fyi

Thanks to everyone who commented yesterday… I don’t think I have ever had so many people saying they hoped I would get spanked, it was kind of funny.  Just to let you know, last night was perfect.  Every thing happened as planned.  I did get a spanking but I our team won so I was too happy to cry.  (Not for lack of trying on Brad’s part.)  It was very relaxing though and much needed.  Even better, the sun is out today! 

My son is feeling much better.  Maybe a little too good, he’s bouncing of the walls today.  If he would only use that energy to clean his room…

Anyway, it’s Friday, I hope you all have a great weekend. 

Ally

I could really use a spanking

I need a spanking big time.  It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten an all out, push the limits, make me cry kind of spanking.  I cry at the drop of a hat these days, so it shouldn’t be too difficult.  I am really sick of winter and I am ready for some sun.  There has been far too much stress around here lately.  My son has only been to school on day this week and will miss the rest of the week due to strep.  Brad is having hip/muscle soreness (again) which is putting him in a very bad mood and we have had our own communication issues the past few days.  Things are fine now but I am really craving a kind of get back to normal/reconnection spanking. He’s going to come through for me…  Last night I went to bed first, Brad came to our room to kiss me goodnight and said with a smile”your getting a spanking tomorrow after the basketball game”.  I lit up inside like a Christmas tree and I said “OK!”.  He added “if we lose your getting a beating” (he thinks he’s being funny).  “If we lose I’m going to need one”.  Then we can both get our frustration out, you know? 

share the love

This is one of my new favorite songs, if anyone cares.  It’s ok with me if you don’t want to listen, I just really like the lyrics, you’ll see those too at the link. 

Live Like We’re Dying

It’s (yes, another cliche) song about not taking life and the people you love or care about for granted.  It’s way too easy to do.  For me, there isn’t a thought more scary than getting to the end of life and feeling like I wasted it.  I don’t know when I will die, it might be 60 yrs from now, it might be tomorrow.  How much more important is it then to appreciate what we have right now?

family fun

One of the best things about having kids is hearing the funny things they say when they are young.  The other night my son and I were doing mad libs together (in case you aren’t familiar, it’s a short story with words missing, one person is asked to fill in the noun, adj, verb, adverb, etc without seeing what the story is – the idea is that you get a very funny story).  While my son and I were playing, my daughter wanted to participate too, so I would let her give answers to the easy ones.  One blank asked for a number, so I asked her for an answer.  Here’s how the conversation went…

me – can you tell me a number?

d – umm..one

me – hmm.. can you give me another number? another number would work better

d – two

me – can you tell me a really big number?

d – (long pause)  ok, a giant 4!

My son and I almost fell out of our chairs laughing, it was so funny.  Sometimes I forget she is only 4, she seems to act so much older because she picks up so much from her brother and her cousins.  Her literal interpretations are the best entertainment these days.

 

From the beginning…

Every once in a while I get asked “how did you and Brad get into TTWD?”.  It’s kind of a long story so just typed it out for when ever I would need it.  I’ve also been saving it for a dry spell, like now, so it’s being released today. 

Somewhere around March or April of this year (2009) Brad and I started to play around with spanking in the sexual realm.  I’d always been kind of turned on by the thought but NEVER told anyone.  It was just to embarrassing at the time, I didn’t know that there were so many others like me.  What finally made me feel comfortable enough to say something was I was seeing lots of references to spanking in mainstream magazines I was reading.  I started to think this might be an acceptable kink.  Now I should say first in the past year or so (while our sex life was really ramping up) Brad every once in a while would give me a good smack on the butt and we would giggle about it, but I never said “please do that again, that’s hot”.  That is until one day last spring, when I did say that.  So then it was happening a little more frequently.  I can’t remember all the details as to why I looked on the internet about spanking but I found a few articles about adult spanking and how to’s and stuff.  I printed them off and with my stomach in knots gave them to Brad that night.  He was game for it but we both felt a little weird, ok a lot weird, but we decided we were going to try it OTK style as the article described.  I have to say b/c of the vulnerability I felt, the apprehension Brad felt, and the amount of sexual tension in the room it was an intense experience. It was great, but we were still feeling this whole thing out.  Asking ourselves and each other, is this normal, is this ok?  We continued to experiment the same way, but I wanted more.  I hit the internet again and this time came across My Bottom Smarts first. I was hooked and absorbed everything like a sponge, passing it all onto Brad, before I even touched another link.  With all the tutorials and brunches that were so helpful, we learned a lot.  It was our spring board to this lifestyle.  Though we saw the mention of DD on her site, we had never heard of anything like that and dismissed it.  We were not going to go there, it was just too strange.

I started to look at other blogs and would read many of them start to finish.  Eventually I was reading blogs of DD couples.  I thought it was very interesting, and I was beginning to understand the appeal, but I never thought it would be part of my own marriage.  Brad and I had talked about it a little bit and he was in disbelief that women would want that type of arrangement.  Since he felt that way, it never occurred to me to discuss it in relation to us.  What I didn’t know for a while was that Brad was going through the history and watching what I was reading.  One day he was teasing me and said  “I know your interested in it, you’re doing all this reading”.  I just said “whatever” and thought nothing of it. 

