Over the weekend

Last night during a talk I told Brad that my “happiness” quotient is strongly connected to how I feel about our relationship.  Specifically how we are getting along, if we are emotionally connected, if we are close.  I didn’t mean that I if all those things aren’t there that I can’t be out with friends having a good time, but that if we are not good then I don’t feel satisfied in general.  To me, that feeling- it means that things are not right and demand a change.  It means focus, attention, time, and effort should be applied until the relationship feels better and at a minimum from then on the relationship still requires maintanance.  But I am girl and regardless, I am pretty focused on my marriage no matter what.  If things are going great….good, let’s build on that.  If  things are going bad…let’s do something about it.  For men…well, I realize this is a generalization and most guys that are reading/writing blogs are probably an exception, but I am told by the experts that men more or less are on auto pilot unless there is a obvious problem. 

I’ve been racked with raging insecurity about our relationship lately.  On our weekend away my mind was wandering and started interpreting his behavior.  He is going through his own stuff now, but the withdrawal is gone and he’s managing to get enough sleep now.  We are still left with all the patterns that were there before though.  He wasn’t very affectionate, he seemed quiet.  I started to wonder if he was going to tell me that he’d found someone else, or that he was leaving.  I don’t know where it came from, I have never worried about that kind of thing.  I wanted to ask him about it, but I just couldn’t.  I questioned myself and my own thoughts and figured that I am just not thinking normally given what’s going on with my grandpa.  It’s affected me in lot of little ways, making me fearful.  Driving through the mountains and seeing the vertical drop next to you, I worried about falling off the mountain.  We did a long hike up a mountain one morning.  Before we started, I was sure we were going to meet up with a bear and that would be the end of us.  At the top if the mountain there is a rock, pretty much a vertical climb, the picture here is it, it’s not my picture but that is the structure.  Anyway, I guess a lot of people climb it, which seems a little crazy to me.  Normally, I am game for this kind of stuff so I started up behind Brad.  I got a quarter of the way up, took my eyes of the rock in front of me. It was a beautiful view but it was lost on me because I turned around to sit down and proceeded to panic.  I really can’t remember a time in my life where I felt so overwhelmed.  Needless to say I went back down, but it was really hard to shake that terrible feeling.  I wondered if I was reacting to stuff more than normal because I was thinking about death so much.   

Here is my picture of the mountain we climbed from far away…. I am proud that I made it to the top…it was tough.  Just looking at it, I can’t point to where we started but I know it was a 4 mile hike roundtrip.

Anyway, I did end up telling Brad about the thoughts I was having and he assurred me that I had nothing to worry about.  He’s not going any where, ever.  We do have some repair work to do on our relationship, I am just not sure what I can handle right now. 

Here are a few pictures I took on the trail.  It was so pretty there I thought I would share the view…

this really sucks

Something I am very bad at is letting the people in my life in when things are bad.  My best friend is great, I can talk to her, but she is out of town right now.  I keep searching my mind but I really only want my own company.  If Brad were home, I wouldn’t mind his.   Thank you again, for the special comments left yesterday.  It’s such a blessing to have all your support, and at this time it’s the most accessible kind to me. 

My Dad called me last night.  Immediately I was suspicious, but I thought maybe he was just checking in since my mom is gone.  I could tell by the way he was tiptoeing  around words, carefully navigating with odd questions, that bad news was coming.  Then he tells me they took care of the internal bleeding (Grandpa’s) at the hospital.  I think he’s home now, I don’t remember.  Then he asks if I knew they were doing a biopsy on the tumor (which I was told was benign) that was removed earlier this week.  And then I knew…  He has an aggressive form of melanoma and has decided not to treat it.  I wouldn’t expect him to, he’s almost 90.  But good news, he’s in great spirits.  I tried to hold it together but I couldn’t, I walked out to the family room and tossed the phone to Brad so I could go back to my room and have a break down while I finished folding laundry.  This is my last living grandparent, my favorite grandparent.  I don’t even know what else to say.  I cried so hard and I started having this weird pressure/pain in the back of my head.  Brad came in and sat with me for a while.  He tried to be comforting, and he was, as much as was possible for me.  My head started to feel better, I calmed down and went to bed.  I guess this is part of life, I knew this time would come, it just came at a really bad time.

So here’s a message to the universe….That is it!  Do not throw anything else my way!

Opportunity awaits

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my last post.  I cried after reading every one of them,  not in a bad way, but because it helped me to not feel so alone.  The other morning Brad told me that he was actually able to sleep some, that is good news.  Then after that my Mom called me from half way across the country to say she was at the ER with my grandpa.  He just had surgery and now is back in the hospital with something unrelated.  See what I mean….  It was so weird bc she told me about it so straight-voiced (that’s the equivalent of straight-faced).  The same way you would tell someone you were at the store.  I think she’s just trying not to lose it…. the whole family knows that my grandpa doesn’t really want to be around anymore.

I am struggling with a lot of anger.  It’s way below the surface, but I can feel it down there simmering.  It leaks out in being short with people, I don’t feel like socializing, and everything is a burden.  Such as,  “Do you really need to color?  Great…now the crayons will be all over the table…”   Why do I feel so angry?  I am so frustrated with all the steps backward.  I am frustrated with not having any control of so many things that are affecting my life in big, big ways.  I’m frustrated with our relationship.  I wish that I had the strength to tear away at the barriers between Brad and I.  There have been times when things were better but we’ve mostly been emotionally disconnected since about this time last year and right now the best I can do is to have the desire to have the desire to reconnect.  Did you get that?  I want to want to…  What I really want to do since no one is home right now is take a baseball bat and smash some things.  That would feel good for about 10 seconds…but it wouldn’t be worth it.

I really just want to know what the best way to handle this is… I’m willing to do hard stuff, I’m willing try something new and uncomfortable.  I just want to get back what we had before.  I just don’t know how to navigate around what we have been through.

There is some good news.  The good news is that Brad and I are going away for a long weekend to the mountains.  Opportunity awaits if I can manage to stand up under it…

my arm hurts

 Sometimes I feel like God has a grip on my arm and is squeezing it and asking, does it hurt yet? can you take this much?  How about this much?  Squeezing harder…. can you take this much?  Don’t close your eyes cause I got something else for you!  Squeezing harder still…

Sooo…I know God isn’t out to get me.  Really.  I’m sure there is some amazing lesson to learn and I just can’t see it yet.  And there are a lot of other people out there in much worse circumstances than myself.  I shouldn’t whine.  And things are shakily on their way to getting better, maybe.  That’s the problem… I just don’t know where things are going bc very little of it is about my choices.  Brad is dealing with some major drug withdrawal, trying to get off pain pills altogether.  What does this look like at our house?  Well, he has barely slept in over a week.  And I mean there are nights when he is not sleeping at all.  He’s exhausted, worn down physically and emotionally.  All this is wearing on me too.  I am unsure when things will get better, if they will get better… and then what?   Never in a million years did I think this would be an issue in our lives.  The silver lining right now is that so far his back pain seems managable.  He just can’t sleep. 

So I am struggling with it all.  I’m struggling with my emotions.  I don’t want to shut down but I also feel like I’m being consumed by all that I am feeling.  I need some relief…. because my arm hurts.