Friday Quote – people change

 

“You see somebody that you’ve known, and you think they are continous.  You think they are one whole thing, but the truth is that they are a great swarm of processes holding themselves in equalibrium, and at various times in their lives, they may assume ideas, positions that are opposite of what they thought before, but they are the same person.”     – Diane Ackerman

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Food, food, and more food

I am on a roll these days in the kitchen and having so much fun.  I mostly got started because my daughter likes to watch the cooking channels instead of cartoons.  She also will not let me cook alone which can be at time just a little bit annoying.  Anyway, I’ve embraced it and now we have accomplished making soft pretzels that are almost exactly like those yummy ones you can get at the mall (depending on where you live I suppose).  We’ve improved some chicken recipes and made an out of this world brisket with homemade spicy sweet BBQ sauce.  Last night we made roast beef with spicy parsley tomato sauce (amazing!) and chocolate molten lava cake.   The chocolate cake was Brad’s favorite.  Today I suggested to my daughter that we make a loaf of bread, maybe go low fat and try croissants.  Also, one of our favorite desserts is chess pie.  Might have to save that for next week though… still have chocolate cake in the fridge.   I’m gaining a lot of confidence in the kitchen to do new things.  There is something about the cooking shows that just makes you want to try it yourself.

As for spanking…. yep, got one last night and it was awesome.  Brad seems to really enjoy watching me jump when using the dowel rod.  I’d say I hate ’cause it really hurts but it stings so bad that it makes me laugh while I’m trying not to get away.  He also has this thin plastic paddle that kills me.  I don’t even know where it came from.  That thing is the worst!  

Gotta run, I’m being badgered about making bread, have a good day everybody!

the dry spell ends

I don’t even know where to begin…. Monday I started a post about being in a rut.  No spanking here, for a very long time.  Sure there have been a couple 2-3 minute long swatting sessions right before sex.   But no real, connecting, uncomfortable, physically, mentally and emotionally challenging spanking in a LONG time.  There have been a lot of different barriers to this happening.  I’ve been patient for the most part and finally the dry spell is over! 

I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted it to shatter my walls, pull me to the ground, and take some weight off.  I wanted it to be everything I needed and then some.  I didn’t really know what that would look like, what exactly I needed, but I DID know that I was afraid it would fall short.  That he would stop too soon, that it wouldn’t be enough, that I would be disappointed.  I agree, those are some high expectations for a spanking.  I knew that and I was in a dangerous spot, but there was nowhere else to go but move through it.

The closer we got to when we would be able to go back and start the more I didn’t want to take the risk of disappointment.  That’s just how I am, but I forced myself to not try and wiggle out of it.  Finally Brad told me we were going back to bed so I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  When I walked into the bedroom I saw that he’s laid out a number of things including the (attention-getting) dowel rod.  In an ironic way, that helped ease my fears.  He was showing up with the big guns.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence he told me to assume the position, over his lap.  I was still fully clothed when I heard and then felt the swish of the dowel rod.  I was surprised that he would start this way, I practically jumped of the bed.  He basically told me to be quiet, so I settled in determined enjoy all this.  Not long after all my clothes came off, along with that my nerves/emotions were quickly rising to the surface.  I had so many thoughts and so many feelings swirling around in me that I was having trouble staying present.  I started to cry a little, I was overwhelmed, relieved, and nervous all at the same time.  It was a strange feeling, Brad noticed but he wisely let me leak out the tension while he continued to do his thing.  I was grateful for that.  He started using the paddles, and sometimes the dowel rod.  It was starting to really sting and I was losing control of being still.  I was very surprised that he chose to (and was already prepared to) tie my wrists together behind me and tie my legs up so I would no longer get in his way or slide off his lap.  The last time he did that I had a really hard time with it.  This time it was scary but I think I handled it gracefully.

In the end I was not disappointed, far from it.  Only left wanting some more….  🙂

The day that came undone

I can’t fully admit to being like the person in this link (that I have provided) but…(sigh).  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult  (Go ahead and read it, it’s hilarious,  just don’t forget to come back.  You will have to cut and paste it into your address bar and add .html   Sorry, I know that is a pain but I do this to avoid attracting unwanted attention to our community bc you all know how fun that is…)

Today I was going to do all the laundry, wash, dry, fold, and put away.  I was also going to empty all the waste baskets and take the cans to the corner.  I don’t have to do that but I like to get it done before Brad gets home so that he doesn’t because Mondays at work suck enough.  I wanted to mop the kitchen floor, vacuum the steps, and have dinner ready to go in the oven.  Ahhhh… points for good intentions?  I doubt it.

Instead I was online until 10: 30ish.  Then I got recruited by my 5 yr old for some easy bake oven projects.  Then my SIL called and asked could we join them for some lunch.  I told them I couldn’t, sadly I hadn’t even showered yet.  That’s ok, they said, we’ll wait…. So I managed to shower and get to the restaurant in record time.  All along I am thinking, I can still accomplish everything when I get home.  I was slightly distracted by Target.  On my way home I noticed the gas tank was dangerously low so I took a 15 minute detour for gas, then picked up my son from school.  Came home, put laundry in the dryer and a new load in the wash, folded one load of clothes.  Yay, I DID accomplish something!  Not really that proud though…. Since then I’ve read 20 or so blog posts and now I’m writing one.  Ok, I have 30 minutes til Brad gets home, see ya!

don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop

My third personal mission statement point comes courtesy of CD.   A long time ago I commented on one of her posts  and she offered a bit of encouragement that started in the form of  “don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop…”  It’s really stuck with me and I smile every time I think of it.  While we were talking about the evolution of a spanking in a relationship I can’t tell you how many times her simple words have played over in my head for all sorts of situations.  I tend to get fired up about things whether it’s wanting to change habits, improve skills, or whatever.  Eventually I will either get distracted, get discouraged, get tired, or get depressed, and want to give up.  I’ve restarted the same projects and goals a few times just since I’ve started this blog.  When that has happened I’ve started again, picked up where I’ve left off, and yes, reminded myself “don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop”.  I’ve not regretted it yet. 

It also applies to the heart.  This past month, January, was hell.  My heart was broken more than once, I thought some very bad things might have to take place.  I wanted so badly to say “screw it” and just shut down emotionally.  I didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, but I told myself to remember that I wanted even the hard times, especially the hard times, to count for something.  I didn’t want to waste it.  You can’t shut down and move forward at the same time.  Instead of stopping in my tracks, quitting, I talked with friends and got support, found a new therapist and got support, and the load became lighter.  “Don’t stop”  means more to me than simply “don’t give up”.  It means “don’t stop (you have to keep trying, don’t stop (seriously, it will get better), don’t stop (you can’t quit because if you do you’ll never get where you want to go)”.  I love that it’s repeated three times, it makes a difference.  To me it carries a strong dose of hope, the promise of something better if I can just keep moving and not give up.

I’m back and I’ve missed you!

Hey all,  I heard this song for the first time the other day on the radio and fell in love with it.  It ties in nicely with my next point, or statement, or whatever, I’m still not sure what to call this list.  #3 will be next.   I just wanted to share the song with you in case you are a music freak like me.  I hope that I will be posting soon, I am working on trying to be “fine” (as the song says).   The last month has been difficult but it’s been helpful to step away and clear my head.  I feel better and circumstances are improving.  I’m feeling ambivalent about D/s or whatever it is we do, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.  It’s been absent from our lives for a good month or so….Mostly because there have been far more important issues on the table.  I’m miss the pull of it, the fun and enjoyment of it, so I am hoping to get that part of me back in order.  We shall see…..