I keep writing posts, sort of, but nothing sounds right to me.  I’ll think I have some thing and then I look it over and, uh… no, not putting that out there, for what ever reason.  Maybe I am too picky.  So I decided I would write about not publishing posts.  Not really, that would be really boring.  You’ll have to settle for my stream of consciousness.

So anyway, I am ok, Brad is ok, our “ok-ness” is what we can manage right now with parental responsibilities, work, pain management, basketball fever, and my own pain management of sorts.  The way things have played out the past month or so have brought something up to the surface yet again for me.  It’s the worst it’s ever been, I can’t say “something happened when I was…” to anyone without losing composure inside and out.  And I’ve had to explain more than I would care to.  I’m getting really angry that something that happened 17 years ago still has such an effect on me, and that is not for lack of trying in every seemingly possible way to deal with it.  It scares me.  It doesn’t even make sense to me anymore and it makes me so MAD.  I have to believe that at some point I can turn and say “I accept it, I can’t change it, and I am moving on, goodbye”.  Looking forward to that…


5 thoughts on “OK

  1. mouse says:

    I never believed I could put my past behind me, well at least for the most part. Sometimes it passes over me like a wave, other times it’s just recycled.

    The point is that it does become easier to own those feelings of anger or whatever and eventually let them go.

    It’s never easy tho.


  2. Mick says:

    Perhaps, if as you become more aware of yourself, you’re about to reach a new level of healing. Courage.

  3. Meow says:

    Ally, I’ve found that issues surface within me for a reason and although dealing with them is hard, I usually get some sort of insight. They sometimes recycle on a deeper level another time because I can’t deal with the whole thing at the time. I hope you can get some relief soon with your issue and feel stronger for it. Meow

  4. greengirl says:

    Have you read your kids the Bear Hunt Book. “Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go around it, have to go through it.” I remind myself of this when I’m trying to make it through awful things. It doesn’t help with the awful, but it reminds me to keep trudging through – there is no other option for getting to the other side. Good luck with your bear hunt.

  5. Sara says:

    Ally, I am thinking MAD is good. Keep going!!!

    Hugs, Sara

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