Opportunity awaits

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post.  I cried after reading every one of them,  not in a bad way, but because it helped me to not feel so alone.  The other morning Brad told me that he was actually able to sleep some, that is good news.  Then after that my Mom called me from half way across the country to say she was at the ER with my grandpa.  He just had surgery and now is back in the hospital with something unrelated.  See what I mean….  It was so weird bc she told me about it so straight-voiced (that’s the equivalent of straight-faced).  The same way you would tell someone you were at the store.  I think she’s just trying not to lose it…. the whole family knows that my grandpa doesn’t really want to be around anymore.

I am struggling with a lot of anger.  It’s way below the surface, but I can feel it down there simmering.  It leaks out in being short with people, I don’t feel like socializing, and everything is a burden.  Such as,  “Do you really need to color?  Great…now the crayons will be all over the table…”   Why do I feel so angry?  I am so frustrated with all the steps backward.  I am frustrated with not having any control of so many things that are affecting my life in big, big ways.  I’m frustrated with our relationship.  I wish that I had the strength to tear away at the barriers between Brad and I.  There have been times when things were better but we’ve mostly been emotionally disconnected since about this time last year and right now the best I can do is to have the desire to have the desire to reconnect.  Did you get that?  I want to want to…  What I really want to do since no one is home right now is take a baseball bat and smash some things.  That would feel good for about 10 seconds…but it wouldn’t be worth it.

I really just want to know what the best way to handle this is… I’m willing to do hard stuff, I’m willing try something new and uncomfortable.  I just want to get back what we had before.  I just don’t know how to navigate around what we have been through.

There is some good news.  The good news is that Brad and I are going away for a long weekend to the mountains.  Opportunity awaits if I can manage to stand up under it…

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6 thoughts on “Opportunity awaits

  1. Mick says:

    Really sorry to hear of your continued difficulties. I hope Brad will get more and more sleep and I’m also glad to hear you’ll be getting away to the mountains soon.

    There are moments when the best anyone can do is hang on and endure–and it turns out that’s a lot. I wonder how better things will look one year from now. Heck, even one week from now, things could be somewhat better.

    I admire your courage

  2. I’m so sorry about your grandfather. So sad, and your mother must be having a difficult time. Pls keep us posted.
    In regards to ttwd, first I had to do one of those, take in a deep breath and let it out really, really slowly after I read your post. I did that b/c I’m about to give you advice and yet I’m in the same place (or at least appears to be similar) and I haven’t even been able to write it down or address it at all. (So you’re ahead of me, but I like to help out sooo…) My husband is actually trying to reconnect with me on a verbal level via e-mail and your blog post (e-mailed to me) preceded yours. Thus my big sigh that this is like that. Like you
    I hate the frustration, and yes I feel like throwing things and releasing energy in a physical way too, but have an awful lot of self control. I think I need to take up running. As in marathons.
    Any how, I’m just so excited that you and Brad are going away and what a perfect time to get back some of what you had or at least some of what you need. So, here’s my advice: (are you ready? 😉 )
    Pick 1-3 things that are really important that you start up/ bring back or begin doing in and for your relationship as a topic of discussion for your time away. Don’t wait until you’re there to mention it to Brad. Tell him now so he can be prepared with his own thoughts.
    I say 1-3 things b/c it depends on how involved those things are. Is it more important that there be one really big thing, or 3 smaller things?
    Now, I’ll sign off this really long comment. I’m going to reply to H’s e-mail and pretty much take my own advice. Good luck and have fun on your trip!

  3. Dear Ally,

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with so much. Isolating yourself for reenergizing is healthy and understandable. When you are feeling that angry it is masking major pain. (fyi I bought a full sized super heavy semi pro fighter’s punching bag to use for baseball bat therapy – so I completely relate) My point – get support for yourself, send up flares, make calls whatever, but try to push to get some face to face contact with someone who can at least provide a physical hug. You HAVE to take care of you, if you don’t… who will? Know you deserve to treat yourself with tenderness, as opposed to questioning or feeling frustrated with your coping skills. Ally, you’ve been coping with so much for such a long time. You are much stronger than you know.

    Let your kids know your feelings have nothing to do with them. They WILL absorb it as somehow their fault. The real truth is that Mom’s do and are allowed to feel all kinds of things *for all kinds of reasons. You will hopefully have less acting out which is bound to be their reaction to your pulling back and being edgey.

    With hopes that you individually find yourselves in the midst of all of this – and that you find and support each other,

    KayLynn

  4. jslittlelady says:

    ally,
    I don’t know how much to say , I don’t want to hi-jack your comment thread. when I read your post I cried for you , really cried. I remember having all those feelings and going through the mental struggle that you’re describing when I buried my twin sons. It drove such a wedge between J and I because he handled it better than I,because he had faith that I didn’t have and It made me angry. I was angry that I wasn’t coping as well as I thought I should and definitely not as well as J was. (what KayLynn said about coping was great advice) I did throw things and break things I was so angry that I even had to go through something like that. I had no desire or energy to ssocialize and it made me angry that people were either going to pity me or expect me to show up to places and put on a smile as if nothing was wrong and the energy that it was going to take to even smille was more than I had. One time I went to church and the emotional and mental strain was so great I felt like I could have physically collapsed. I had to turn around and walk out. J took me home but then I was angry that I hadn’t been able to just be normal.

    my point is though, that everyone handles hardships differently and whatever you’re feeling is ok and it’s NORMAL , even though you may not feel that way.

    What helped me may not help you. It was a deeply spiritual revelation that spoke to my heart and grew my faith to help me through. It took tons of vulnerability and courage but when I told J how I had been feeling and what had been revealed to me and how it changed my thinking and feelings , he just cried and held me and we were able to reconnect and it started us on the path to growth. But it was scarry.

    Communication is vitally important and I like what elysia said. it’s good advice. Especially the part about letting brad know ahead of time. That way he doesn’t feel blind sided. He may have it in his head he’s going to go and chill and not do too much thinking the entire time he’s gone but if you bring issues up out of the blue it could make him feel blind sided. Also

  5. jslittlelady says:

    grrrr…I hit the wrong key. sorry. anyway I was just going to say , If you let him know ahead of time, he can be thinking about his responses and you can have your talk when you get there. (hopefully it will help) and then you two can spend the rest of the time enjoying yourselves and eachother rather than spending the whole time sorthing things out.
    Rome wasn’t built in a day but you’ll be amazed how much brighter things can seem overnight. I pray the dawn finds you soon

  6. Sara says:

    Ally, I do know what it feels like to have life throw you more than you feel can handle, or more than you should have to handle…if only life were fair. Of course, it is not. All I have been able to do to manage is to count my many blessing when I can, and to allow myself the pain when necessary, in order to move towards eventual healing, The feelings are awful but it is all so normal. You will be in my prayers.

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