Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post. I cried after reading every one of them, not in a bad way, but because it helped me to not feel so alone. The other morning Brad told me that he was actually able to sleep some, that is good news. Then after that my Mom called me from half way across the country to say she was at the ER with my grandpa. He just had surgery and now is back in the hospital with something unrelated. See what I mean…. It was so weird bc she told me about it so straight-voiced (that’s the equivalent of straight-faced). The same way you would tell someone you were at the store. I think she’s just trying not to lose it…. the whole family knows that my grandpa doesn’t really want to be around anymore.
I am struggling with a lot of anger. It’s way below the surface, but I can feel it down there simmering. It leaks out in being short with people, I don’t feel like socializing, and everything is a burden. Such as, “Do you really need to color? Great…now the crayons will be all over the table…” Why do I feel so angry? I am so frustrated with all the steps backward. I am frustrated with not having any control of so many things that are affecting my life in big, big ways. I’m frustrated with our relationship. I wish that I had the strength to tear away at the barriers between Brad and I. There have been times when things were better but we’ve mostly been emotionally disconnected since about this time last year and right now the best I can do is to have the desire to have the desire to reconnect. Did you get that? I want to want to… What I really want to do since no one is home right now is take a baseball bat and smash some things. That would feel good for about 10 seconds…but it wouldn’t be worth it.
I really just want to know what the best way to handle this is… I’m willing to do hard stuff, I’m willing try something new and uncomfortable. I just want to get back what we had before. I just don’t know how to navigate around what we have been through.
There is some good news. The good news is that Brad and I are going away for a long weekend to the mountains. Opportunity awaits if I can manage to stand up under it…