Since it’s been a year it might be a good time to take stock of where I am now. Quite a bit more spanking experienced than I was a year ago, and happily so. I’m still in this weird place of not being sure of what I want most of the time. I didn’t start that way. I started as a spanking starved maniac who couldn’t get enough and was there for a while. Then there were lulls in the need/want and now a bit of spanking multiple personalities. They seem to pop up whenever they feel like it and sometimes they are playing musical chairs. There are days when Brad is at work and all I can think about is spanking and can’t wait for night to come, and I think I’d even not mind the wood spoon coming out. In my mind for a moment the wood spoon is a source of pleasure. Ha ha ha… Then night comes, the kids are asleep and all of sudden I am tired, I wouldn’t dream of mentioning anything about a spoon, nor do I even feel like a spanking any more. If Brad is in the mood, and wants to play I will with some ambivalence. I can usually get in the mood pretty quickly. I don’t know if my pain tolerance has dropped, or if his technique is better, but I can barely take a hand spanking anymore. It HURTS, too much to be fun. What happened to enjoying the hurting? Instead it just starts to make me mad and it’s hard to be turned on when your mad. It used to be that it couldn’t be hard enough, he had a hard time hitting my tolerance threshold, and now it’s the opposite. It must be so confusing for him when I am constantly changing my mind and body reactions. When we are just playing he really does want me to enjoy it, not get mad. Oh well, I guess it keeps things interesting.
Brad has also brought up bringing back maintainance type spanking into our lives. He feels like it keeps me level, happier, nicer. He wants to do it once a week, which seems reasonable. I feel some ambivalence about this too. We’ve made some progress lately, so I’d like to give him what he wants, I just want to go slow and make sure it’s beneficial for us. I am trusting my own judgment more now, I think that makes me feel safer to trust him with decisions like this… But I don’t see myself not having a level of awareness that watches out for myself. What is it that guys want? Do they want their wives to trust them and not question them, do they want us to trust them and offer opinions, trust but be watchful? What does it mean for an imperfect person to trust someone who is also not perfect? Your thoughts please….