Sometimes avoidance serves me well. Sometimes avoidance keeps me from things I would do or say in anger and later regret. I never learned as a child how to communicate about hard and emotional things without feeling like my world would blow apart. I just wasn’t allowed to disagree. I learned that conflict meant loud and mean things, rejection and long silence to follow. If you want to argue be prepared to deal with the fall out. So I learned to avoid conflict. I’m trying to unlearn that instinct and to talk about hard things in a constructive and calm way. At times it makes me sick, like I will throw up because surely something awful is about to happen. I will have to ignore that. It’s even harder to talk about things that bother me now than before we started TTWD. As you know, the closer you get to someone, the stakes are higher. Eventually the pain of not talking overwhelms the instinct to avoid talking. For the first time in a long time I chose to talk Sat. night. Brad and I had a talk about important and difficult things that desperately need to be talked about. It was a good talk even though nothing was really settled. It’s a step in the right direction.
I have felt so spacey the past few weeks. The other day I was driving and stopped at a four way stop, something in my brain was thinking I was at a light, and I’m not sure how long I sat there. I had been thinking about something else, and then a car pulled up on the opposite side and caught my eye. That was when I snapped out of it and realized what I was doing. Then another evening I was in the grocery store just to grab a few things. I saw an old friend and it took me longer than normal to process what should have been instant. (Ok, that is….Maggie, I’m at the grocery store, she lives close by here, wow she looks really thin) and she is talking to me and I’m struggling to respond, (what did she just ask me, oh yes, what, how did she know about that? oh yeah, facebook, focus Ally focus!) This is nearly the exact conversation I had inside my head, it was strange and I am hoping she didn’t see how spaced out I was feeling. I also keep managing to drive from point A to point B without even really noticing. Sometimes my kids will say something to me and I just stare at them, going blank. This is all very funny as long as I don’t get into an accident or inadvertently say something stupid. My blood test said that my blood was way too thin, I hope this is reason for all this craziness. If not then I am losing my mind.
What can I say? I needed it, just a little one to dull the craving. Last night the kids were both at sleepovers. All I could think about was what a terrible waste of an empty house to not use this opportunity for a good, loud spanking. It was about 1:30am, I was so restless, and finally I thought “screw it! what do I care about bruising anyway?” I don’t plan on pulling my pants down for anyone else anytime soon anyway! As long a he stays in the area my swimsuit covers it shouldn’t be a problem. So I asked for a handspanking, we can see how it goes. He was half asleep but indulged me anyway. He probably knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop flip flopping all over the bed unless he did something about it. It was good, a small relief and I was happy, but I longed for intensity. Do I sound like an addict yet? If not I will soon. I miss the anticipation of a good spanking. I miss laying across his lap and having him hold my hand, trying to pin me down and keep me still. I miss trying to stay still. I miss the leather paddle, the belt, and even that stupid wood spoon. I miss the heavenly rush of energy that escapes my body as I hit the point where I just can’t fight it anymore. It miss the feeling of total exhaustion and relaxation after it’s over. I miss the rubbing and touching and the……is it getting hot in here or what?
Something got me thinking this morning, made some connections for me. I’ve pondered a lot about different views on dd, my own experience, blog posts I’ve read recently, and even my relationship with my kids. There is a principle that applies to every relationship really. It’s pretty simple, what you put into a relationship determines what you get out of it. Seems pretty obvious, right? For example, my place in my son’s life determines how he reacts to me. I will always be his mom, but that isn’t what I mean. If we are getting along, having a good time, doing something he enjoys, and I am involved or he is counting on me to maintain his enjoyment of life, or even if he anticipates good interaction, he is much more pleasant to be around overall. When I’m having to argue with or discipline him constantly, if I haven’t spent time with him doing things he likes, he seems to care less and less about whether he is pleasing me or not. I slip lower on the scale of who he wants to impress. I’m not saying that he ceases to care about our relationship, but I think his level of motivation changes.
