Gates of Change

“No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be  opened from the inside.  We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.”  Marilyn Ferguson

Your probably going to see me talk about some different things for a while.  Now that I am feeling better I feel like I can tackle some things that I’ve been wanting to.  I don’t have a whole plan yet and I am working on that still.  A week or two ago I was in the grips of depression, and I hate to beat a dead horse, but it’s REALLY hard.  Have you ever felt hopeless in your life?  That’s a simplistic way of describing what depression feels like for me and during I feel out of control of it.  Anyway, during this time I over reacted to an incident.  It was a valid complaint, but looking back now my emotional reaction was way out of balance.  In the moment, the pain feels very real and my reaction feels very right.  Almost panic.  Well yeah, it’s panic.  

As I said, much better now, but as a result we (I) needed a break from all D/s stuff, spanking, I needed some distance and space to work things out in my mind and heart…. so it’s been a few weeks.  When I start to get the feeling that Brad doesn’t really care about me, that is when control stuff scares the hell out of me.  I know that he cares about me, but like a said, panic.  This is tough stuff but I think I am ready to ease our way back into “normal” but it will take some work because I’ve set us back a few steps.  I know next time how to handle something similar with way less emotional upheaval or avoid it all together. 

I also have a few things I need to take care of for me.  Your probably going to hear a lot about it.  I want to have myself in writing.  I want to journal my insides out until I’m satisfied and then the goal is to be Ally.  To be me and not who anyone else wants me to be but at the same time open myself up to change.  This is probably going to take a while.   The next one is for another post…

Really want to avoid what’s going on in this picture….


6 thoughts on “Gates of Change

  1. Ally, I’m sorry that you’ve had so much to deal with, and that you haven’t felt like yourself. The panic that you feel must be really scary. Good for you for acknowledging it, and addressing it. It seems like a great idea to have a plan in place for next time. Have I felt that way? Was that rhetorical? Well, I have, just in case you’d like company. 🙂 Very unpleasant.
    I really like your quote above. I would say that it’s good advice for tops, but I don’t think that we want them giving in to too many emotional appeals. Well, it depends what kind.
    It’s so true though, we can only change ourselves. And that comes from within, and by our own choice.
    Writing helps me too. I’m sure that you are on your way to a enlightening journey. Bon Voyage! 🙂

  2. KayLynn says:

    It is being vulnerable to ourselves that hurts the most – but promises the most change. Be proud of yourself. This is the undertones of strength to pass along to your children and set examples for our often times defensive husbands.

  3. Mick says:

    You know, the title of your blog really fits for your content, whether it be about DD or the struggles that you’re going through now. It takes courage to face the pain in your life. I know you can do it successfully.

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