what I really need

Something got me thinking this morning, made some connections for me.  I’ve pondered a lot about different views on dd, my own experience, blog posts I’ve read recently, and even my relationship with my kids.  There is a principle that applies to every relationship really.  It’s pretty simple, what you put into a relationship determines what you get out of it.  Seems pretty obvious, right? For example, my place in my son’s life determines how he reacts to me.  I will always be his mom, but that isn’t what I mean.  If we are getting along, having a good time, doing something he enjoys, and I am involved or he is counting on me to maintain his enjoyment of life, or even if he anticipates good interaction, he is much more pleasant to be around overall.  When I’m having to argue with or discipline him constantly, if I haven’t spent time with him doing things he likes, he seems to care less and less about whether he is pleasing me or not.  I slip lower on the scale of who he wants to impress.  I’m not saying that he ceases to care about our relationship, but I think his level of motivation changes. 

In the same way a marriage must be a two-way street of give and take.  I know it’s rather simplistic but – she meets his needs and he meets her needs.  It should work out nicely that way, but we all know that at times it can be 80/20 and 30/70 or whatever as life demands more from one person or the other, but hopefully needs are being met on both sides.  In ttwd there has to be give and take, and there is more to it than his leadership and her submission.  He needs to offer love, caring, support, respect, understanding, compassion, and guidance/discipline and she needs to offer her love, respect, submission, support, patience..many of the same things.  If one side is not putting in the necessary quality ingredients for long periods of time, it starts to taste bad.  Eventually you get used to it, it feels normal.  The quality of your personal life depends less on the things they do for you and with you, and shifts elsewhere.  They are less a part of your quality world. 

When we became involved in spanking/dd/ttwd (or any other terms that apply), the things that increased in my quality world were sex, communication, intimacy, spanking, blogging and online friends, and all other things related.  I sought after those things like a girl on a mission.  Our intimacy and communication grew, but could not keep up very well with the things that came up.  Life with someone in chronic pain had/has me feeling like an intruder.  I believe I talked about it being the third wheel one time.  Now I am the third wheel.  You hardly want to add to their problems with your own.  Sometimes have been better than others and there is relief but it never goes away.  At first my life just started to revolve around his pain- he’s in pain and wants to go home early, we go home early, he wants to stay home instead of whatever so no one goes out.  Now the kids and I will just stay later by ourselves, or we go to church by ourselves, or we stay for kid’s events by ourselves, or we go to the pool by ourselves.  There’s been an awful lot of ourselves lately. It’s tough business on the whole family.  I don’t blame him for being in pain, it’s just the way it is.  But as a consequence our quality lives are somewhat separated and intimacy suffers.  

Well, I’ve kind of wandered off from the original point that I wanted to make… We’ll see if I can get back.  I wanted to say that while dd may involve spanking for discipline, if you are not solidly in each other’s worlds, with all those needs I listed above, it won’t work.  For me, fear of a discipline spanking was a deterring factor, for sure.  It’s the exchange of love and respect that induces a will to follow leadership and direction.  This is why I needed discipline spanking put on hold.  The exchange of love and trust is far more important for us to focus on right now.

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7 thoughts on “what I really need

  1. greengirliam says:

    These are really wise thoughts. I grew up in a household with an extreme version of this arrangement. You’re very smart to put first things first. I hope the summer brings a slower pace and energy all around to reconnect.

  2. cultivateddiscipline says:

    There is an end in sight to the pain chapters for both of you. Relationships evolve and the components within them rise and fall in importance as impacted by the demands of life. Enjoy the journey, capture the joy of todays experience tomorrow will bring new ones, or revisit some old ones.

  3. KayLynn says:

    You sound distantly intellectually angry about being alone. And it makes sense to be level headed about it given you have children watching everything you do. Sometimes reintroducing yourself to your husband makes a big difference. So much has changed. You are no longer following for the sake of a style of marriage you wanted.

    “It’s the exchange of love and respect that induces a will to follow leadership and direction.” Very well put! I really hope that it works out for all of you.

  4. Charlie says:

    I’m new to reading your blog, so I’m not entirely aware of the situation, but I do know how things like this go. It hurts everyone involved. I hope your lives begin to intertwine again and leave everyone feeling a little less helpless.

  5. Sara says:

    Very well said. Effort is (almost) everything. I know when my husband hurt his back the recovery time, which took years, was tough on all of us. BUT that is what “for better or worse” is all about…sticking with each other and getting through the tough times. I hope your tough times have an end in sight.

  6. Mick says:

    Just want to chime in and add a “me too” to what others have said. Sure sounds like you’re on the right track. I hope Brad continues to recover.

  7. What a difficult situation for all of you! Your insights on the importance of respect and maintaining a close bond are excellent. Those, at least to me, are the two most necessary components for enabling a relationship to weather the rough times. I’ll be keeping you and your hubby in my thoughts. Celine

    PS, thanks for the welcome! 🙂

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