I know, it’s funny…

OK everybody, thank you for laughing along with (at?) me over the whole email debacle.  I wanted to clear up that the whole email was sexual, and while the word “beating” was in there, it was used very obviously in a sexual context and there wasn’t anything about dd in there.  (Thankfully!)  I don’t know that the response would be the same if it had been about dd, he probably would have called us in for an emergency counseling session if that were the case.  Maybe not, Brad and I have always played “guess who seems like they could be a dd couple?” game, they are on the list.   I am embarrassed but it could have been waaaaayyy worse.  I can at least laugh this one off, and hope that we will both be very careful so that this will never happen again.  If it ever happened with a family member, then I would die and would have to move very far away. 

I really have so many things that I could write about right now, just trying to hold onto my sanity though…sometimes allowing the feelings to flow through is overwhelming – too intense, and I feel like I will get lost in them.  Optimism is lost on me and yet I’m getting very sick of myself this way.  I seem to be able to go through most days fairly well and mostly distracted, but there are times that emotions cannot be contained.  When it rains, it pours.  It rained the other night. 

I expected when I saw the paddle on the bed there would be spanking involved.  I wasn’t really in the mood, but not against it either.  Brad made me do something different position-wise than we normally do.  He sat on the bed, legs stretched out, and had me up on all fours in front of him, instead of laying across his lap.  Experience told me that this would hurt more.  He wanted me to arch my back, give him an easy target, but I was so antsy about it I had a hard time making my body do that.  Nerves had me giggling and cringing, every time the paddle was about to make contact I would tense up and my back would do the opposite of what he wanted.  I tried, I swear, but it was hard to control.  Soon enough I settled in to the rhythm and relaxed (as much as that is possible) and then Brad starts doing something else that is rare.  He started talking…  talking during spanking is rare.  I’ve just gotten used to that.  He starts talking about how the laundry room needs to be organized, the winter clothes I’ve pulled out of the kids closets that are sitting out need to be taken care of…  I agree… so what is this?  Because not 30 seconds later he is touching me in places that have nothing to do with laundry and organization.  What kind of spanking is this?  What are you doing?  I’m cutting short that line of questioning because I’m working on a post about confusing spankings.  Anyway, lots of stuff going on with me already, surprises in the bedroom, my mind is churning, and then he starts spanking really really hard.  I can’t move because he’s got me pinned somehow and I am getting a little frantic.  Even as it happens, there are 2 levels of thinking going on – one is in the moment saying “try to relax, breath, stay still, you can handle this, if you stop wiggling around he will stop soon”, and the other is behind the scenes saying “what is happening here?  I feel like I could give myself over to these emotions churning up, could I? should I?  do I really want to go there now?”.  I didn’t really want to, I knew it would ruin whatever plans he had in mind when the “touching” began… but he just kept spanking and I just couldn’t help it.  I cried, a lot.  More than a lot, and I think it scared him a little bit.  He wanted to know exactly what was wrong and when you have million things going through your mind it’s hard to pinpoint.  It was really just  some emotional releasing.  It’s also hard to talk when in that state, but we talked some.  Anyway, I think that it was a move forward…

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6 thoughts on “I know, it’s funny…

  1. Ally,
    WOW! With everything going on there, all of these emotional things, it’s no wonder that you were crying. I’m hope that in the end the emotional release was helpful, that would be a great thing! I’ve had many confusing spankings myself. I don’t know if its a learning curve for Henry, or that the emotions are new to me and also can be confusing.
    I actually woke up early this morning and all I could think of was that I really need a *make me cry* kind of spanking. So, I guess I’m jealous!;-)
    BTW, GREAT Post!
    Elysia

  2. Ally says:

    thanks Elysia, most of the time it is helpful and I almost always feel so much better afterwards, this time however, it was kind of weird, not sure what that means… but I’m good now so all is ok

  3. lovedandled says:

    Ally –

    I feel for you. Number one, I hate the “on your knees, back arched down” spanking. This position is a fave of J’s, probably because he knows I feel it that much more! lol Also, I have the same issue with struggling to keep that position and keep my back arched like he wants after he gets going…it’s torturous. So, don’t think your alone or that B is the only one to have had THAT idea.

    I can also relate to feeling overwhelmed emotionally and feeling like you want to scream, cry, rant and rave, curl up in a ball for hours and not move, or just give up completely. I don’t often allow myself to actually do any of these things, but the though and/or desire is there. It’s good that you cried, you probably needed to – and I hope it helped make you feel better.

    I’m lucky (I suppose?) that I do not share in the issue of confusing spankings. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I always know why I am being spanked, as J makes it very clear. He doesn’t want me feeling confused and makes sure I understand him – lol.

    Feel Better and keep us all updated!

    Jenn

  4. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    I don’t talk about us spanking much, but we don’t have punishment in that way, and he never really does OTK. But – the second part of what you said here I have experienced, almost verbatim. There is no confusion about the purpose, but the results can be all over the place. And the part about the internal conversations and mental struggle and backseat driving, I know so well what you mean. For me – the times that it was more intense and led to me breaking down scared him but was definitely forward progress overall. I have also found that as we keep doing things, my internal conversations are getting quieter, which makes the whole thing take a different feel. It has taken a lot of time and discussion though. You are a strong woman, doing what you need to do.

  5. mouse says:

    Ally,

    Omega sometimes does that (starts a discussion about something completely out of left field) and it does make a for a confusing mind. The crying, giving up, and letting go is something that happens to me in varying intensity. O is often startled, because sometimes he thinks I’m more stressed out than maybe I am and other times, when I let go like that he really didn’t see it coming.

    Hugs,
    mouse

  6. Ally says:

    Jenn – I think it’s good that J is clear about the reasons for spanking. I thinking it is very important in dd.

    Greengirl – thanks for your support and understanding, it is hard to sort through all of the internal dialog at times

    mouse – I supposed th guys can be just as confused as we are, huh?

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