what’s good for me

What’s good for me is not what I always do naturally.  I really dislike scheduling, to do lists, and structure in my days.  Well, not completely without structure, but I don’t like to feel tied down.  I want to take the day as it comes, I don’t feel like planning it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t get things done.  Because I do get things done (stop shaking your head Brad…).  I do, it’s just on my own time and I usually have reasons for my timing.  For instance, I am far more likely to clean the entire house in one day, than to spread it out through out the week.  It may not make sense to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.  I’d rather expend the energy all at once, than to have to come up with the will to use energy for cleaning every day.  Unfortunately, having two young children and a dog do not allow me to use this system well, there is just too much daily destruction and dirt management to keep up with.  I also don’t like to plan meals for an entire week, how do I know what we will feel like eating 3,4, or 5 days from now? Well, I don’t know, but I don’t have time to go to the grocery store six days a week, so planning is a must.  Because I am a stay at home I do have some luxury in spur of the moment get togethers with friends of mine and my daughters.  Most of the time that’s how I do it and it seems to work well for all of us.  When it comes to making doctors appointments for myself I am an excellent procrastinator.  Not because I don’t have the number, or even that I don’t want to go, but just because it’s a pain.  It’s got to be done eventually but you would be amazed how long I can wear a pair on contacts meant to used for only one month.  I’m not exactly sure where I get this from… my mom was very organized, she planned everything.  My dad… well that’s probably where I get it from.  But I was always an excellent student, an organized student.  I was organized when I worked.  I am just not organized now.  I lack the structure in my day to day life that has always been provided/imposed or necessary at other times.  Now I have to be internally motivated and provide my own structure.  It is not hard stuff to do, it’s just tedious.  When Brad and I first looked at dd I thought (since he is freakishly organized) that he would start imposing rules about this or that (uh.. other than those related to the vacuum cleaner).  But that didn’t happen.  At first I was a bit disappointed thinking that here is a way to get me going, now I can get on top of things and now I will be magically happy and effiecent.  Then I was apathetic about it, he just wasn’t interested or didn’t have the energy to police the type of stuff that is mostly my job anyway.  Besides, his style is if he sees something that needs to be done, he just does it.  Now I am glad because, to be honest, I can be a bit prickly when I feel like someone is hovering, it seriously annoys me.  I’m not saying that there aren’t times that Brad asks (tells?) me to get something done, it’s just not a regular set in stone requirement.  And even with things on hold here I still do my best do what he asks or has asked of me in the past.  Anyway, my point was going to be that even though I don’t enjoy imposing structure on my days, I want to/need to get some measure of it for my own sanity and so I can be more productive and happy in all areas.  I am going to have to push aside any “but I don’t feel like it”s and just do it.  Proactivity “means more than merely taking initiative.  It means that as human beings, we are responsible for our own lives.  Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.  We can subordinate feelings to values.  We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.“(S. Covey)

quote

quote of the day – 

 “The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief he proposes to remove.”     – Samuel Johnson 

 

what kind of spanking is this anyway?

Once upon a time I was able to move seamlessly through a spanking involving more than one purpose.  As always, sexual thoughts are not far off for Brad, he can’t seem to keep his hands off the rest of me regardless what kind of spanking.  For a long time I didn’t mind these things: sex immediately following punishment spankings, sex mixed in with maintenance, play time letting warnings sneak in, or maybe venting of feelings, maintenance and play mixed…. I learned to get used to it, accept it as part of our system, and adapt as I needed to.   Due to the emotional upheaval lately I have become rather uncomfortable with this type of arrangement.  It’s not that I don’t have a sense for what is going on at any given time, but for me right now to have serious “you need to….” talks during a spanking, and then 2 seconds later sexual stuff going on, it’s creating a guessing game that has my mind spinning in circles.  I don’t want to not know what is going on, what’s coming next, or wonder whether we are on the same page.  At the least it is unpredictable and at the worst creates an untrustworthy enviroment.  DD is still on hold for us too, which made the other night confusing, but we have since cleared that up.  I don’t think that Brad is doing this knowingly, it’s just a bad pattern that we’ve allowed to develop.  So here’s the deal.  I don’t mind going from one thing to another usually, but I need to know where the lines are.  If it’s going to be a maintenance spanking, a here’s what’s going to happen if you don’t get this done tomorrow spanking, a punishment spanking, or play/sexual spanking, then let’s say it and let’s be purposeful about it.  At least make sure we are on the same page, I don’t want to guess at what is going on.

