Last night during a talk I told Brad that my “happiness” quotient is strongly connected to how I feel about our relationship. Specifically how we are getting along, if we are emotionally connected, if we are close. I didn’t mean that I if all those things aren’t there that I can’t be out with friends having a good time, but that if we are not good then I don’t feel satisfied in general. To me, that feeling- it means that things are not right and demand a change. It means focus, attention, time, and effort should be applied until the relationship feels better and at a minimum from then on the relationship still requires maintanance. But I am girl and regardless, I am pretty focused on my marriage no matter what. If things are going great….good, let’s build on that. If things are going bad…let’s do something about it. For men…well, I realize this is a generalization and most guys that are reading/writing blogs are probably an exception, but I am told by the experts that men more or less are on auto pilot unless there is a obvious problem.
I’ve been racked with raging insecurity about our relationship lately. On our weekend away my mind was wandering and started interpreting his behavior. He is going through his own stuff now, but the withdrawal is gone and he’s managing to get enough sleep now. We are still left with all the patterns that were there before though. He wasn’t very affectionate, he seemed quiet. I started to wonder if he was going to tell me that he’d found someone else, or that he was leaving. I don’t know where it came from, I have never worried about that kind of thing. I wanted to ask him about it, but I just couldn’t. I questioned myself and my own thoughts and figured that I am just not thinking normally given what’s going on with my grandpa. It’s affected me in lot of little ways, making me fearful. Driving through the mountains and seeing the vertical drop next to you, I worried about falling off the mountain. We did a long hike up a mountain one morning. Before we started, I was sure we were going to meet up with a bear and that would be the end of us. At the top if the mountain there is a rock, pretty much a vertical climb, the picture here is it, it’s not my picture but that is the structure. Anyway, I guess a lot of people climb it, which seems a little crazy to me. Normally, I am game for this kind of stuff so I started up behind Brad. I got a quarter of the way up, took my eyes of the rock in front of me. It was a beautiful view but it was lost on me because I turned around to sit down and proceeded to panic. I really can’t remember a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed. Needless to say I went back down, but it was really hard to shake that terrible feeling. I wondered if I was reacting to stuff more than normal because I was thinking about death so much.
Here is my picture of the mountain we climbed from far away…. I am proud that I made it to the top…it was tough. Just looking at it, I can’t point to where we started but I know it was a 4 mile hike roundtrip.
Anyway, I did end up telling Brad about the thoughts I was having and he assurred me that I had nothing to worry about. He’s not going any where, ever. We do have some repair work to do on our relationship, I am just not sure what I can handle right now.
Here are a few pictures I took on the trail. It was so pretty there I thought I would share the view…