In the same way a marriage must be a two-way street of give and take. I know it’s rather simplistic but – she meets his needs and he meets her needs. It should work out nicely that way, but we all know that at times it can be 80/20 and 30/70 or whatever as life demands more from one person or the other, but hopefully needs are being met on both sides. In ttwd there has to be give and take, and there is more to it than his leadership and her submission. He needs to offer love, caring, support, respect, understanding, compassion, and guidance/discipline and she needs to offer her love, respect, submission, support, patience..many of the same things. If one side is not putting in the necessary quality ingredients for long periods of time, it starts to taste bad. Eventually you get used to it, it feels normal. The quality of your personal life depends less on the things they do for you and with you, and shifts elsewhere. They are less a part of your quality world.
When we became involved in spanking/dd/ttwd (or any other terms that apply), the things that increased in my quality world were sex, communication, intimacy, spanking, blogging and online friends, and all other things related. I sought after those things like a girl on a mission. Our intimacy and communication grew, but could not keep up very well with the things that came up. Life with someone in chronic pain had/has me feeling like an intruder. I believe I talked about it being the third wheel one time. Now I am the third wheel. You hardly want to add to their problems with your own. Sometimes have been better than others and there is relief but it never goes away. At first my life just started to revolve around his pain- he’s in pain and wants to go home early, we go home early, he wants to stay home instead of whatever so no one goes out. Now the kids and I will just stay later by ourselves, or we go to church by ourselves, or we stay for kid’s events by ourselves, or we go to the pool by ourselves. There’s been an awful lot of ourselves lately. It’s tough business on the whole family. I don’t blame him for being in pain, it’s just the way it is. But as a consequence our quality lives are somewhat separated and intimacy suffers.
Well, I’ve kind of wandered off from the original point that I wanted to make… We’ll see if I can get back. I wanted to say that while dd may involve spanking for discipline, if you are not solidly in each other’s worlds, with all those needs I listed above, it won’t work. For me, fear of a discipline spanking was a deterring factor, for sure. It’s the exchange of love and respect that induces a will to follow leadership and direction. This is why I needed discipline spanking put on hold. The exchange of love and trust is far more important for us to focus on right now.
Feels like it’s been forever since I posted last. Life has been a little crazy since we’ve been back from our trip. Brad’s initial recovery is wrapping up but they tell us the disc won’t start to heal and shrink until 6-8 weeks post surgery. As soon as we got home, the very day, I had to take one of our kids to the dr for an ear infection, a few days after that I took the other kid for the same thing. Last Friday I found out I had a blot clot in my chest, then Sat one of the kids came down with strep and had to go to the dr on the same day of the other child’s dance recital. It’s been insane. Today my arm is finally starting to return to normal size (it got very swollen). I’ve been giving myself injections in my stomach twice a day (not fun btw) and I have two more days to go. It can be a blessing and a curse having so many people in my life in the medical field. Everyone has their own opinion and of course none of them line up with my dr’s. I am unhappy with my dr right now, his patient relations are severely lacking. It’s a long story, and I won’t go through it all, but for a while I was thinking it was possible that my antidepressants caused the problem, I thought I was going to have to get off of them and even though I would love to, I was seriously stressed about it. Apparently Brad was too, he’s all but begged me not to stop taking it. Now I have had a nurse pract. and a dr (friend) tell me that it could be from muscle trauma to my arm earlier in the week. That had been my first thought anyway…. My primary dr totally dismissed this, waved me off. It’s been irritating bouncing back and forth between medical professionals with varying levels of concern and has had me in a whirlwind wondering what the heck is going on. It’s been a hard week but I am finally getting my feet under me again and may be able to come out of hiding. I’ve kept to myself mostly at home, silently freaking out. I thought for several days about what it might be like for my kids should I suddenly not be here, I thought I could possibly die. It wasn’t likely, but possible, and it was very scary. It seems backward but I wonder if God put this in my life to pull me out of the fog I’ve been in. It’s given me something else to focus on and a will to tackle it, find a cause and a solution. It takes a lot of will power to give myself a shot, if I can get through that, I’m tougher than I gave myself credit for. In the meantime, I am on blood thinners, I’m advised not to even bump my head, I’m thinking that spanking is probably not the safest right now. I’d hate for any reason to have to explain that kind of bruising. I’m missing it already!