I had forgotten…

Oh boy, it just keeps on coming… As per our usual flirty texting, Friday was no different.  As I alternated putting different kids on sleds and sending them down the hill, I would expose my poor hands to the 18 degree weather to let Brad in on the fantasy of the day.  It felt very awkward with my father in law standing near by but I didn’t let it stop me.  

I’m recognizing that I should be a little more careful with the thoughts I express on the phone.  Yes, it is easier to be more daring, easier to get carried away, and easier to offer yourself up for things you decide later you want no part of.  Ooops…  Thankfully my husband is gracious and lets me back out, but he also pushes me a little bit too.  He would have done what we had talked about, there was no pain directly involved, but I was mentally and emotionally not ready for it. 

(Gotcha wondering what it is, huh?  Sorry about that.) 

Despite this, I think that I am still ahead of him in the game of how much can I handle in the pain department vs how much he is willing to dole out.  Even though I tend to put up a struggle, I often end a session with an “is that it?” thought.  It’s my own fault, he almost always asks me (after maintainance or play spanking) if I have had enough.   Once in a while I’ll say no and we continue , but I abhor this question so I usually just say yes so we can move on.   Early on I would talk to him or write him after spankings telling him how I felt about them.  Too much, too little, would he try this or that.  As he grew more into his role I felt like I needed to stop directing and just let him be responsible for how things went and be happy with whatever he decided.  As much as it was for him to take charge, it was for me to practice contentment.  It’s worked well for a long time but as you know things are always changing.  I certainly don’t mind spanking/massage combos, but I’ve started to feel the need for a little more intensity.  Brad seems happy to oblige.  I mentioned in the last post a spanking that hurt.  There is pain, and then there is pain.  I had forgotten what pain felt like until last night.  And we still didn’t make it across the line into me completely giving it up.  I was almost past panic mode, I could feel tears welling up, my emotions were about to burst through.  I could feel my whole self about to give up, and then he stopped –  Which at the time was fine with me, but I was also a bit disappointed in myself.  Inside there is a battle going on all the time.  “Open up, no protect yourself”  Mentally I work so hard to hold myself in tight that it literally has to be beaten out of me.  It’s been done before, I had forgotten what it felt like, and somehow forgotten it was even possible.  I remember how great it felt, and now and I want it. 

It’s funny how our spanking needs correspond with what is going on our lives in general.  When we started TTWD I went into it full force and the enthusiasm in the bedroom and progress in our relationship reflected that.  The past month or so I’ve been content to just let what was be what it was.  I was at a stand still, kind of waiting for something to happen.  In the same way our spanking had mostly become very low key, easygoing.  I now have new goals, big things that I want to change, and my needs around spanking are growing again.  I’m not saying we all don’t need a rest now and then, but when your ready it’s a good feeling to be moving again.


5 thoughts on “I had forgotten…

  1. KayLynn says:

    Dear Ally,

    I was so struck by this post! I’m guessing many of us go thru the ‘is that it?’ I know I have and it hurts to be left lingering. I liked the contentment with his leadership morphing thought. But of course my heart is very struck by: Mentally I work so hard to hold myself in tight that it literally has to be beaten out of me. This was a bit painful to read – I felt emotionally exposed. Greg is sitting nearby & I will ask that he read it. I need to explore this further. Thank you so much. Hugs, KayLynn

  2. jslittlelady says:

    it MUST be something we all go through because I remember having those exact thoughts. “is that it” and J resorted to using that same “?” you need more? aaaand like you I hated that and we have moved on to letting him be in control. things are going pretty well .
    you really struck a chord and said some things I think most of us aren’t brave enough to. kaylynn got it right….emotionally exposed….thanks for sharing

  3. Sara says:

    For me it has been all about letting go, giving up control, and facing how scary that REALLY is. Spanking is so much in our heads! I think we move along in increments, like sticking a toe in the pool, then a foot and leg, then maybe pull back a bit, because what if it is TOO cold? What if we jump in and it’s freezing? You’re moving and the pace seems right for you and him, which is perfectly timed!

  4. Meow says:

    Wonderful post! I especially like the phrase “to practice contentment”. Letting go for me has so much to do with finding that soft, yielding part of my femininity. It is very hard to give up being “strong” emotionally. I really identify with so much of what you wrote! Meow

  5. Ally says:

    Kaylyn – Thanks, I’m glad you could relate

    jslittlelady – thanks, good to know that someone else hates that question too

    Sara – giving up control is it, so hard, but yes it is a journey and our timing seems to be good for now

    Meow – thanks, and I know what you mean about yielding to the soft part of myself, it also, relatedly, is about fear and anxiety and old stubborn patterns that have very little to do with Brad

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