It was an interesting weekend for Brad and I. Since last Wed night Brad went off of one pain killer and on to a less effective one. He is trying to get off them all together. He didn’t expect the withdrawal that he was going to experience, the worst of it being not being able to sleep. This out of control feeling for him, it makes him feel particularly vulnerable, he constantly wavers in his mind about what he should be doing, how he should be doing it. I feel for him, I know what it’s like to get off of a drug that you feel dependant on and what some of those physical symptoms do to you. He asked me for a lot of help and support this weekend, which I am all too happy to give him. It’s a mixed bag of feelings though, I am so happy to see him getting away from painkillers, it’s nice to hear him opening up more to me about what he is going through, but hard to see him so miserable at the same time. No one looks good after being awake and anxious for 48 hours. The third night he finally got some much needed sleep.
There were a few big moments this weekend during all this craziness. Friday night I made him a hot bath to soak in so he could relax. I sat in the bathroom and talked to him during this time and he said two very important things that were music to my ears.
“I am definitely more aware of what is going on in the house now” and
“my brain feels so much more awake, I don’t feel so zoned out anymore”
What was it about these statements that were so important? First I thought, “Yes! I am NOT crazy…” There have been times that I’ve wondered about what happened to the person that I married. It was still him, but he’s been a very muted version of himself. It amazes me sometimes that we were able to start ttwd last year. In some ways I think that it kept him going in that he had something else in his life other than the health issue he was dealing with. Regardless, painkillers were affecting the whole family’s quality of life and I am glad to see them go. It gives me a lot of hope in some areas. It’s really difficult, and probably stupid, to fully trust someone hooked on pain meds. Him giving them up eases some of my trust concerns. That could be a whole post on it’s own, but I’m not going to write about that now.
Depending on your perspective, painkillers can be a blessing or a curse for sex. At first it was really fun to be having sex for 30-40 minutes at a time. However, the human body, or at least mine, was not designed to have sex for that long. It becomes painful and exhausting for both of us, not that it kept us from still doing it. Needless to say we had a nice weekend with lots of quickie sex. He’s very lucky that all the sexual energy that was missing in my 20’s is overflowing now.
I also got the spanking I was hoping for Sat. night, although my pain tolerance is still making me feel like such a wimp. It’s hard to be satisfied when you’ve had enough in under 3 minutes. I’ve tried to talk to Brad about warm ups but as most of you know if you mention a warm up right before your guy is starting it’s not typically well received. It’s ok, it’s just going to take more practice. I can handle that…