Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey everybody, I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve had another obligation that takes up a lot of my time.  I’ve been trying to keep up with you all by reading in the evenings, but that’s about all I can manage.   Honestly, I don’t really have anything to talk about right now, my mind is elsewhere.  Everything is fine here, we are looking forward to tomorrow and hanging out with our extended family.   I hope you all (that will be celebrating)  have a wonderful holiday.  Happy Thanksgiving!

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Fear, excitement, and pain

I’m not sure why I do this to myself… I am always so brave during the day, I starting thinking of (seemingly) fun ideas, things that he could do with me, things that I could do for him.  Things that might be over my head or beyond what I can handle.  And then I email them to him in anticipation, and in haste.  Once I send it, I can’t take it back.  That’s part of the appeal, I know if I wait until he gets home to tell him I will chicken out.  Common sense will overrule my desire if he is too close.  

I did this very stupid thing yesterday, except this time he was home watching football and I was in the bedroom hanging out with my laptop.  I let my ambition get the better of me, and my memory failed me.  My memory of certain implements that cause an unscalable level of burning pain.  Well, I did send that email, and I totally asked for it. And I have to give him credit, he delivered.  He delivered to the point where I think it was hurting him too.  I almost fell off the bed trying to crawl away.  If it didn’t hurt so bad I would have been laughing.  He stopped because I was breathing so hard and starting to shake.  Ahhh, good times….    He kept asking if I was ok, and I was just fine.  I want him to know that it’s the intensity that accesses my deepest emotions, that pulls me out.  I always feel this rush of emotions before, during, and after I get paniced because it’s hurting so much.  Almost always positive emotions afterward.  It’s odd to me that I feel closer, I feel needy, I feel… grateful(?).  

I’ve thought about why does something usually thought of as negative, like pain, make me feel such nice things afterward.  Why do I ask for it, why do I want him to spank me even when I don’t want him to spank me?  I heard someone on tv talking about fetishes the other night.  A woman, I’m assuming she was some sort of expert or professional, was saying that fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin, and work together powerfully.  When connected with a sexual stimuli there is a powerful connection.  I was curious about it so I looked online just to see what would come up and found an old article about the psychology of pain and the sexual response.  I especially connected with the statements I quoted below:

“By what process does pain or its mental representation thus act as a sexual stimulant?…  Pain acts as a sexual stimulant because it is the most powerful of all methods for arousing emotion.”

“It is owing to this stimulating action that discomfort, even pain, may be welcomed on account of the emotional waves they call up, because they ‘lash into movement the dreary calm of the sea’s soul,’ and produce that alternation of pain and enjoyment”

“In the same way, he observes, even surprise and shock may also be pleasurable, and fear, though the most depressing of emotional states, by virtue of the joy produced by strong stimuli is felt as attractive; we not only experience an impulse of pleasure in dominating our environment, but also have pleasure in being dominated and rendered helpless by a higher power.”

(you can find what I read at this link http://www.psyplexus.com/ellis/38.htm)

I would agree, and for me I think that I do thrive (a little bit?) on the fear of what’s coming. (A very specific type of pain though.  I don’t look forward blood texts, scrapes, or stepping barefoot on legos.)  If it weren’t for the butterflies and the nervousness that I get before a play session or a spanking, I am not sure that it would be exciting, or as satisfying.  That is why I like him being dominant, loss of control is scary, but I trust him enough to not purposely harm me so the fear is not so overwhelming that I can’t handle it.  Submission is satisfying because it’s an internal stuggle, it’s an ongoing mental and emotional challenge.  Because honestly, 33% of me is thinking “what are you doing??? are you crazy???”.   Spanking brings all of these things together, and it doesn’t matter what kind of spanking.  Every spanking is different, brings different results, creates different challenges.  And hopefully that is why it will never be boring.

