it’s progress

 Hey everybody, I started this post last week, it’s just taken me this long to get it done.  

Something happened last night, it reminded me of the incident from a few weeks ago that I overreacted to.  It’s the first time that we’ve had sex since then.  I was feeling a tiny bit nervous to start but I was really ready to get back in the swing of things again.  Not even 3 minutes into it Brad starts doing something that I don’t really enjoy but he does.  He inadvertently did something that really hurt, and not in a good way, it surprised me.  “omg, that really hurt!” and he says “what? I was just _________”  (sorry, leaving that detail out).  We both paused, I saw it in his eyes, he was about to do it again.  I made a move to block him when he started, but he had a death grip on my wrists.  I couldn’t move anything but I turned my head.  I don’t even remember what I was thinking, a flood of emotion passed through me, probably that panic I was talking about.  In an instant I started to cry, hard.  Brad immediately let go and pulled me into his chest.  In the middle of my broken sobs, somewhere in the recesses of my mind I was thinking that in light of recent events things were now going to come to a grinding halt.  I thought he was going to stop everything just to be safe, and I didn’t really want that to happen.  I didn’t want to be crying, it just happened in a moment of fear and frustration.  I was mad at myself for being so emotional.  I was disappointed because we needed this reconnection time badly.  Brad held me and rubbed my back and said “your ok”.   In the past, I would have been angry and pushed him away, refused to talk.  I would have been personally offended and believed that he did it on purpose.  I thought of these things in a matter of seconds, and just as quickly I made a conscious choice to turn towards him instead of away.  To accept comfort and put myself in his care.  We were laying in bed face to face and as my crying started to ease up, he surprised me again.  He moved over a little and pulled me over so I was laying on my stomach.  I knew where this was going… I thought “really? this is how he’s going to handle this? I’m upset and he’s going to spank me?”  I was a bit shocked but as I said, I’d decided to let him handle it so I just went with it.  I knew that even if I didn’t feel like being spanked I could accept it.  After about 20 seconds it all started to make sense… I don’t know if it was his intention, but surely he’s observed after all these times what happens when he spanks me.  All those times where he would go back and forth, spanking, then massage, over and over, had conditioned my response to be spanking=relaxation.  Uncomfortable stuff he does to me + spanking=relaxation.  We’ve repeated these patterns many times and apparently it has payed off.  I could feel my muscles relaxing, my body melting into the bed.  I could feel my mind calming, no longer preparing for questions of what to do now.  It was a relief to have the situation go so well.   We were able to move on and continue from there.  

I’m proud of him for handling it so well, and if it wasn’t done intentionally, then his instincts were good.  I’m proud of me for chosing to turn towards him instead of away.  If either of us had done any differently the end result would not have been the same.  One small step forward…   😉

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3 thoughts on “it’s progress

  1. Greengirl says:

    Ally,
    I’m really happy to hear you are reconnecting. And more than that, each being able to push beyond your usual way of reacting to things.

  2. Ally says:

    Thanks greengirl, it definately felt different. I hope that we continue pushing.

  3. Malcolm says:

    Good that you made that effort

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