I have been uneasy

If you listen to this song you may want to turn the sound way down at first, it’s starts out really loud.

M.W. Smith \ Never Been Unloved

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I’ve been undone by what I’m unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I’ve been unapproachable

I’ve been unemotional
I’ve been unexceptional
I’ve been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware
I have been unfair
I’ve been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It’s because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I remember when this song came out, I was in still in college.  It struck me because it’s such a complete admission of humanity, and yet I am still loved.  I tend to beat myself up over my imperfections and I often let it hinder me or drag me down.  This song is somewhat bittersweet.  It can make me sad but it’s also a message of unconditional love and hope. 
“And sometimes I have been unwise,  I’ve been undone by what I’m unsure of”
This is the decription of my life sometimes.  I’m tired of being unsure.  Unsure of what to do, what I need, what is normal.  Where I am doesn’t feel good, but here is the thing, at least I’m aware, I have a brain in my head and I’m a capable person.  I can move forward.  That is what makes it all worth it.
That is if I can get away from my own negativity.  I know I am not the only one who struggles with pessimism.  It can be my undoing and frustrate me so much.  Not more than a month ago it seemed like I’d had a shift in my way of thinking.  I felt free from it for a short time.  Just when I felt like it’s grip on me was loosening…. my resolve is tested.  And I failed.  It’s ok though, I’m dusting myself off and trying again. 
I am reminded of my new year’s quote  “I dwell in possibility”
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7 thoughts on “I have been uneasy

  1. Janet says:

    Ally,
    I am right there dusting myself off with you!
    Good luck moving forward, I know you can do it!
    If you need help I am sure Brad can help you with the negativity. I know I will ask my HOH to help me out tonight.
    Good Luck

  2. mouse says:

    I love the way music can work it’s way into your life and it doesn’t matter how much time passes you hear that one song and you’re back in the moment.

    Honestly tho, we all go through times where we’re less than certain about the path we’re on. Seriously! I’m going through it now.

    Sometimes I wish I could just skip to the last chapter and find out how my life all works out.

    mouse

  3. Mick says:

    Ally, wouldn’t it be nice if we could find certainty? It has taken me a long time to find peace in unanswered questions and even doubts.

    It also takes time to learn how to accept yourself. Other people are entitled to your compassion, and it seems to me that you need to be merciful toward yourself–you’re a person, too.

    We often speak of God who loves us even when we’re unlovable. But perhaps God likes you for your good qualities, too–your sincerity, humor, humility, desire to grow, intellect, kindness, etc. I’m sure there are many more of those.

    Wishing you well.

  4. Katia says:

    Ally,
    I hope things start looking up from you. Just remember perserverence builds character.
    Hugs,
    Katia

  5. Ally says:

    Janet – Thanks, I hope things gets easier for you and your puppy soon too

    mouse – I do love the songs that are so meaningful to me, and there are a lot of them. I wouldn’t mind just skipping to the end of this chapter.

    Mick – Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, I’m trying not to be that. Negativity seems like the tune that you just can’t get out your head all day. I just can’t shake it sometimes. Thank you for your kind words, I will try to keep them in mind.

    Katia – so character building it is 🙂

  6. Before this year I would have told you that I am an optimistic person, and my hubby the pessimist. We have had a role reversal this past year. I have come to believe that a healthy amount of pessimism is actually desirable.What would we do if we felt everything was fine and dandy all of the time? I believe we have to accept that we are not perfect, but we should always strive to be better. Just don’t examine everything at once. With dd, I am choosing to work on one thing at a time. I don’t think that I can become fully submissive overnight. I don’t want to be perfect, just better than I am in this regard. Mick is right, you do need to see how wonderful you are and what you have to offer the world (even if it’s your own little world), don’t ignore that something that you’re working on, but try to keep a balance. I was very negative the other day, and Janet helped me over that. I also think she’s right about asking for help. I’m sure that your HOH will tell you all what you need to hear.
    The song is beautiful, I got chills listening!

  7. Sara says:

    Hang in there Ally!

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