One of the best things about online/blogging friends is they are always so great about offering words of support or encouragement. It is not me who needs encouragement this time though, it’s Brad. The withdrawal from the pain killers was really hard on him this weekend, he hasn’t been able to sleep much, and that wears him down even more. He is concerned about how long he will have to deal with the side effects. I know that he can make it through this but it’s taking a toll on him emotionally as much as it is physically. Trying to keep him in a positive frame of mind is getting difficult. I know some of you out there have been through similar ordeals. I would be so grateful if any of you could share any helpful advice or words of encouragement, and I will make sure he sees them.
Remember I told you that I have lots of days that I long for spanking all day long, I keep it to myself and then generally lose my nerve and/or desire by the time there is any likelihood for it to happen? I ousted myself from my hiding spot and texted my poor shaky, jittery husband at work about all the horrible implements I’d like to be introduced to my bottom. He didn’t seem overly excited but did say that he’d appreciate something to take out his frustration on. Anything I can do to help dear… Just to fill you in, I’d mentioned that his wife was really in need of spanking (it had been almost 4 days, I can’t seem to get enough), and maybe the regulars (leather paddle, belt) should be involved, but also the hated (wood spoon) and the unknown (dowel rod in my closet left over from a project) because I’m just so darn curious. I was not thinking straight, I blame the hormones!
As soon as I sent the text I thought, “oh my, what have I done? No turning back now though… let’s see what happens.” When he got home there were no sly smiles from him, indicating that he was not thinking about the prior text conversation and using the items I’d suggested, so maybe there was no need to be nervous. By 10:45pm I heard him call me from upstairs “Hey Ally” “yeah?”, “come up here”. Sigh…here we go. I went upstairs and mentioned I was going to go brush my teeth (and avoid direct eye contact.) As I was brushing my teeth Brad kept walking past the bathroom door, I took that time to say “Oh honey…uhh I’m going to chicken out, I don’t really want use all those things I texted about…”. “Oh really” he said as if completely uninterested and walked away. I watched and prayed he was not walking towards the kitchen (where the spoon is). He did not, but everything else came out and he added another paddle that stings like crazy. When I walked back into our bedroom, there he was, with all the implements. “Hey, did you hear when I said I didn’t want to do all that anymore?” “Yeah, yeah I know.” (You girls know what I mean when I say that I was serious but I was also hoping that was not going to let me get away that. If he had I would have been very disappointed in him.) He did not, and with authority in tact he “asked” me to come over to his side of the bed. I was so nervous and I took my time, but when I got there, under the guise of a really big hug, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on tight. (I’ve be known to do that in the past, he will have to peel me off of him if he wants to spank me.) It’s been a long time since I’ve had the kind of spanking that pushed any sort of limits. He’s been very careful with me the past couple months, as soon as I would complain he would stop. I’d implied earlier that I didn’t want that this time. So I was now freaking out a little bit. I begged him to please, please, please, start slow, not too hard, as he guided (pushed) me over one of his legs. He eased my mind by starting lightly. He used both paddles and they weren’t too bad at first, but the stingy one got me squirming pretty well and he was having to pin my arms. By the time he started with the belt it felt nothing. I was totally relaxed. I did still have my panties on though, which helped. Then he stopped and asked me to bend over the bed, alarm bells went off in my head and I realized he was reaching for what we call “the big stick”. “WAIT! Hang on, just wait a sec” (my delay tactic is just to keep repeating that…) “we’ve never done this before, be really careful, I’m scared, be really easy with that thing”. If he wasn’t actually rolling his eyes, he was doing it internally, I couldn’t see his face because he was trying to get me back into position but I could hear it in his voice. “Just bend over…” I couldn’t decide if his confidence was comforting or nerve racking. When he started I had to stifle laughter, partly because of my nervousness and partly because he was barely touching me. I let loose a big sigh of relief and WHACK, yeah, that one hurt big time! I jumped up and let him know it. We laughed a little over it, but then he moved me over to another spot where my hands were much lower and my butt was much more vulnerable. After a few more burning swings to my back side I was done, and he let me be done. My butt was so hot I could feel the heat radiating off of it, right through my panties. And yet… after Brad put everything away I asked if he would wrap it all up by finishing with his hand. It’s a sickness, I know… 🙂
Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense. ~Author Unknown
I’m sorry, I don’t know what it is about me and sex lately, I can even find it in a quote about laughter.
I absolutely LOVE to laugh. It doesn’t take a whole lot to make me laugh, I do it quite easily. TV shows, comedians, the funny bud lite commercial about mr. this or that guy. I love them all. I don’t think I am one of those annoying people who will laugh at just anything though. I think I have pretty good taste but I have been told that I can have a pretty dark sense of humor too. What can I say, I get it from my dad.
