’t give me that kind of attention for quite a while.  Somewhere along the way I lost my taste for it.  My desire fell flat and it’s not made much of a recovery yet.  And believe me, I miss it and want it back.  Brad’s been more interested in sex then I have and the dominant part of him is showing up here and there.  I call on every cell in my body to try and respond but I think I need a little help.

I’ve been spanked twice in the past few months.  No, three times.  The first time fell flat, but was kind of good for us in a way.  He sat in the middle of the bed, I layed over his lap.  This is the position we’ve used, overused, for so long.  But in the past it’s worked so well for us.  He uses a couple paddles, and it’s been so long that I can barely be still.  He either gets frustrated or is just eager to pull out our newer toys.  He puts restraints on my wrists and they are now snugly tucked into the middle of my back.  I tell him I really don’t want them on in a flat voice.  I know it won’t matter, what self respecting top says “oh ok, let me get those off right away then”.  So I am stuck.  He pulls out the crop that he’s been thirsting for since my very first spanking, he finally has in his hands.  He does something else to me that I won’t describe but it never fails to make me immediately feel submissive.  I would’ve loved all this not so long ago but on that night I was feeling fragile and resistant.  I can’t even remember why.  While he is busy with the lower half of my body I start to cry, very quietly.  I think that he thought it was because of the pain.  That may have been part of it but I was so overwhelmed by emotions at the time.  The restraints, the submission, the pain, all of it was pulling my insides out and I actually needed that.  When he saw that I was getting more upset he slowed and stopped.   These are critical times for us… these moments where we connect or we don’t. Our relationship has been strained by so many things the past few years and it’s in no small way been affected by our pasts.  It was a good moment for us because we were able to talk. 

The second spanking was unmemorable and uneventful.  Not very intense, not difficult to get through, but all around ok.  It was fine and probably as much as I wanted at the time.

The third spanking was better.  I was really trying to rally for him.  This time I asked if he would sit on the edge of the bed and let me be over his lap.  There’s just something about that position….  I don’t know how to put it into words.  You get the point.  I’m still trying to get back the excitement I had before.  Writing this post might’ve actually helped  a little.  I’m hoping for some more good spankings in the future…. like tonight.