I’m not sure what direction this post will take… this may be hard to write. Brad has taken all that I’ve said into consideration. He didn’t tell me so til later, I just knew. The topic I mentioned not really being ready for the other day, restraint… I suppose when you need to be ready, you just need to be ready and deal with it. I’ll try to not be overly dramatic about it all….
Lesson #1 is you can ask for what you want, be given all you want and more, but if your mind isn’t in the right place at the right time, you are going nowhere. When it comes to emotions, you can’t always expect the same outcome even if you follow the same recipe.
It was an experimental type event, really intense spanking, no more wrestling. I didn’t know it was coming until right before it happened. I didn’t have time to anticipate or contemplate, or freak out a little inside… There was no time to gather feelings. I reacted to the paddle instead of working with it. At the point of “I can’t take this any more”, the ability to move and the focus it takes to keep relatively still keeps me in some sort of rational thought… my brain is still engaged. Somehow this also translates to my heart being engaged. When I literally could not move, my thoughts/feelings… they were gone. I had to move from the outside struggle to an inside struggle and I ended up shutting down. There was no way I was going to get to that point of emotional release. In a sense I won, he didn’t get to me. But I lost, because he didn’t get to me. Intense experiences can cause “splitting off or numbing out what we’re feeling because what we’re experiencing is frightening us. When our environment is chaotic or fear inducing, we may…have a hard time ‘staying in our bodies’….Because our cortex shuts down when we’re frightened, the content of the experience that would normally get through and be processed may get more or less flash frozen…with little reason or understanding attached to it.” (Dayton) It’s not that I didn’t know or understand what was going on, I was certainly aware, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t summon emotion. I think that being restrained was too much for me at this time.
By the end of the spanking I was exhausted, grateful for the experience, but also grateful it was over. I had very little emotional reaction, what I was actually thinking was “that was interesting”. It did feed my submissive feelings to a degree, but no large emotional release. Brad was sweet, I did get a body rub afterwards, he’s so good at that… We talked shortly about how it went, I hadn’t really processed all this that I am talking about now, but he wanted to know how I felt about it. Too much? Not enough? He feels a bit uncomfortable watching me go through what it is I go through – even when it’s my idea. It was a good learning experience. I was talking with a friend about it and her experience is the complete opposite. She said “ok, you need to be free to be overpowered, not restrained….and I need the restraint to stop the fight, so I can give up and get ‘there’ ” And she is right, I need to stay engaged in every way to get “there”.