Over the weekend

Last night during a talk I told Brad that my “happiness” quotient is strongly connected to how I feel about our relationship.  Specifically how we are getting along, if we are emotionally connected, if we are close.  I didn’t mean that I if all those things aren’t there that I can’t be out with friends having a good time, but that if we are not good then I don’t feel satisfied in general.  To me, that feeling- it means that things are not right and demand a change.  It means focus, attention, time, and effort should be applied until the relationship feels better and at a minimum from then on the relationship still requires maintanance.  But I am girl and regardless, I am pretty focused on my marriage no matter what.  If things are going great….good, let’s build on that.  If  things are going bad…let’s do something about it.  For men…well, I realize this is a generalization and most guys that are reading/writing blogs are probably an exception, but I am told by the experts that men more or less are on auto pilot unless there is a obvious problem. 

I’ve been racked with raging insecurity about our relationship lately.  On our weekend away my mind was wandering and started interpreting his behavior.  He is going through his own stuff now, but the withdrawal is gone and he’s managing to get enough sleep now.  We are still left with all the patterns that were there before though.  He wasn’t very affectionate, he seemed quiet.  I started to wonder if he was going to tell me that he’d found someone else, or that he was leaving.  I don’t know where it came from, I have never worried about that kind of thing.  I wanted to ask him about it, but I just couldn’t.  I questioned myself and my own thoughts and figured that I am just not thinking normally given what’s going on with my grandpa.  It’s affected me in lot of little ways, making me fearful.  Driving through the mountains and seeing the vertical drop next to you, I worried about falling off the mountain.  We did a long hike up a mountain one morning.  Before we started, I was sure we were going to meet up with a bear and that would be the end of us.  At the top if the mountain there is a rock, pretty much a vertical climb, the picture here is it, it’s not my picture but that is the structure.  Anyway, I guess a lot of people climb it, which seems a little crazy to me.  Normally, I am game for this kind of stuff so I started up behind Brad.  I got a quarter of the way up, took my eyes of the rock in front of me. It was a beautiful view but it was lost on me because I turned around to sit down and proceeded to panic.  I really can’t remember a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed.  Needless to say I went back down, but it was really hard to shake that terrible feeling.  I wondered if I was reacting to stuff more than normal because I was thinking about death so much.   

Here is my picture of the mountain we climbed from far away…. I am proud that I made it to the top…it was tough.  Just looking at it, I can’t point to where we started but I know it was a 4 mile hike roundtrip.

Anyway, I did end up telling Brad about the thoughts I was having and he assurred me that I had nothing to worry about.  He’s not going any where, ever.  We do have some repair work to do on our relationship, I am just not sure what I can handle right now. 

Here are a few pictures I took on the trail.  It was so pretty there I thought I would share the view…

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14 thoughts on “Over the weekend

  1. mouse says:

    Ally,

    We all go through times like that where that weird fear just burrows deep and comes out in equally odd ways. It takes time to repair things, but am certain you will…together!

    Hugs,
    mouse

    • Ally says:

      mouse, thanks for the confidence. You know, in my head I know that things have to get better, but everything else going on inside me is overriding common sense right now. I thought over you over the weekend, I lost Brad in Walmart for, I don’t know, maybe a minute. We had just walked in and I turned around for a second and he was gone. I was kind of scary. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me if we were in town, but since we weren’t it was a weird feeling.

  2. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    I love those same mountains, and you have taken beautiful pictures. I know it has been an incredibly long hard road for you. You are one of the strongest, most fearless people i know. Just keep moving.

    • Ally says:

      GG, It was really kind of cleansing hiking upwards, back down was just treacherous… there was a lot of snow and ice on the trail…and I was in running shoes! Looking forward to going back next year though.

  3. Ally, I think that you really need some security now, and half way up a mountain is when I would feel entirely stripped of ANY security. It must have been overwhelming. You’re thoughts were there, your grandpa is not well, and guys are… like you said. Plus, I’ve got to tell you, I can’t do heights now that I’m “older”. It’s weird. It’s a physical thing, and I’m not sure why it happens. I hope now that you’ve had some understanding and assurance from Brad, that you begin feeling better and more secure about the two of you. Hugs from me to you, and I’m saying prayers for grandpa.

    • Ally says:

      Elysia, I think now that I have kids I definately am more cautious about how risky I am. I am feeling more secure now and hopefully things will get better soon.

  4. Kady says:

    Ally,

    You have so much going on and that creates a lot of insecurity in our lives. It leaves fear lurking beneath the surface and manifests itself everywhere we turn. Also, as Elysia, mentioned, things become more intense as we age. I am much more afraid of heights and close quarters. Keep your communication open with Brad so that you can help each other. Alone you are weak, but together you both become strong.

    Hugs,
    Kady

    • Ally says:

      Kady, Thanks, that’s good advice. I’m trying to be more communicative. I said this to elysia too, I think I take less risks now bc I worry about leaving my kids without a mom. So it does make things more intense. And maybe it is some other stuff too.

  5. Judy says:

    I think as we become more submissive, we also depend a lot on our HOH. Things are great when everything is going right, but throw a wrench in the mix, and everything gets confusing at times. Vunerability leads to insecurity sometimes! I know! Hang in there…you will get past this!

    • Ally says:

      Judy, It’s funny that you mention depending on him more. Part of what made me upset when we were up there was Brad really wanted me to make it to the top with him. I felt torn about disappointing him but I was so scared at the same time. He didn’t push me after he saw how freaked out I was, but it was hard for me to deal with that where as in the past I probably wouldn’t have cared nearly as much about what he wanted.

  6. Stormy says:

    What beautiful photos! I am with you, I can only be okay if my relationship is okay. I used to be able to pretend it didn’t matter, but I matured and became more authentic. It’s so good that you told him how you were feeling. 🙂

  7. S says:

    Ally,

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful day in the mountains with us. I have panic attacks when I get too high up as well. I once saw a lady have to be carried off on a stretcher because of one. She laid down, grabbed hold of a rock and refused to let go. You should be proud of your self, that was quite a mountain you climbed.

    I think it’s good that you shared your insecurities with your Husband. You have been through so much lately. It’s important to keep talking.

    *hugs*
    Serenity

  8. Poppy says:

    I am so glad that you are talking, talking is always the start of the answer and, odd as it sounds, I am glad you walking too.
    I think sometimes we need a landscape to express where we are and how we feel about it, we walk it and find something we need.
    I know that sounded odd. I think you just answered a question for me- thank you and sorry to be so cryptic.

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