Things I Love

It’s not a comprehensive list but these are some things that I love:

sitting outside on a mildly warm day with a light breeze and nothing to do

playing with puppies

seeing my kids be nice to each other when they don’t know I am watching

quiet time

reading

rollerblading on a flat surface

meaningful moments with friends

encouraging words from my husband

when somebody seems to understand me

waking up in the morning with a golden light coming through my window and the time to lay there and enjoy it

good movies/good music/good blogs 😉

a good laugh

So it’s not so bad, it could be worse…way worse…

Following on the heels of Sara’s post discussing perspective, I’ve had my own perspective inducer today.  My RL best friend today told me that her husband is moving out this afternoon at her request.  It’s an extremely difficult situation and Brad and I care about them both deeply and my heart is breaking for her.  Several of you have talked lately about friends going through difficult and painful divorces.  It is hard to sit on the side lines and watch the lives of people you care about unravel.  I wish that I could do something, but there is nothing to do but offer my time, my support, and my love.  I would do almost anything for her. 

So today I feel thankful that I have never had to wonder if my marriage would be there tomorrow.  I have full confidence that it will be.  Things can be and have been very hard, but it’s not been what my friend is going through.  I really hope that they can work things out in time, but I’m not as hopeful for them this time around.  Yep, this time around.

I know, it’s funny…

OK everybody, thank you for laughing along with (at?) me over the whole email debacle.  I wanted to clear up that the whole email was sexual, and while the word “beating” was in there, it was used very obviously in a sexual context and there wasn’t anything about dd in there.  (Thankfully!)  I don’t know that the response would be the same if it had been about dd, he probably would have called us in for an emergency counseling session if that were the case.  Maybe not, Brad and I have always played “guess who seems like they could be a dd couple?” game, they are on the list.   I am embarrassed but it could have been waaaaayyy worse.  I can at least laugh this one off, and hope that we will both be very careful so that this will never happen again.  If it ever happened with a family member, then I would die and would have to move very far away. 

I really have so many things that I could write about right now, just trying to hold onto my sanity though…sometimes allowing the feelings to flow through is overwhelming – too intense, and I feel like I will get lost in them.  Optimism is lost on me and yet I’m getting very sick of myself this way.  I seem to be able to go through most days fairly well and mostly distracted, but there are times that emotions cannot be contained.  When it rains, it pours.  It rained the other night. 

I expected when I saw the paddle on the bed there would be spanking involved.  I wasn’t really in the mood, but not against it either.  Brad made me do something different position-wise than we normally do.  He sat on the bed, legs stretched out, and had me up on all fours in front of him, instead of laying across his lap.  Experience told me that this would hurt more.  He wanted me to arch my back, give him an easy target, but I was so antsy about it I had a hard time making my body do that.  Nerves had me giggling and cringing, every time the paddle was about to make contact I would tense up and my back would do the opposite of what he wanted.  I tried, I swear, but it was hard to control.  Soon enough I settled in to the rhythm and relaxed (as much as that is possible) and then Brad starts doing something else that is rare.  He started talking…  talking during spanking is rare.  I’ve just gotten used to that.  He starts talking about how the laundry room needs to be organized, the winter clothes I’ve pulled out of the kids closets that are sitting out need to be taken care of…  I agree… so what is this?  Because not 30 seconds later he is touching me in places that have nothing to do with laundry and organization.  What kind of spanking is this?  What are you doing?  I’m cutting short that line of questioning because I’m working on a post about confusing spankings.  Anyway, lots of stuff going on with me already, surprises in the bedroom, my mind is churning, and then he starts spanking really really hard.  I can’t move because he’s got me pinned somehow and I am getting a little frantic.  Even as it happens, there are 2 levels of thinking going on – one is in the moment saying “try to relax, breath, stay still, you can handle this, if you stop wiggling around he will stop soon”, and the other is behind the scenes saying “what is happening here?  I feel like I could give myself over to these emotions churning up, could I? should I?  do I really want to go there now?”.  I didn’t really want to, I knew it would ruin whatever plans he had in mind when the “touching” began… but he just kept spanking and I just couldn’t help it.  I cried, a lot.  More than a lot, and I think it scared him a little bit.  He wanted to know exactly what was wrong and when you have million things going through your mind it’s hard to pinpoint.  It was really just  some emotional releasing.  It’s also hard to talk when in that state, but we talked some.  Anyway, I think that it was a move forward…