That must be why I do this to myself….

my three year struggle and the final solution

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately.  I had a bad week last week but I’m feeling much better now, and can I just say brain chemistry is amazing.  I think if I could go back to school I’d concentrate on bio psy.  I know without a doubt, by being aware of what is going on with me, that my body left on its own doesn’t regulate dopamine well.  With help, I can be an upbeat, energetic, a more open and willing to participate in life, kind of person.  Just to warn you, I am going to go off on a tangent about medication and health, skip this one if you’re not interested.  There will be no spanking in this post, sorry.

For three plus years I’ve taken wellbutrin xl for depression.  Depression is such a general term but basically life was feeling like a weight I couldn’t carry.  Making my son’s lunch for school everyday… you may as well have been asking me to pick up the house and throw it.  It was a hard and stressful time.  So anyway, I saw a therapist, made some lifestyle changes to help deal with stress, and eventually started taking wellbutrin xl.  It has worked very well for me.  BUT, as my doctor says, “medication is just poison with helpful side effects”.  About 6 months after I started taking it I started to lose lots of hair.  I complained to multiple doctors, and said, “well, I can’t tell, you look fine to me”.  No, you can’t tell from just looking at me, but I am telling you, I lost at least half of my hair.  Probably more.  It was flat, lifeless, and clogging up my shower drain every morning.  It was very upsetting for me.  If you google wellbutrin and hair loss you will find hundreds and thousands of people who have had the same reaction.  Most of them don’t stick with it.  I did all kinds of things to combat this… I didn’t want to give up on the medication.  Bought vitamins, supplements, special shampoo.  Everything I could think of… I researched and researched online, looking for a solution.  I couldn’t find anything useful.  And then I researched some more just trying to figure out what in the medication was causing me body to react this way.  Then came the coumadin, which also can cause hair loss.  Yes, thank you drug companies. 

During this time Brad was also doing his own searching and I’ve talked about a fraction of the things he’s tried.  One of these things I picked up, out of curiosity to see what it could do for me, was the apple cider vinegar.  Also, Brad bought some test strips to see if his body pH was balanced, so I did too.  I’d never even thought (or been aware really) of body pH levels.  I had no knowledge of what it meant for me whether I was acidic or alkaline or where I was supposed to be (it’s good to be slightly alkaline).  So I did the test and much to my dismay it said my body was very very acidic.  As low as you can go, and I landed right  there where it’s marked “dangerous acidic pH range”.  After I did a little reading on it, it turn out if your body is too acidic 1. you have a hard time absorbing vitamins 2. your body is subject to lots and lots of health issues 3. you have weight gain or loss issues  4. sleeping problems 5. headaches 6. joint pain … I could go on and on, but you get the point.  Turns out that most medications are very acidic in your body, wellbutrin seems to have super powers in mine.  I started taking lots of apple cider vinegar (it’s great for balancing pH), 2 TBS 3x’s day.  I cut out a lot of sugar (sugar-acidic), cut back on the greek yogurt and granola that had become my staple (dairy and grains-acidic), cut back on meat temporarily (meat-acidic), started eating more fruit and once I was off the coumadin I could start eating more greens.  It took me about a week to get normal range pH levels.  I started taking mega doses of biotin, zinc, and silica, now that my body was actually going to absorb them.  It worked people, I’m telling you it’s such a relief to have finally found a solution to something that was bring me so much daily stress for such a long time.  (Also, stress-causes acidity in the body).  I never once saw anybody with my same problem say ANYTHING about blood pH or acidity.  I wanted to put this out here in case anyone else is dealing with similar issues, it’s truly distressing to feel like you need a medication that is also causing such a problem.  I can’t say that it will work for everyone, only that it worked for me.  (It’s important to mention that I also made sure that all my doctors were aware of everything I am taking to avoid any interaction problems, you should too.)

Look at this:

Healthy blood

Acidic blood

 

Ummm… hello, blood clot.  

And I was eating things that I considered fairly healthy.  Low fat dairy, whole grains, lean meat, and I did eat fruits and vegetables.  I just wasn’t able to eat enough to balance it all out.  To see these pictures or learn more, here is the address www.healthchanneltoday.com/nutri_01.html

And there is your health lesson for the day, your welcome 🙂