I’m not sure why I do this to myself… I am always so brave during the day, I starting thinking of (seemingly) fun ideas, things that he could do with me, things that I could do for him. Things that might be over my head or beyond what I can handle. And then I email them to him in anticipation, and in haste. Once I send it, I can’t take it back. That’s part of the appeal, I know if I wait until he gets home to tell him I will chicken out. Common sense will overrule my desire if he is too close.
I did this very stupid thing yesterday, except this time he was home watching football and I was in the bedroom hanging out with my laptop. I let my ambition get the better of me, and my memory failed me. My memory of certain implements that cause an unscalable level of burning pain. Well, I did send that email, and I totally asked for it. And I have to give him credit, he delivered. He delivered to the point where I think it was hurting him too. I almost fell off the bed trying to crawl away. If it didn’t hurt so bad I would have been laughing. He stopped because I was breathing so hard and starting to shake. Ahhh, good times…. He kept asking if I was ok, and I was just fine. I want him to know that it’s the intensity that accesses my deepest emotions, that pulls me out. I always feel this rush of emotions before, during, and after I get paniced because it’s hurting so much. Almost always positive emotions afterward. It’s odd to me that I feel closer, I feel needy, I feel… grateful(?).
I’ve thought about why does something usually thought of as negative, like pain, make me feel such nice things afterward. Why do I ask for it, why do I want him to spank me even when I don’t want him to spank me? I heard someone on tv talking about fetishes the other night. A woman, I’m assuming she was some sort of expert or professional, was saying that fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin, and work together powerfully. When connected with a sexual stimuli there is a powerful connection. I was curious about it so I looked online just to see what would come up and found an old article about the psychology of pain and the sexual response. I especially connected with the statements I quoted below:
“By what process does pain or its mental representation thus act as a sexual stimulant?… Pain acts as a sexual stimulant because it is the most powerful of all methods for arousing emotion.”
“It is owing to this stimulating action that discomfort, even pain, may be welcomed on account of the emotional waves they call up, because they ‘lash into movement the dreary calm of the sea’s soul,’ and produce that alternation of pain and enjoyment”
“In the same way, he observes, even surprise and shock may also be pleasurable, and fear, though the most depressing of emotional states, by virtue of the joy produced by strong stimuli is felt as attractive; we not only experience an impulse of pleasure in dominating our environment, but also have pleasure in being dominated and rendered helpless by a higher power.”
(you can find what I read at this link http://www.psyplexus.com/ellis/38.htm)
I would agree, and for me I think that I do thrive (a little bit?) on the fear of what’s coming. (A very specific type of pain though. I don’t look forward blood texts, scrapes, or stepping barefoot on legos.) If it weren’t for the butterflies and the nervousness that I get before a play session or a spanking, I am not sure that it would be exciting, or as satisfying. That is why I like him being dominant, loss of control is scary, but I trust him enough to not purposely harm me so the fear is not so overwhelming that I can’t handle it. Submission is satisfying because it’s an internal stuggle, it’s an ongoing mental and emotional challenge. Because honestly, 33% of me is thinking “what are you doing??? are you crazy???”. Spanking brings all of these things together, and it doesn’t matter what kind of spanking. Every spanking is different, brings different results, creates different challenges. And hopefully that is why it will never be boring.
That must be why I do this to myself….