long over due

Sometimes avoidance serves me well.  Sometimes avoidance keeps me from things I would do or say in anger and later regret.  I never learned as a child how to communicate about hard and emotional things without feeling like my world would blow apart.  I just wasn’t allowed to disagree.  I learned that conflict meant loud and mean things, rejection and long silence to follow.  If you want to argue be prepared to deal with the fall out.  So I learned to avoid conflict.  I’m trying to unlearn that instinct and to talk about hard things in a constructive and calm way.  At times it makes me sick, like I will throw up because surely something awful is about to happen.  I will have to ignore that.  It’s even harder to talk about things that bother me now than before we started TTWD.  As you know, the closer you get to someone, the stakes are higher.  Eventually the pain of not talking overwhelms the instinct to avoid talking.  For the first time in a long time I chose to talk Sat. night.  Brad and I had a talk about important and difficult things that desperately need to be talked about.  It was a good talk even though nothing was really settled.  It’s a step in the right direction.

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7 thoughts on “long over due

  1. Sara says:

    Oh it really does sound like a step in the right direction Ally! New skills need to be practiced and you have to allow for missteps too. Sometimes, it is not a bad idea to discuss ground rules first. For example:

    1. no yelling or cursing
    2. no belittling or below the belt hits
    3. no sarcasm
    4. either of us can ask to table the discussion if it seems overwhelming and the other has to accept that
    5. if tabled it WILL be resumed within 24 hours.

    Just some ideas…you two could together set the boundaries that you both agree on and that will help you feel safe.

  2. Florida Dom says:

    Great that you had a great talk. Keep it up. Communication is very important.
    Tell each other what you want to do.
    Sara gave you good advice, too. And if you have problems saying things to each other try email.

    And good luck on getting what works for both of you.

    FD

  3. Sir J says:

    good for you

  4. greengirliam says:

    Ally, I hope it is the beginnng of the road back.

  5. Ronniesoul says:

    It certainly does sound like a step in the right direction Ally. Don’t stop the communication now.

    Hugs,
    Ronnie
    xx

  6. I applaud you and your bravery. It was obviously a very hard thing for you to do, to choose to talk I mean. Hopefully it will get easier.

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