Lately I’ve enjoyed fining some of the most clever, humorous, sardonic bloggers, I think they are just hilarious. Sometimes I’ll stumble upon a blogger, if I like them or find them interesting in any way sometimes I’ll look at some of the blogs on their blogroll. Last night I came across a blog called “A Day in the Wife“. What was funny was several posts down she mentions jokingly that her husband generously offered to spank her. I really wasn’t expecting that to come up. Sigh… if she only knew… and I considered commenting. I wondered what she would think about a certified spanko advertising her blog. Anyway, I was just browsing her blog while laying in bed waiting for Brad to come back. After he came back to lay down I was having so much fun I decided to keep reading for a while. I starting chuckling to myself as her humor was grabbing me. It wasn’t long before I was having a hard time controlling my volume. I was giggling uncontrollably and rolling around the bed trying to get ahold of myself. It was great. While Brad appreciates my laughter, he does less so while he is trying to sleep. (Just one more post honey, I promise…) After about 10 minutes of this I knew I couldn’t put it down just yet and had to leave the room before I became a real annoyance. I had the best time laughing with Julie about Nancy Regan wallpaper, vampire movie whores, vibrators, life with her husband, a stuffed squirrel, sex dens at the mall, and there’s so much more. She makes everything seem funny. Check her out, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
It was an interesting weekend for Brad and I. Since last Wed night Brad went off of one pain killer and on to a less effective one. He is trying to get off them all together. He didn’t expect the withdrawal that he was going to experience, the worst of it being not being able to sleep. This out of control feeling for him, it makes him feel particularly vulnerable, he constantly wavers in his mind about what he should be doing, how he should be doing it. I feel for him, I know what it’s like to get off of a drug that you feel dependant on and what some of those physical symptoms do to you. He asked me for a lot of help and support this weekend, which I am all too happy to give him. It’s a mixed bag of feelings though, I am so happy to see him getting away from painkillers, it’s nice to hear him opening up more to me about what he is going through, but hard to see him so miserable at the same time. No one looks good after being awake and anxious for 48 hours. The third night he finally got some much needed sleep.
There were a few big moments this weekend during all this craziness. Friday night I made him a hot bath to soak in so he could relax. I sat in the bathroom and talked to him during this time and he said two very important things that were music to my ears.
“I am definitely more aware of what is going on in the house now” and
“my brain feels so much more awake, I don’t feel so zoned out anymore”
What was it about these statements that were so important? First I thought, “Yes! I am NOT crazy…” There have been times that I’ve wondered about what happened to the person that I married. It was still him, but he’s been a very muted version of himself. It amazes me sometimes that we were able to start ttwd last year. In some ways I think that it kept him going in that he had something else in his life other than the health issue he was dealing with. Regardless, painkillers were affecting the whole family’s quality of life and I am glad to see them go. It gives me a lot of hope in some areas. It’s really difficult, and probably stupid, to fully trust someone hooked on pain meds. Him giving them up eases some of my trust concerns. That could be a whole post on it’s own, but I’m not going to write about that now.
Depending on your perspective, painkillers can be a blessing or a curse for sex. At first it was really fun to be having sex for 30-40 minutes at a time. However, the human body, or at least mine, was not designed to have sex for that long. It becomes painful and exhausting for both of us, not that it kept us from still doing it. Needless to say we had a nice weekend with lots of quickie sex. He’s very lucky that all the sexual energy that was missing in my 20’s is overflowing now.
I also got the spanking I was hoping for Sat. night, although my pain tolerance is still making me feel like such a wimp. It’s hard to be satisfied when you’ve had enough in under 3 minutes. I’ve tried to talk to Brad about warm ups but as most of you know if you mention a warm up right before your guy is starting it’s not typically well received. It’s ok, it’s just going to take more practice. I can handle that…
I think some of you will appreciate this joke I found:
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man… “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Since it’s been a year it might be a good time to take stock of where I am now. Quite a bit more spanking experienced than I was a year ago, and happily so. I’m still in this weird place of not being sure of what I want most of the time. I didn’t start that way. I started as a spanking starved maniac who couldn’t get enough and was there for a while. Then there were lulls in the need/want and now a bit of spanking multiple personalities. They seem to pop up whenever they feel like it and sometimes they are playing musical chairs. There are days when Brad is at work and all I can think about is spanking and can’t wait for night to come, and I think I’d even not mind the wood spoon coming out. In my mind for a moment the wood spoon is a source of pleasure. Ha ha ha… Then night comes, the kids are asleep and all of sudden I am tired, I wouldn’t dream of mentioning anything about a spoon, nor do I even feel like a spanking any more. If Brad is in the mood, and wants to play I will with some ambivalence. I can usually get in the mood pretty quickly. I don’t know if my pain tolerance has dropped, or if his technique is better, but I can barely take a hand spanking anymore. It HURTS, too much to be fun. What happened to enjoying the hurting? Instead it just starts to make me mad and it’s hard to be turned on when your mad. It used to be that it couldn’t be hard enough, he had a hard time hitting my tolerance threshold, and now it’s the opposite. It must be so confusing for him when I am constantly changing my mind and body reactions. When we are just playing he really does want me to enjoy it, not get mad. Oh well, I guess it keeps things interesting.
Brad has also brought up bringing back maintainance type spanking into our lives. He feels like it keeps me level, happier, nicer. He wants to do it once a week, which seems reasonable. I feel some ambivalence about this too. We’ve made some progress lately, so I’d like to give him what he wants, I just want to go slow and make sure it’s beneficial for us. I am trusting my own judgment more now, I think that makes me feel safer to trust him with decisions like this… But I don’t see myself not having a level of awareness that watches out for myself. What is it that guys want? Do they want their wives to trust them and not question them, do they want us to trust them and offer opinions, trust but be watchful? What does it mean for an imperfect person to trust someone who is also not perfect? Your thoughts please….