Weeks later I ran into Sara’s blog and I just was amazed at how DD had impacted their relationship. The more I read the more I became convinced that DD could do much for our relationship. The areas we lack in, communication, trust, spending time focusing on each other, I felt we would be forced to deal with them under a DD relationship.  That is if we wanted to be successful. It was my desire to improve our relationship and to be closer, more connected. I kept my thoughts to myself though, I was just waiting… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but I didn’t have to wait long…

All the details are unimportant so I’ll spare you, but during the week Brad had asked me to clean up the basement, there were some things that needed to taken upstairs and so on.  I never did get it, I’m not sure why, it just wasn’t on my list of high priorities.  I do know that it was not something I purposely ignored.  Stuff around the house has always been a source of contention between us, this was nothing new.  By the end of the weekend Brad was angry about the basement and let me know.  It turned into a fight and then we were not talking.  I don’t remember what my excuse was, but I am sure I had one.  (The real reason was I was spending lots of time on the computer instead.)  So we were both mad all day and while he was at work I sent him an email as to how I felt and it was not very nice. 

The response I got was completely unexpected. It said some thing like – You were wrong and you know it.  I’ve had enough and you’re going to be spanked tonight. – My response was – uh, I don’t think so, I thought you said dd was dumb. What’s going on?  – He said well, I think we are going to give it a try.  And I said more but I don’t remember it all.  Anyway, that night  I was spanked.  And let me tell you, (sorry Brad) it was the lamest spanking I have ever received!  I don’t think I even said oww once.  It cracks me up just thinking about it.  At that point, it was probably a good thing since we really did not have an agreement or basic understanding about how all this was going to go.  Probably not your traditional start…  We did talk about it the next day, and agreed on a few basic things.  At that point, short of another fight like we just had, I couldn’t imagine getting spanked for anything again.  I just thought it would never happen.  It turned out fairly quickly that I was wrong.  I’m not in real trouble very often, but it’s happened more than once since then. It’s been such a strange variety of experiences.  It’s slowly becoming a natural part of our lives, but still requires a lot of work.  I suppose it always will.

I wrote this way back when, what feels like years ago, but it was more like the end of last summer.  It’s funny how much things change in a short amount of time, and how some things never change.  We almost never have those silly kinds of fights anymore which is great.  It clears the air to be able to see the more subtle and deeply buried issues between us.  It’s good and bad and most certainly not easy, nor pain free.  There have been times that I’ve never been more in love and times that I thought I’d break into a million little pieces.   All in all, I’m glad we are still traveling down this path. 

I have been uneasy

If you listen to this song you may want to turn the sound way down at first, it’s starts out really loud.

M.W. Smith \ Never Been Unloved

I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I’ve been undone by what I’m unsure of
But because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I’ve been unapproachable

I’ve been unemotional
I’ve been unexceptional
I’ve been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware
I have been unfair
I’ve been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It’s because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I remember when this song came out, I was in still in college.  It struck me because it’s such a complete admission of humanity, and yet I am still loved.  I tend to beat myself up over my imperfections and I often let it hinder me or drag me down.  This song is somewhat bittersweet.  It can make me sad but it’s also a message of unconditional love and hope. 
“And sometimes I have been unwise,  I’ve been undone by what I’m unsure of”
This is the decription of my life sometimes.  I’m tired of being unsure.  Unsure of what to do, what I need, what is normal.  Where I am doesn’t feel good, but here is the thing, at least I’m aware, I have a brain in my head and I’m a capable person.  I can move forward.  That is what makes it all worth it.
That is if I can get away from my own negativity.  I know I am not the only one who struggles with pessimism.  It can be my undoing and frustrate me so much.  Not more than a month ago it seemed like I’d had a shift in my way of thinking.  I felt free from it for a short time.  Just when I felt like it’s grip on me was loosening…. my resolve is tested.  And I failed.  It’s ok though, I’m dusting myself off and trying again. 
I am reminded of my new year’s quote  “I dwell in possibility”

on the edge

Driving in the mountains can really scare me.  In the passenger seat I can look out my window and see the drop off.  Yep, straight down. There is no guard rail, no rock wall, nothing.  As the contents of my stomach struggle to stay down, I am trying so hard to not look like I think I might die at any moment.  I forced myself to relax to a point where I could nonchalantly say “you know, if our car went off the side, we would die…” 

“I am going very slow Ally” he says. 

 “It doesn’t matter how slow you’re going if your car falls of the side of a mountain.”

“Ally, look at all the trees, the trees would stop the car…”

“We would probably die from impact”

“Yeah… if you hit your head on a tree”

“The trees would smash in the roof of the car, we would die.”

You can’t argue with a crazy person, he should know this by now.  I used to get very nervous at times in the car when Brad was driving, usually on the highway.  When I am in the car, and I start to get nervous, there is a point of no return and very little chance of me not quietly freaking out from the inside out.  My breathing gets shallow, I feel sick and upset, my heart races, and all I want to do is get out.  I start imagining things that could happen with the car, things that are possible, but also things that I have never seen or heard of happening. 

It’s completely irrational. 

I know it is a control/trust issue, it only happens when other people are driving.  Knowing that doesn’t help much when it sneaks up on me.  I am a thousand times better now than I was five years ago.  I almost never experience that anymore, just every once in a while, and even then I can usually talk myself out of it.  I hope that is an indication of being more trusting and less controlling.   But still, driving up a mountain with a drop off is scary.