On hold

 There isn’t something wrong with dd, there is something wrong with the people practicing it.  I mean us, and more specifically I mean me.  I’m not going to speak for Brad, just me.  While it is a great tool to facilitate harmony in a relationship it can be used badly too.  Sticking with my own problems, the negative tape about myself running in my head, I really just let inappropriatly expressed feelings become repressed feelings.  Not only that but old stuff comes up, or rather reveals it’s self for what it is and I can’t shove it back down any longer.  It’s started to hurt too much, became too much to bear.  Things have come to a head.  In reference to a great post by Mouse, it’s time for me yet again to get rid of some of the baggage.  Brad and I have put dd on hold for the time being in order to nurse the communication in our relationship back to health.  Also to allow me to seperate myself emotionally from him so I can become a whole person on my own.  It just wasn’t going to work with the way things were, it was too easy for me to be quiet.  I let submission become for me a denial of my worth.  That is not what it really is…  Deep inside a part of me knows that it’s ok to be just me, I just have to believe it and take care of myself.  So anyway, that is what is going on with me.  It’s a rough road and one that I am particularly weary of, it seems never ending.  The alternative is worse, so I’ll keep going.  The good thing is that the absence of dd doesn’t mean the absence of spanking 😉 or that I will stop blogging.  It’s all just part of the story.  I am hoping it leads to somewhere great.

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9 thoughts on “On hold

  1. mouse says:

    Ally,

    I’m glad you liked my baggage post and I hope it helped you. Sometimes it’s hard to realize how much all those extra bags weigh you down. You and Brad have a great relationship and I’m sure you’ll work through it all.

    Hugs,
    mouse

  2. I’m sorry that dd hasn’t been working for you (you and Brad)lately, but it is something that you do, it doesn’t define you (Ally/Brad), so stepping back may help you see better who you are,and where you want to go. You (Ally)’re a lovely person, with lots to say. I’m so glad you’re not leaving the blog, I would miss you. From reading lots of blogs, it seems not unusual to step back and reevaluate things. I wish you both all the best in discovering the best path for both of you!
    Hugs, Elysia

  3. Sara says:

    Ally, I think for all of us growth is rarely a straight path. And then, as they say, we take three steps forward and two steps back.

    I like your description of Dd as a relationship tool, and deciding “to nurse the communication in our relationship back to health” sounds very…healthy!

    I will be rooting for you guys, and yes, keep posting please!

  4. Mick says:

    Ally, I’m very supportive of your putting Dd on hold while you work on other issues. Very wise.

  5. greengirl says:

    Ally,
    To have changed your realtionship in the past when you needed to took an awful lot of courage, following through with it and sticking to your committment took a lot of courage. You have shown that you do have the courage and the strength to do what you see you need to. As hard as this road may be – I am sure you will make it work. All my best.

  6. Ally says:

    Thanks everyone (mouse, Elysia, Sara, Mick, Greengirl) for all your friendship, support, and encouragement. It means to a lot to me.

  7. KayLynn says:

    Ally there is so much in this post. You are doing a lot of growing by facing old pain and wanting it to have a proper place in your life. It made you who you are today, but doesn’t get to direct your actions. I’m glad you wrote this post. It is helpful to me. KayLynn

  8. Meow says:

    I’m catching up on posts and just wanted to say that this sounds like a really important step for you two. Growth can take place in many directions, so I’m happy for you! meow

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